I Battle Depression
I don't know if writing this will benefit me in any way but in case it does I am going to. Most of this probably won't even make sense but whatever. I don't know what changed (I never do) or why but I am no longer depressed (for now). After an 8 month BRUTAL depressive episode I finally feel better. I got used to being depressed that this happiness feels like such a foreign feeling. I can't even explain it but I've been in this cycle since I was 11 years old.
My first depressive episode was so hard on me and I struggled to figure out why I was feeling that way. It was like sadness increased tenfold and magnified. Out of nowhere I would get so depressed for months at a time for seemingly no reason at all then one day its like the depression decides to relaease me from its grasp and I feel absolutely amazing. High energy, motivation, hopeful of the future it's crazy and it makes no sense.
Depressed me has no motivation and a complete disregard for my life. I also was never able to focus, had a brain fog, couldn't remember anything or learn or retain information. And now I finally feel like my brain is repairing itself from all the havoc depression caused. I feel like I am regaining my personality back.
I've noticed this pattern and accepted that my depression will never be "cured" and that I should make the most out of the periods of time when im not depressed. It seems like my depression is always there lying dormant waiting to resurface again. It feels so good to finally feel happy again. to have motivation, energy, and a desire to live again.
Is this how non depressed people feel like everyday? I honestly feel euphoric. I feel like I am on drugs without even taking drugs. What does being on drugs even feel like? If I had to guess this is it. I have only been sleeping 4-6 hours a night and I feel so much more energized and refreshed than I ever did sleeping for 8+ hours when I was depressed. it's crazy. Anyways if you made it this far thanks for reading my incohesive thought vomit and I'm going to end this here because if I dont I would probbaly keep writing about how good I feel for hours and I have things to do.
Ps. Before anyone asks, no I'm definitely not manic. Just happy to be happy again.
My first depressive episode was so hard on me and I struggled to figure out why I was feeling that way. It was like sadness increased tenfold and magnified. Out of nowhere I would get so depressed for months at a time for seemingly no reason at all then one day its like the depression decides to relaease me from its grasp and I feel absolutely amazing. High energy, motivation, hopeful of the future it's crazy and it makes no sense.
Depressed me has no motivation and a complete disregard for my life. I also was never able to focus, had a brain fog, couldn't remember anything or learn or retain information. And now I finally feel like my brain is repairing itself from all the havoc depression caused. I feel like I am regaining my personality back.
I've noticed this pattern and accepted that my depression will never be "cured" and that I should make the most out of the periods of time when im not depressed. It seems like my depression is always there lying dormant waiting to resurface again. It feels so good to finally feel happy again. to have motivation, energy, and a desire to live again.
Is this how non depressed people feel like everyday? I honestly feel euphoric. I feel like I am on drugs without even taking drugs. What does being on drugs even feel like? If I had to guess this is it. I have only been sleeping 4-6 hours a night and I feel so much more energized and refreshed than I ever did sleeping for 8+ hours when I was depressed. it's crazy. Anyways if you made it this far thanks for reading my incohesive thought vomit and I'm going to end this here because if I dont I would probbaly keep writing about how good I feel for hours and I have things to do.
Ps. Before anyone asks, no I'm definitely not manic. Just happy to be happy again.
