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I Cant Remember My Past

I can't remember much of it because of being in a constant state of abuse for a good portion of my life. My brain has a wonderful way of erasing past events or people from my memory if they hurt me really bad. It's like I know certain things have happened but I can't really remember going through it. It's pretty nice to have after dealing with the heartache and fallout after an event. Quite useful indeed.

Recently, I had lost a close friend and came to terms with it. After that, my mind already got to work and started smudging her out of my memory. Occasionally, I get flashbacks or little reminders of her and feel a sense of loss. Though, after yesterday I erased so much of her that she doesn't have any sense of importance to me anymore. It feels like she's been burried deep in my past now. Really, if I'm sad at all, it's mostly because I miss being understood and close with someone. It has nothing to do with her anymore. Of course, that's what she wanted.

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Madelenie · 26-30, F

Is it really not about missing being understood "by her" and close with "her"?..

SW-User

@Madelenie 🤔 If it was three days ago then I'd say yes but not anymore. I can have understanding and all of that with someone else. Hopefully, they won't be so venomous like she was (not her fault for being that way but it was pretty painful).

Madelenie · 26-30, F

@SW-User So you hate her now...? No happy memories? (◕ʖ̯◕)

SW-User

@Madelenie lol no, I don't hate her.

Three days ago we had a falling out over something incredibly stupid. I was ready to move on with it and continue being her friend. She tried to do that but wasn't strong enough or mature enough to let it go because she's alot like myself. I can't hate her for getting hurt and being damaged like she was before I even met her.

Though, the truth is she wasn't good for me because we're too much alike. She was split too, and parts of her didn't really care that I was around, so it's like I never existed more often than not. On top of that, she would act as a trigger for me too. It would throw me off balance and send me in a spiral from my own alters.

Talk about a mess but I don't hate her for it. :)

Madelenie · 26-30, F

@SW-User But at least she tried... I know there are something so hard to change especially if that something has to do with past experience. Dunno about this case, but for me, if one person is willing to try, that means they do realize that's what they need to make a change and that they do care about who they try it for. Sometimes it makes me feel sad to see people falling out over silly things that could be fixed in time...Just saying... (-ʖ̯-)

SW-User

@Madelenie Yeah, she did try a little. She's really sweet and a caring person just her alters couldn't care. Since we had that falling out that made them dislike and mistrust me even more. They split off from me just like how I split off with her. Erase, erase, erase...my alters don't care much either, though [b]I[/b] know deep down she's good. :)

I know she's very loyal and can love deep. She's friends with someone who repeatedly hurts her but she forgives them. Maybe in time she could forgive me but I don't think it's anytime soon.

Madelenie · 26-30, F

@SW-User Awwwww... you still like her (-ʖ̯-)/</3 Anyway what do you mean by alters??

SW-User

@Madelenie lol a part of me does. 💙

Alters as in split personalities. We can be ourselves one moment then [i]boom[/i], different person. She has it worse than I do though. Me? I still have a little tiny bit of control and filter most of the time. Where she will actually say or do things that just sort of slip out even though her main self is present. Lol I know this is confusing as shit. Ha!!

Madelenie · 26-30, F

@SW-User Nuh uh!! Marshy likes philosophy and psychology! She understands people can have alters, The Story of Billy is a good book ( ͡◕ ͜ʖ ͡◕)/

SW-User

@Madelenie hahahahaha! I gotcha, Marshy! :D Thank you!

I'll put that down in my list of books to read. :)