I Have a Story to Tell
Written 7/8/13
I remember the first time I saw the look staring back at me. It came from the eyes of two different people. The first came from Chris Holiday from high school summer camp. We were lab partners and had been assigned to observe bacteria. We had to write a lab report on how bacteria grows over time. I suddenly had an epiphany about bacteria and as I began explaining it, there it was. The look. Staring back at me. Chris Holiday was staring at me. I wasn't flattered or anything. I knew that I had been pretty, and also that I would and could never like someone like him. He had beautiful light brown eyes and a dashing smile that made a lot of girls fall for him. But to me, he was a pretty boy who could never cater to my needs, or even understand them. The stare took me aback because no one I knew on a daily basis had stopped to stare at me like that before. For a split second, we weren't just two different students in a lab room. I was suddenly the 'pretty girl', and he, the distracted 'cool' guy who noticed for the first time. I began to feel sad once I allowed myself to look right back, deep into his eyes. There was shock in the look, in his eyes, as he saw beauty in a face he had gotten used to, in place he least expected to find it. I'm not sure if I should have been flattered, insulted, or just sad. After that split second, the look was gone and we continued talking about the bacteria in front of us.
The second time was before a cancelled soccer game. Daniel was a good, nice guy. We had flirted for a while but were never more than teammates and classmates. We were all scattered at the mall on a rainy day, waiting for our coach to inform us if the game had been cancelled due to the rain. On my way to the foodcourt, I ran into Daniel. I remember asking him about where Coach might be, as he always seemed to disappear before late afternoon games.
"The game might be cancelled I heard," he said, clearly bummed out, while still maintaining his candid politeness.
"Really?" I had said, very frustrated. After his hesitant 'Yeah,' there is came. The look. Although I can't put my finger on it, there was something different between Mike and Daniel's look. But all at once they were exactly the same. Different faces, but the same peculiar, surprised, thoughtful eyes. Daniel's eyes softened and he looked at my face for what seemed like a long time. His eyes scrutinized every corner of it, returning to my eyes ever so frequently. Then he smiled slowly. If time hadn't stopped while it happened, I wouldn't have even noticed it. He was obviously seeing something for the first time, as opposed to never believing it couldn't have possibly existed. The only definite difference from the two looks is Daniel's reluctance to look away. Whatever he had found, it was something he was not interested in looking away from. I remember feeling embarrassed, not knowing if I should say something or walk away. I felt like a piece of work in a gallery while he took his time to scrutinize me.
I think I did feel sad in those moments. Better yet, trapped. It hurt because the Chris Holiday only notices sassiness and *******'s fake soft voice. It hurt because Daniel Peterson saw something amazing in me for a brief moment inside a crowded mall but ended up dating *****, the new pla<x>yer on our team. What hurts most is that the look fades and never comes back.
I never truly wanted either guy, but D.A.M.N, it hurt so much to not be seen for what I think of myself. Through both their eyes, I could see what they were seeing: a beautiful chemical reaction lasting only seconds. But like all gifts of nature, the reaction faded until there was nothing much left to look at.
I remember the first time I saw the look staring back at me. It came from the eyes of two different people. The first came from Chris Holiday from high school summer camp. We were lab partners and had been assigned to observe bacteria. We had to write a lab report on how bacteria grows over time. I suddenly had an epiphany about bacteria and as I began explaining it, there it was. The look. Staring back at me. Chris Holiday was staring at me. I wasn't flattered or anything. I knew that I had been pretty, and also that I would and could never like someone like him. He had beautiful light brown eyes and a dashing smile that made a lot of girls fall for him. But to me, he was a pretty boy who could never cater to my needs, or even understand them. The stare took me aback because no one I knew on a daily basis had stopped to stare at me like that before. For a split second, we weren't just two different students in a lab room. I was suddenly the 'pretty girl', and he, the distracted 'cool' guy who noticed for the first time. I began to feel sad once I allowed myself to look right back, deep into his eyes. There was shock in the look, in his eyes, as he saw beauty in a face he had gotten used to, in place he least expected to find it. I'm not sure if I should have been flattered, insulted, or just sad. After that split second, the look was gone and we continued talking about the bacteria in front of us.
The second time was before a cancelled soccer game. Daniel was a good, nice guy. We had flirted for a while but were never more than teammates and classmates. We were all scattered at the mall on a rainy day, waiting for our coach to inform us if the game had been cancelled due to the rain. On my way to the foodcourt, I ran into Daniel. I remember asking him about where Coach might be, as he always seemed to disappear before late afternoon games.
"The game might be cancelled I heard," he said, clearly bummed out, while still maintaining his candid politeness.
"Really?" I had said, very frustrated. After his hesitant 'Yeah,' there is came. The look. Although I can't put my finger on it, there was something different between Mike and Daniel's look. But all at once they were exactly the same. Different faces, but the same peculiar, surprised, thoughtful eyes. Daniel's eyes softened and he looked at my face for what seemed like a long time. His eyes scrutinized every corner of it, returning to my eyes ever so frequently. Then he smiled slowly. If time hadn't stopped while it happened, I wouldn't have even noticed it. He was obviously seeing something for the first time, as opposed to never believing it couldn't have possibly existed. The only definite difference from the two looks is Daniel's reluctance to look away. Whatever he had found, it was something he was not interested in looking away from. I remember feeling embarrassed, not knowing if I should say something or walk away. I felt like a piece of work in a gallery while he took his time to scrutinize me.
I think I did feel sad in those moments. Better yet, trapped. It hurt because the Chris Holiday only notices sassiness and *******'s fake soft voice. It hurt because Daniel Peterson saw something amazing in me for a brief moment inside a crowded mall but ended up dating *****, the new pla<x>yer on our team. What hurts most is that the look fades and never comes back.
I never truly wanted either guy, but D.A.M.N, it hurt so much to not be seen for what I think of myself. Through both their eyes, I could see what they were seeing: a beautiful chemical reaction lasting only seconds. But like all gifts of nature, the reaction faded until there was nothing much left to look at.
26-30, M
