I Am Lost, I Am Lost In My Mind, My Emotions, My Feelings

So here the tea. I've only had three crushes since i was 12. One who we realized we were better of friends. one who wanted to basically be a pimp. and the last one who is actually the first guy i was ever in love with who i hadn't seen in six years until last August. Why did he suddenly pop back into my life? I have no effing clue. Somehow we ended up at the same college. The night before i moved into my dorm i dreamed that i was sitting with him on the porch of my dorm telling him if he wanted to break up with me it was okay. That all i wanted was for him to be happy. I thought the dream was the universes way of giving me permission to let him go and move on with my life. after all, i had buried a tin with all my mementos of him almost a year ago. For future reference, I'm a Christian but i still lowkey believe in auras, astrology, fate and all that stuff. So here i was the next day in a good mood because i just had this amazing revelation and I'm going to finally forget about the guy I've been irrationally in love with for six years. Then my mom comes back from the administration office while I'm moving in and she goes "Crystal you won't believe who i just saw." I'm sitting here thinking ok maybe it's my ex because at one point we both planned to come to this school. so i asked her who and she goes "Its Joel. I just saw him here with his parents!!!" And then i died. Jk, i wish though. Instead, i was so shook i drooped what i was carrying turned to my mom and said. " Stop lying to me. I don't feel like joking about that and you know it it's not funny." harsh? yeah, i know. unfortunately, she wasn't pranking me this time. I went to the fird=st party of the year and there he was. In the center of everything looking like a dream. I was determined not to deal with this yet. SO i avoided him that night. But he didn't see me anyway until orientation. I go to a small middle eastern school so the entire freshman class was doing orientation in one of the lecture rooms. I made the mistake of volunteering myself. Well, it's not necessarily a mistake i got a free hoodie out of it. But if you've ever been to a college orientation you know the whole thing is about building community or some crap like that. He was sitting in the second row from the front (because he's never been on time for anything in his life) and i was sitting two rows behind him ( because I'm kinda a nerd and I'm barely five feet tall). SO those of us foolish enough to volunteer ourselves had to introduce ourselves and say what state we were from. And that's when i knew i was screwed. I came back early from lunch and chatted with a few people when i noticed him looking at me. I looked back into those eyes that it seemed like i could get lost in forever he knew who i was. It was like nothing had changed. Then i snapped out of it everything had changed i wasn't the little girl with a long ponytail bouncing behind her carefree. I was almost a woman and id been through crap i could only imagine at twelve. I still had my ponytail though. So i forced my gaze to the ground and walked away to find a seat. It was a month later on my birthday when we finally spoke to each other. Our friend groups had been overlapping since day one. We ended up at lunch together. and we all introduced ourselves. He waited for introductions to be over then asked had i ever gone to camp____ _. I said yes and we caught up. I thought that would be the beginning of something. But other than a few snaps here and there we don't even talk. ANd i want to be over him and with him all at the same time. It's so exhausting. Moral of the story get over your middle school crush before college. Because I've lived literally across the street from him for a whole school year and i loved him but i couldn't talk to him. Heck, we even worked at the same place for a while. and i still couldn't talk to him. I feel about twelve when i look at him and i think he knows i like him. But I've never been rejected cause i never cared this much before. I need help. SO if any of you have any advice please help. Either how to get over him or how to get him. I'm desperate for a change in this highly unfortunate situation.