I Have a Mental Illness

I turned 20 on Monday. I hadn't had a happy birthday in a very long time. I was in the middle of nowhere with no family and spent most of it alone.

For over ten years I struggled with mental illness that progressively got worse the older I got. The more I understood the world around me the more the little voices became bigger.
Monday was no different. Living in a small town with no mental health team is hard. I get help where I can and I've been diagnosed with issues that I don't feel comfortable divulging that I'm working on.

I guess after my mother passed and I got sexually abused I didn't know how to actually cope. Watching somebody you love die in front of you and then getting blamed at such a young age messes you up.

Monday, instead of being happy like I wanted to be all I thought about was how mum should've been here, and if I really deserved to be here instead of her. I thought about the doctors and how they said my medical problems would kill me in a few years. Stuff I shouldn't think about but couldn't stop.

I'm working towards bettering myself but some days are harder than others, especially when the people I want to comfort me are no longer here.