I Want to Disappear

I feel trapped in my job but also trapped by my fear of change while at the same time want to step into a whole new world in a whole new me.

I feel I need to take my self improvement slow but feel like I'm being left behind and running out of time, which then pressures me to move faster but the speed is too much for me and I fear I'll crash, break apart my progress and will have to start at square one again, so i slow down at my own pace again, back to feeling left behind.I

I have only one thing that I feel certain of wanting right now but can only earn with patience, understanding, and resilience against my insecurities which tell me I don't deserve or can't have that which I want. Which brings doubt about whether or not the thing I want is what I should want but the real question that I don't want to admit is, 'am I willing to wait for what I want?' I'm stuck between being passionate about proving how much I want it and struggling with not having it already and feeling ashamed of being so impatient about something so worth the wait.