I Have a Story to Tell
Do you remember what you did, the very first time you stood up and walked? Of course you don’t. Nobody does. So how are we able to walk?
It’s instinct. Because deep down inside, even if we were not aware of it, we all knew from the start that the power to walk was within our capacity.
He was a messed up kid. People hurt him. Not that he had it the worst or anything, but something in him broken. He became silent and distant. Sometimes others would ask him questions like “what is wrong with you” or “why must you always be the odd one out”. And he didn’t know the answer. He gave it his all. He tried talking to them again, but every time they stopped listening, a part of him died inside. Yet still, he kept talking. Some would tell him to shut up, while others pretended to listen, only to happily talk to someone else, forgetting they ever even spoke to him. Little but little his soul died away. And, without even noticing it, the boy got angry. A fiery hurricane of emotion raged within him, with unspeakable loneliness as its fuel. And it burned, and it burned so bright. And every eye that looked away fueled the flame, to the point where a single lonely dream-because that is what his nightmares had become- was enough to set it free.
He was a child at heart. Beaten, bruised and abused, he still held in to his ignorance. Trying to forgive. To forget. He was not ready. And the demon of his rage nearly consumed him. He became a binary existence. The rage, and the fear of that rage were all he was reduced to. But the boy, he said to himself, “I will not become those who hurt me. I will hurt no one:”
And so it was.
But one does not extinguish a flame so bright and vile. It was burning what was left of his soul away. So the boy, desperate, foolish and naive, pushed back the anger. He beat it into submission and forced it so far down into the chasm if his scarred soul that it almost ceased to exist altogether. But alas, he was foolish and naïve, because if a piece of paper is torn, both sides are ruined. More than just his rage disappeared. Along with it, vanished his love, his kindness and his joy. He became a monolith, colder than death. Dying would come so easy to him. Life meant nothing anymore. But so did death. Void of emotion, he just was. Or so he thought.
For one though rose. The most defining of all traits of humans. That which parts us from angels and demons and beasts alike. Guilt!
And in his guilt, that little rat that gnawed at the monolith’s foundations, he started pretending. First he hid his gaze, and learned to curve his lips. People saw in it a smile and thought no more of it. And the boy? Oh, he got good at it. And a part of him remembered God. So he started praying, truthfully, probably for the first time in his life. “God, please let me feel again. Please, oh Lord, make me whole again.” Imagine his surprise when it came true. He praised the Lord’s name like a true Christian. It would not be the first, nor the last prayer to be heard and answered.
But alas, again, the boy was naive. For one does not simply walk away out of a hole so deep. Doubts plagued him. “Do I truly feel, or simply pretend?” There was none who could answer him. He searched the web of knowledge that sprawled across the world. “I’ll find others like me”, he said. But all he found were monsters. Those that felt nothing and reveled in their hollowness.
“To be a monster? That I won’t allow” So he looked once more, and by accident, found a place where broken people spoke. None were like him. Oh no. But he knew pain. And by seeing it in others, he knew kindness once more.
He met people there. Nameless. Faceless. But real people. He felt their pain and he reached out to them. Sometimes he failed, and those failures haunt him still. But on other times, he saved them when they were only a step away from giving in. Still full of doubts in his own humanity, the boy learned of the nightmares of others. And though bringing light in the broken worlds of theirs, he learned to be kind to himself as well, if only just. They would peak his interest, and he would speak his mind. And they would ask for his friendship. That’s how he made friends.
All but one. One and one alone was different.
He saw her words, and caught a glimpse of her pain. But more than that…he saw something behind the words. He didn’t wait to see if she would come to him. He came to her instead. The only one that ever made him do so. He didn’t know why at the time. It was only looking back, years later. And then he realized, that he knew from the very start, just like a child knows it can walk, that this girl would be the one to shake the very foundations of his world. Long before he could hear her voice or see her face, he knew inside, by instinct alone, that this girl would one day save him.
Of course, he didn’t realize it at the time. He only knew, and he had no doubt, that he would regret it for the rest of his life, if he let her slip out of his life.
Their friendship was shaky at start, and often she would vanish without a trace. But every time she showed up, she would put up a new story and he would write his thoughts under it. She would do the same for his. Somewhere along the line, they began writing each other directly. The young man has long since forgot who began this, but he loved every minute of it. Slowly, she told him a bit of her secrets, and he returned in kind. Oh, how by then he looked forward to her messages. A year passed, and another came and nearly went by. Thoughts of liking soon gave way to the thoughts of love. But she was happy with another man, he thought, so he said nothing.
The young man’s life soon fell into deadly turmoil, with but one exit in sight. And all he saw was death.
In his heart, he had long since been calling her his angel, but on that day she proved it true. He was done. Mere hours away from death. And she came. Out of nowhere, she came. Like she always had. He had a note ready. Addressed to each and every friends he had made online. He was just waiting for the dark outside to match the darkness he bore inside.
She asked a benign question, really.
“How are you?”
“I’m okay”, he wrote but never sent. In the end, he simply could not lie to her!
So instead, he told her everything. And she pleaded with him not to go. She promised him that all would be well, that there was still hope. IN her light, his life was saved. His heart quickly said “I…” but fell silent. He couldn’t finish it. Because she was far away, happy with someone else. In his naivety, the young man did not notice her life falling apart as well.
When the day came that he almost lost her forever, he was none the wiser. To him, she has merely vanished for a short while, and he waited for her, eagerly. Anxiously. Just to see her words again. To speak to his angel again.
When she came back, and she said she nearly died, the man cried, but hid it well. She said she was better, that everyone in her family was helping her. He didn’t questions her. He was too happy to have her back to doubt it.
However, he made a promise. To his own torn and ruined soul he swore, that should she ever be pushed to the brink again, that his heart would speak nothing but the truth. That he would do all in his power, risk everything, all to fill her life with love. All, just to see her smile again.
That day would come, half a year later. Their lives, now intertwines, would never be the same again. They would speak of love. Of marriage even. And his heart swelled. “I was not pretending!” he knew right away. He loved her. Loved her so bad that all else seemed to cease to matter. AS long as he could make her smile. To make her feel happy and loved. He would do anything. He would leave it all behind, just to be by her side.
He met his soulmate, the one he wished to grow old with. Someone he would happily spend his days making happy. He was ready to face her demons and spend the rest of his years keeping them at bay and at a distance.
But it was not to be. He was too far away, and she was too scared. In her, he found his soulmate. The One. But he would soon learn, maybe in the hardest way possible…she loved another. Her demon laughed, and his joined while he cried like never before. He heard them laugh and said: “I will be your friend forevermore.” In his heart he knew, that he would never love so fully again. Never let another touch his heart. It was hers til the end of times.
The day finally came, just like he dreaded would once come, that she asked him to stop telling her how much he loved her. And he said okay. He would type those three words over and over again, deleting them just as quickly, least he avoided the temptation of sending them to her.
“I love you.” Delete.
“I love you.” Delete.
“I love you.” Delete.
From time to time, he could not bear it anymore. And he would include them in his words and apologize immediately after.
Death still lingers above her head. And her demons feel stronger then ever. She bears so much pain, and she struggles alone. Except she isn’t.
Because he is with her, till his last breath.
It’s instinct. Because deep down inside, even if we were not aware of it, we all knew from the start that the power to walk was within our capacity.
He was a messed up kid. People hurt him. Not that he had it the worst or anything, but something in him broken. He became silent and distant. Sometimes others would ask him questions like “what is wrong with you” or “why must you always be the odd one out”. And he didn’t know the answer. He gave it his all. He tried talking to them again, but every time they stopped listening, a part of him died inside. Yet still, he kept talking. Some would tell him to shut up, while others pretended to listen, only to happily talk to someone else, forgetting they ever even spoke to him. Little but little his soul died away. And, without even noticing it, the boy got angry. A fiery hurricane of emotion raged within him, with unspeakable loneliness as its fuel. And it burned, and it burned so bright. And every eye that looked away fueled the flame, to the point where a single lonely dream-because that is what his nightmares had become- was enough to set it free.
He was a child at heart. Beaten, bruised and abused, he still held in to his ignorance. Trying to forgive. To forget. He was not ready. And the demon of his rage nearly consumed him. He became a binary existence. The rage, and the fear of that rage were all he was reduced to. But the boy, he said to himself, “I will not become those who hurt me. I will hurt no one:”
And so it was.
But one does not extinguish a flame so bright and vile. It was burning what was left of his soul away. So the boy, desperate, foolish and naive, pushed back the anger. He beat it into submission and forced it so far down into the chasm if his scarred soul that it almost ceased to exist altogether. But alas, he was foolish and naïve, because if a piece of paper is torn, both sides are ruined. More than just his rage disappeared. Along with it, vanished his love, his kindness and his joy. He became a monolith, colder than death. Dying would come so easy to him. Life meant nothing anymore. But so did death. Void of emotion, he just was. Or so he thought.
For one though rose. The most defining of all traits of humans. That which parts us from angels and demons and beasts alike. Guilt!
And in his guilt, that little rat that gnawed at the monolith’s foundations, he started pretending. First he hid his gaze, and learned to curve his lips. People saw in it a smile and thought no more of it. And the boy? Oh, he got good at it. And a part of him remembered God. So he started praying, truthfully, probably for the first time in his life. “God, please let me feel again. Please, oh Lord, make me whole again.” Imagine his surprise when it came true. He praised the Lord’s name like a true Christian. It would not be the first, nor the last prayer to be heard and answered.
But alas, again, the boy was naive. For one does not simply walk away out of a hole so deep. Doubts plagued him. “Do I truly feel, or simply pretend?” There was none who could answer him. He searched the web of knowledge that sprawled across the world. “I’ll find others like me”, he said. But all he found were monsters. Those that felt nothing and reveled in their hollowness.
“To be a monster? That I won’t allow” So he looked once more, and by accident, found a place where broken people spoke. None were like him. Oh no. But he knew pain. And by seeing it in others, he knew kindness once more.
He met people there. Nameless. Faceless. But real people. He felt their pain and he reached out to them. Sometimes he failed, and those failures haunt him still. But on other times, he saved them when they were only a step away from giving in. Still full of doubts in his own humanity, the boy learned of the nightmares of others. And though bringing light in the broken worlds of theirs, he learned to be kind to himself as well, if only just. They would peak his interest, and he would speak his mind. And they would ask for his friendship. That’s how he made friends.
All but one. One and one alone was different.
He saw her words, and caught a glimpse of her pain. But more than that…he saw something behind the words. He didn’t wait to see if she would come to him. He came to her instead. The only one that ever made him do so. He didn’t know why at the time. It was only looking back, years later. And then he realized, that he knew from the very start, just like a child knows it can walk, that this girl would be the one to shake the very foundations of his world. Long before he could hear her voice or see her face, he knew inside, by instinct alone, that this girl would one day save him.
Of course, he didn’t realize it at the time. He only knew, and he had no doubt, that he would regret it for the rest of his life, if he let her slip out of his life.
Their friendship was shaky at start, and often she would vanish without a trace. But every time she showed up, she would put up a new story and he would write his thoughts under it. She would do the same for his. Somewhere along the line, they began writing each other directly. The young man has long since forgot who began this, but he loved every minute of it. Slowly, she told him a bit of her secrets, and he returned in kind. Oh, how by then he looked forward to her messages. A year passed, and another came and nearly went by. Thoughts of liking soon gave way to the thoughts of love. But she was happy with another man, he thought, so he said nothing.
The young man’s life soon fell into deadly turmoil, with but one exit in sight. And all he saw was death.
In his heart, he had long since been calling her his angel, but on that day she proved it true. He was done. Mere hours away from death. And she came. Out of nowhere, she came. Like she always had. He had a note ready. Addressed to each and every friends he had made online. He was just waiting for the dark outside to match the darkness he bore inside.
She asked a benign question, really.
“How are you?”
“I’m okay”, he wrote but never sent. In the end, he simply could not lie to her!
So instead, he told her everything. And she pleaded with him not to go. She promised him that all would be well, that there was still hope. IN her light, his life was saved. His heart quickly said “I…” but fell silent. He couldn’t finish it. Because she was far away, happy with someone else. In his naivety, the young man did not notice her life falling apart as well.
When the day came that he almost lost her forever, he was none the wiser. To him, she has merely vanished for a short while, and he waited for her, eagerly. Anxiously. Just to see her words again. To speak to his angel again.
When she came back, and she said she nearly died, the man cried, but hid it well. She said she was better, that everyone in her family was helping her. He didn’t questions her. He was too happy to have her back to doubt it.
However, he made a promise. To his own torn and ruined soul he swore, that should she ever be pushed to the brink again, that his heart would speak nothing but the truth. That he would do all in his power, risk everything, all to fill her life with love. All, just to see her smile again.
That day would come, half a year later. Their lives, now intertwines, would never be the same again. They would speak of love. Of marriage even. And his heart swelled. “I was not pretending!” he knew right away. He loved her. Loved her so bad that all else seemed to cease to matter. AS long as he could make her smile. To make her feel happy and loved. He would do anything. He would leave it all behind, just to be by her side.
He met his soulmate, the one he wished to grow old with. Someone he would happily spend his days making happy. He was ready to face her demons and spend the rest of his years keeping them at bay and at a distance.
But it was not to be. He was too far away, and she was too scared. In her, he found his soulmate. The One. But he would soon learn, maybe in the hardest way possible…she loved another. Her demon laughed, and his joined while he cried like never before. He heard them laugh and said: “I will be your friend forevermore.” In his heart he knew, that he would never love so fully again. Never let another touch his heart. It was hers til the end of times.
The day finally came, just like he dreaded would once come, that she asked him to stop telling her how much he loved her. And he said okay. He would type those three words over and over again, deleting them just as quickly, least he avoided the temptation of sending them to her.
“I love you.” Delete.
“I love you.” Delete.
“I love you.” Delete.
From time to time, he could not bear it anymore. And he would include them in his words and apologize immediately after.
Death still lingers above her head. And her demons feel stronger then ever. She bears so much pain, and she struggles alone. Except she isn’t.
Because he is with her, till his last breath.
31-35, M
