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I Am Lost In Life

Beginning Of The End?... I have had serious problems with loneliness since my late adolescence...I have spent much of my life friendless and with virtually no social network. I have no family apart from my mother...I had a half brother and sister, but I no longer have anything to do with them as they are extremely vile and completely "toxic" and I do not want them anywhere near my life, no matter how desperate my situation is. Having no social network has so many implications for one's life...in my experience it has made me realise just how vulnerable it makes you against others.

I confess that in the past I have propped up the bar at the "last chance saloon", so to speak...but I always backed out of it. Partly because I came to my senses and realised what a devastating impact it would have on my mum, and partly out of some vague hope that the future still lay ahead of me and things would change for the better. I now realise that that hope was but a mere illusion, and it seems a certainty that things will not improve. I look at people around me...for sure, their lives aren't all peachy and they do have their problems just like everyone else...but they have a life. And that's what has so cruelly eluded me. They are not travelling into outer space or bringing peace to the Middle East...they simply have a life worth living.

The last friend that I had turned his back on me some 3-4 years ago, and that is when I finally realised that the game was up in terms of me ever having any hope of attaining some kind of a regular life. During that time I have managed to cope...however, it has always been in the back of my mind that things might change, and that I might lapse back into a state of depression. And then what I dreaded began to happen, and I have found myself increasingly being dragged back once again towards that dark and desolate place I was in during my late teens and early twenties. Since the middle of this year, things have started to change, and it has triggered what I can only describe as an existential crisis and I have increasingly felt myself sliding back into a sense of darkness and desolation. I am afraid...no, actually I'm [b]terrified[/b]...it feels as if existence has become this massive and terrible burden...what fragments of joy that I had have ceased to exist and I feel as though I have been dragged into some kind of void. Yes, I'm afraid of death, and as strange as this seems, I don't want to die...yet I cannot see how I can endure the rest of my life in a perpetual state of despair and loneliness...I'm sorry but I just can't do it.

I am purely existing for the sake of my mum...but as any of you in the same situation will know all too well, it is very difficult when you are living for the sake of another person rather than yourself. After all, I do not think I am being selfish when I say that at least we deserve to live for the sake of our own lives. When she is gone, I will have nobody left...there will be nothing left to stop me, no one left to hurt by way of this final act. That thought is quite frightening, but at the same time it is also quite liberating too.

There have been some really great times in my life, despite all the betrayals and disappointments...it is a shame that we cannot capture these moments and make them last forever.

hoping4us
Hello, I am so sorry you feel this way. I know how horrible it feels. I am someone who travelled the world and met many great people, spoke in front of multitudes and yet through circumstances wound up alone.

Completely alone and broken. Lost my home, etc. It is truly a shame the great moments don't stay with us longer than they do.

When I read your sediments and identification I thought for a while. I don't know you but I see the pain you feel and I understand it.

Maybe it would be better to do something risky than simply fade away. Risky instead of foolish, but foolish instead of fatal, maybe try something far above your comfort zone?

I'm sorry I don't know your age or gender but assume you're in the UK. I loved London and honestly I wish I was there right now :)
Regardless maybe one day, maybe tomorrow, ask every single girl or guy you see out for a date, without any concerns, simple one liners you find amusing as you walk by, don't wait for a response or worry if they reject you, expect it. Tell someone nearby "watch my charm", get rejected, openly laugh it off, and give smart one line replies, do it again and again.

Soon you'll be laughing and making others laugh too. Sometimes the interaction is all it takes to change lives. I hope you'll try and feel better soon.
Best regards, Doug

 
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