I Love My Dad
This is kinda hard to write.
Anyone whose talked to me for a little bit on here will know that my father is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. He was a problem drinker in his 30s, and after he got stuck working under an abusive narcissist at work (and he worked endlessly) his drinking escalated into mickey-of-cheap-vodka-a-day alcoholism. He was never home due to work or tennis as a small child, and then just kind of distant as a teen. I've lived back in my home town for the past nine years, and during that time I've seen him rapidly cycle through drunk 24/7 to too sick to go to the liquor store (and thus sober for a month) and then back to drunk.
The cycle crashed with his health.
He's in his late 60s now, and he's dying - like he's hit his life expectancy. He has congestive heart failure and was just diagnosed with COPD and will be on oxygen the rest of his life. In the past three years his health has just collapsed. He can barely walk, his feet are swollen look footballs, and now he can't breathe too well.
He's notoriously brilliant, and those who remember him in his 30s and 40s talk about the smartest person they've ever met. And unfortunately, due to his drinking and increasingly shrinking world, I never got to meet that same guy. He's still great company, brilliant, funny, and good to talk to - but my mom has said to me many times that he lost that spark he used to have. He's bitter about his career, bitter about his depression and drinking, and just watches TV 24/7.
The only saving grace is that he's sober all the time now. So if I visit him, I know he's going to be lucid and good company. But visiting is hard. My mother is the strongest person I've ever met and she's somehow coped with his drinking for the past couple of decades, but I have no idea how this is affecting her. There's just a sense of doom and inevitability to it all. All we can do is make the best of what we have - and for me to remind myself to visit him more while he's still around.
Anyone whose talked to me for a little bit on here will know that my father is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. He was a problem drinker in his 30s, and after he got stuck working under an abusive narcissist at work (and he worked endlessly) his drinking escalated into mickey-of-cheap-vodka-a-day alcoholism. He was never home due to work or tennis as a small child, and then just kind of distant as a teen. I've lived back in my home town for the past nine years, and during that time I've seen him rapidly cycle through drunk 24/7 to too sick to go to the liquor store (and thus sober for a month) and then back to drunk.
The cycle crashed with his health.
He's in his late 60s now, and he's dying - like he's hit his life expectancy. He has congestive heart failure and was just diagnosed with COPD and will be on oxygen the rest of his life. In the past three years his health has just collapsed. He can barely walk, his feet are swollen look footballs, and now he can't breathe too well.
He's notoriously brilliant, and those who remember him in his 30s and 40s talk about the smartest person they've ever met. And unfortunately, due to his drinking and increasingly shrinking world, I never got to meet that same guy. He's still great company, brilliant, funny, and good to talk to - but my mom has said to me many times that he lost that spark he used to have. He's bitter about his career, bitter about his depression and drinking, and just watches TV 24/7.
The only saving grace is that he's sober all the time now. So if I visit him, I know he's going to be lucid and good company. But visiting is hard. My mother is the strongest person I've ever met and she's somehow coped with his drinking for the past couple of decades, but I have no idea how this is affecting her. There's just a sense of doom and inevitability to it all. All we can do is make the best of what we have - and for me to remind myself to visit him more while he's still around.
41-45, M
