I Dont Know What to Do Now and I Dont Know What Ill Do Later

Usually, when I'm feeling the attacks of my condition, I either cause myself physical pain to deal with the effects or.. I imagine having a boyfriend, a husband, a brother, just someone I can trust who takes care of me. They usually have names; Mark, Ethan, Marcus, Paul, Zachary, Louis.. No matter what I can always come up with a name, a face, even a shadow. Tonight, I don't really even know what to imagine. For some reason, there is only one think I can even think to say out loud or in my imagination. Help me.