I Am Defective

I am a broken person. There is no single part of me that works the way it should. Lately I have been trying to find happiness and I thought it was working. Figured I could turn everything around by sparking change. I think I was delusional. Every day brings newer realizations that no matter how hard I try, something will always make me a disappointment to others.

I tried to be a better friend, I ended up just sitting in a corner jealous of the stronger connections everyone else had. I tried to be a better lover, I failed to satisfy in any way. I tried to find a better job, I'm jobless with only one month of rent left. I tried to have a more positive attitude, I woke up today and am writing this.

It weighs on the soul knowing that every effort you put in to bettering yourself ends in failure and regret. I took a step forward and now I feel like I am falling. I am tired of being a spectacle of sympathy in the eyes of those around me. I am tired of trying over and over and getting nothing but further confirmation that this life I live is pointless. What good is living when you have nothing to give?

I regurgitate these words over and over in every way possible here and everywhere. I try and make sense of what I am. Why I am what I am. The world is just a joke. I need a punchline soon.

bXb