This post may contain Mildly Adult content.
Mildly Adult
Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

I Am The Other Woman

I am NOT the other woman. I suppose I am the NOW but I dislike that description because it suggests I am not something; not something with a perceived greater value . I am the REAL woman.

This group or concept of the OW (other woman) and NOW (not other woman) is one of a few things that once took me to experience project through various Google searches and now brings me here. It’s why I hope setting up a profile will help me discover more about me, others like me and how we live with our partners cheating.

I’ve read an abundance of stories in the NOW group and in the OW group between here, the old experience project and some online forums. It seems we have an opposition to each other, or at least a contest. I don’t make light of this and I understand for so many woman it speaks directly to their sense of worth and well-being individually, in the family, and perhaps subconsciously to their need to care for and protect their children. It also speaks to our confidence in ourselves and our ability to be someone who can attract our husbands. I must confess that I do not understand fully the desires of another woman to poach or of the husband to wander, and yet I do understand it is human nature to look and desire. I also understand that this behaviour is not uncommon, has existed for as long as the institution of marriage, and will continue to do so for at least as long as its competitor does.

I am a mother of three girls with a man whom I deeply love. I am the real woman in this triangle, or square, or polygon as it may be, and my husband does wander.

I can hear the champions of NOW calling to me as I write this. “Leave the scumbag.” Unfortunately, or fortunately perhaps, I do not see him as a scumbag. I have heard other women in the past state that they share, and so now I hear the champions of the OW calling also. I do not share of my own decision; however, on some level I have accepted that I share him. I will confess that in the past my husband and I have shared other women together, but that is not the nature of the situation today. Today he wanders alone, I know he does it, and I do not apparently oppose it in force.

Please hear me out. I understand what a polarizing issue this can be. The options to us often seem to be the bad and the worse. I can live in a false marriage, I can be miserable, or I can break it off and divorce causing still endless damage to me and my children until one day maybe everyone tires of carrying torches for hatred and anger and turns it instead to quiet submerged bitter grudges which eat at our psyche for the rest of our lives. I also have been interested to read how many women have been able to set aside the infidelity and rebuild a new relationship with their husbands.

Now some about my husband, whom I suspect many of you, will learn to hate here.

He is thirteen years older than I. He travels the globe weekly for business to many locations but most often to his European office in Lisbon. We have three girls at ages twelve, nine and seven. I believe he may have fathered a son in Portugal. He has a persistent and varied sexual appetite. I know he has made use of courtesans and prostitutes while away before. I believe he has been involved in an ongoing affair with a woman in Portugal who at one time worked in his offices there. Is he evil now?

He is the perfect father to our children when he is home and sends them messages often while he is away. He also video calls us all regularly. He encourages everything the girls do and actively supports them in their activities. He is our eldest daughter’s biggest fan while she is on the football field, our middle daughter’s constant support while horseback riding, and our youngest’ s proud recipient of a constant stream of artwork.

He is my husband. He is my lover. He is my friend and confidant and when he is with me nothing he does could ever conjure the image of another in my mind. When he is with me I am his everything and I genuinely feel as though I am his only. I know that I am not.

I recently watched a video of a presentation by a woman about affairs and infidelity and monogamy. I have never been completely convinced of the fact that two people can be the only sexual interests of each other for eternity. I was a bit of a wild child in my late teens and I feel my own stirrings again now. To me sexual fidelity was never the grounds for a strong and happy marriage and for the most part we do have a strong and happy marriage; however, I do think sexual activity outside of marriage must not undermine the principal relationship. What then is monogamy? My husband claims to be monogamous in the sense that he loves only me and that our marriage is the most important commitment in his life. All others, and while I neither know a count nor care to, he claims are sexual dalliances to satisfy an urge when he cannot satisfy it with me. Yes this sounds very tidy.

What of her? What of Mrs. Portugal and the spectre of a son. Has he created a new family? He will tell me she is just like any other except me, and that yes she has been more frequent but this stems from the fact that he encountered her more often in his workplace. He will tell me I have no fear of threat from her and that he would never seek to replace what we have. She is my OW nemeses and the source of my agitation. I had her removed from his office.

We are not a marriage without problems or concerns, but we are not a marriage devastated by an affair either. My husband is my husband in every sense of that word except that he takes outside lovers. In ancient times or perhaps more recently even this would be seen as the order of the day and passed over for no concern. There will be many who will deride me, or condemn me, or see me as part of the problem because in their minds this situation is untenable. It is not untenable for me. Does this make me wrong or weak? Would I be stronger if I divorced and the lives of our children were sent into disarray? Do not believe for a moment that I would never divorce if I felt I must, or that I will not stand up for the needs and well-being of my daughters. I truly and deeply love my husband. I know him for who he is and I can accept where we are at today. One day he may have to justify his actions to our daughters and they will make their own minds of it, but if this happens it will be of his own doing.

I am watchful. I am careful. I am also happy and in love. I am also not the other woman. I am the real woman.
Primnproper · 56-60, F
Wow...he may be a champion dad and husband of sorts but to me he's making a mockery of his vows, I'm not a bible basher but vows are a commitment of mutual respect, where is his respect for you and the mother of his children and the lie he is presenting to his children, that is not healthy not even in the name of marital appearances..and it takes two to behave badly, one to do it and one to allow it..I hope things workout for you but that is definitely not a marriage I would want..without respect there's foundations..I wish you well..
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
I do trust my husband. I trust he will act in his true nature and I cannot claim I have never known about his sexual appetites. I think your premise is that a stable and loving relationship can only support a sexual relationship between two partners. So let's get that out of the way and say he could have intercourse with another woman in front of me and so long as we are both alright with that it won't change a thing. My issue is with a relationship that becomes prolonged, forms more concrete attachments and produces a competing family to mine. My husband claims this is not the case and in fairness to him I cannot prove he is not telling me the truth. He admits to sleeping with her and even to having done so regularly. I feel he will not walk away because there is no distance whatsoever between us. We are still as in love today as we were years ago. I feel no sense at all of abandonment from him and he shows no sign of ever wanting to be anywhere else when he is with me. Finally there are our children and the life we have built which I also can not believe he would ever throw away.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
In fact that is not a marriage at all. A marriage is a contract and its form can be anything the husband and wife agree to together. What you are calling marriage is a single point of view based mostly in religious belief. There are obviously a multitude of cultures in the world that allow and encourage polygamy or multiple wives. I am not saying here that I wish to have that, simply that marriage is not as narrow a definition as you claim.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
DNJ4EVER, my thinking offends you now. You are displeased that I might be able to emotionally manage the idea of my husband in the arms of another woman, but then you offer me the same with a reference to an open marriage. The truth is you don't know what I am feeling or what he is filling. You don't know that we talk about all this, that we don't use it as a weapon against each other, and that we have a relationship which you don't grasp. Maybe I don't feel a need to fix anything and my discussion in my original post is more to clear my head. Perhaps I wish to be satisfied that my husband does love me, does put me first, and hasn't actually been hiding anything behind my back. You think that means I am weak. All those who find my open mindedness about relationships share your offence. They, possibly like you, want to own their partners, as opposed to experiencing their partner and all that he or she is. It's a difficult concept for many to even conceive of, let alone embrace.
DNJ4EVER · 61-69, F
Sorry I am in no way saying your weak at all . You dont offend me at all .I am just stating a fact .If you and your husband have an agreement that you have sexually encounters with others out side the marriage ,that is a "open marriage " .Why does that offend you ? I say Hey "whateva floats your boat " .GO for it ! You only live once .I dont and never will own anyone ,Your saying that OW are not real that you are cause you turn the other way when your husband is in the bed with anther woman . Ow aren't weak either ,we are happy and in love also .
I don't know what you two talk about nor do i know you .All i know is what you posted . I am commenting on it .This is my opinion ,if it's not to your liking ,maybe you shouldn't post here . I don't know ,Just an opinion to what you posted .

Really honestly , Who can take that image and deal with it day in and day out ?
SW-User
Yeah. Maybe, but that's also rationalizing. It's convenient to say it's from one point of view, as if other points of view are equally valid or have the same historicity. God established marriage and attempts to redefine it in the name of tolerance are just forms of rationalizations. I'm not against what you decide for your own life - you are clearly a deep thinker and a deep person. But the marriage contract is pretty consistent throughout all cultures because of how it was established (even those that don't claim a God), and it is as narrow (but only as narrow) as that history and establishment supports.
SW-User
Well, we are just going to disagree. I think that viewpoint causes tremendous damage to societies, and we are paying the price for it. That said, I respect your point of view.
I think I remember you from EP. And I think what I said to you then is similar to what I'll say now; if you're happy, your children are happy, and your husband is happy then who's to judge? Out of curiosity, and I apologize if somewhere in this thread you've answered this already... do you think you'd ever take on a lover? And if you did, do you think your husband would be as accepting of this as you? You mentioned the two of you brought other women into your bed, I've done this. And men, too. For me, that was a turning point for what I believed about monogamy. Are some people truly only sexual with one person til death do they part, sure. But it's just not always the case. And I don't necessarily believe one negates the other. Based on your post, I don't think your husband loves you less or is less committed to your marriage when he's away on business. I will say this though, if you ever find that this doesn't work for you, I hope you would be able to tell him and that he'd honor your feelings. Thanks for sharing your story. I miss EP. It doesn't seem that many people write here. Just ask a bunch of stupid questions.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
Well God did not establish marriage. Humanity did that in a variety of forms to suit a family unit for the purpose of raising children. That is why marriage contracts used to have expiry terms. Religion and therefore God stole marriage from the people as a secular act and presumed to assert that only God can sanctify the act. This is something that much of the world today sees through and consequently we now have a rise in secular marriages again.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
It has crossed my mind.
nickir · 61-69, M
Thank you for having the brains to figure out what a proper marriage is. The great majority of cultures in the world are polygynous. And a study I heaerd about found that about 1/3 of men were polygynous, 1/3 monogamous and 1/3 could go either way. We come from the freest cultures on the planet & people want you to conform to something that would cause your kids untold grief. All because his willie isn't ONLY yours. does that make sense? And some of the same people that talk about how you've got to leave him are the same ones that say sex shouldn't be the most important thing in a relationship. Kudos to you.
SW-User
You are a very deep person, and have thought this through. However, it's hard not to notice that you are rationalizing. A marriage by definition is an exclusive relationship.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
Alright then, perhaps I've misread you. Once again, with real honesty, I can live with knowing.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
Yes thank you for that. She is no longer his work wife at our company. I took care of that.
Primnproper · 56-60, F
Hayleigh, don't get me wrong, I admire you for doing it but I couldn't..
DNJ4EVER · 61-69, F
We all have to do what's best for US .OUR happiness comes first ,If you feel that you can live with the fact that he has another woman ?Great for you ,YOu must live a life that your comfortable with .If you divorce you will not have that life any more .. GOod for you that you are hanging on .. Great story Good Luck
DNJ4EVER · 61-69, F
Nit a matter of throwing it away ,I am sure that he will have visitation . How do you sleep at night knowing that he was with another woman ? If it is long term ,he most probably fel in love with her . Is that fair ,For all in this picture ? Only fair to him cause he is fullfilling a void your not filling .. Ask him what it is ,Maybe you can fix this ...
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
All of the corporate assets are owned by my family.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
My family owns the Corporation.
TexasGrandpa · 61-69, M
Each marriage, each couple is different. You seem to be settled to what your is. It may not be perfect, but it seems to work for you and your children. Would that my eyes might have been as open and I would not have chosen divorce, then 10 years later remarriage.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
It's now exactly like that, but yes, if we are open and honest with each other, always put each other and our family first, then I am not opposed to him having an occasional lover.
bhatjc · 46-50, M
Have you ever though of having a occasional lover or no. Their is a lot of people who have a life style like that. The family comes first. Then what ever happens besides is ok
bhatjc · 46-50, M
maybe wait till the kids are older miss hayleigh. Then you can have your fun as well. Talk to your husband about it. what is good for the goose is good for the gander
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
I'm not truly sure it is, however, I'm not prepared to destroy everything I love and hold dear in my life on a principal.
DNJ4EVER · 61-69, F
Trust should be the most important thing in a marriage .How do you trust he just wont walk away . Does he know you know that he is a cheater ?
DNJ4EVER · 61-69, F
As long as he tells you ? It's called a 'open marriage' ,Not NOW .And plenty of people have that .
bhatjc · 46-50, M
Just as long as your hubby keep things on the down low. You are ok with it. He can have his fun.
DNJ4EVER · 61-69, F
Is it his family that owns the business .or your family ?
DownTheStreet · 56-60, M
Very level, well reasoned, mature and intelligent perspective.
mathsman · 70-79, M
Wonderful
What do you not offer him that he needs dalliances?
melbeacher · 61-69, M
Kudos to you. I think you have a great attitude.
bhatjc · 46-50, M
Sounds like the lady of portugal is his "work wife"
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
Thank you for your insight Primnproper.
bhatjc · 46-50, M
Oh and how did you take care of that.
hayleighscomet · 41-45, F
Fair enough.

 
Post Comment