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I Am Tired

Every once in a great while, I experience a day like today. The fog drifts in. Not all at once. Just a little at a time. Chipping away at my light.... Seemingly robbing me of smiles and humor that are the typical me.

Today. I look in the mirror and am aghast at my reflection. Symmetry no longer.... fr<x>amed only in grotesque darkness.

The old familiar numbness envelopes me like a well worn blanket...as if damping my light and muting my joy.

Today I do hear chirping birds nor do I see brilliant spring colors. Only gray grass and charcoal colors do I see.

I do not wish for encouragement. I do not wish for light. I dream only of long sleep and no voices.

I think perhaps love should not have to be so hard. Perhaps I have discovered the far side of empathy. The Universe and I are not on speaking terms this dreary Texas day. F%ck you universe for making me feel. Just let me go.

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Gracey0079

I can relate to this. Anyone familiar with the "dark cloud" can. As with all dark clouds, there is a silver lining in this one, too. It comes when the darkness lifts... And the euphoric feeling of happiness arrives once again. Those who don't know the dips and dives down, concurrently don't know the joy involved in the climb back up.
It took me twenty plus years to figure out how to beat my "darkness." I now understand that the only way out is through keeping busy despite the desire to hide and sleep... To ignore the beast despite it's ringing alarm in my ears... To consciously choose a different path. Having said that, there are days when, like you, I lose the battle. I can handle losing days, however, when I understand losing years.
Thinking of you... xxx

Texaspilot · 51-55, M

Thanks Gracey. It doesn't happen as often as it used to so its a little surprising when it sneaks up on me. Thanks for your thoughtful response.