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Is this an echo chamber? Have I been here before?

Do you ever have an epiphany moment and wonder how many times you've had that exact epiphany before? It can be an exhilarating moment, yet also frustrating at the same time, when you ponder the realization... like, "I'm happy I'm moving forward, but... is this a loop?"

Anyways, I am 29 years old now. I have been friends with this one guy for about 4 years now. We met at a bar back then, and most of our hangouts revolved around nightlife. Well, I moved away for about 3 of those years, and have recently moved back to my hometown. We caught up and he invited me over to him and his boyfriend's house. We made it somewhat of a ritual to see each other on Saturdays, and because of social distancing, it's nice to have that social outlet... just us three.

Well, the other night he invited one more person over. They ordered pizzas, there were drinks. He's 27, about to be 28 this year, and his boyfriend and the chick they invited over are all that age. I think 4 years ago this hangout would've been something I would've enjoyed, but tonight it felt very performative on my part. I felt like I could've been doing something to move myself forward that night like practicing coding, or learning more about photoshop, reading... just anything that wasn't drinking some hard seltzer watching Rupaul's Drag Race and eating food that I had just worked out of my diet.

The next morning I woke up feeling like the entire pizza was still in its complete form, just sitting at the bottom of my belly, completely undissolved, and wholly present. My face felt dry from all the alcohol that I had consumed (which wasn't much), and as I laid in my bed looking up at the ceiling I realized that I can't do this anymore.

I love him as a friend, but my life has changed. My goals have changed, the way that I want to treat myself has changed. They are still in their early-to-mid twenties and my twenties are gone. It's just an awkward gap to navigate now, I think.

But I'm not going to leave him behind. I figure I'll just pass on the weekend pizza fests and if they want to do something related to my goals now, like hiking, or doing a creative project, starting a mini-book club, then I'd totally be down. But I have to start picking up adult things now (to be honest, probably should've been earlier than now really). I've noticed that my whole life I have been sensitive to other people's emotions and interests and haven't been much time paying attention to my own emotions or cultivating my own interests.

I have honestly begun to feel like I've allowed myself to insidiously slip away. So subtly, that it was hardly even noticed by myself until I began to look around at where I am and compare it to where I thought I'd be. I used to make excuses for myself, like, "Oh, you're working, but life is hard and it's just pushing you back sometimes."... but if I'm really honest with myself and take an actual personal inventory. I haven't been doing shit the past 4 years. Yeah, I've been working a job, but toward what? Yeah, I have creative interests... but what was the last creative project that I executed?

I can't keep telling myself lies or basking in the accomplishments of my former self, patting myself on the back thinking, "That'll do." I can't remain stagnant. I need to continue to push myself and to continue to love myself. I need to stop focusing on others and focusing on them to escape my own issues (I do that a lot with my romantic relationships). I need to truly begin to exercise love toward myself and get going.

And it starts now.

Again.
BigGuy2 · 26-30, M
You’ve been here before ...before ...before ...before ...befo ...be
BigGuy2 · 26-30, M
[@839852,BigGuy2] ...🤣
wtfgirl001 · 26-30, F
[@839852,BigGuy2] Hey, who said that?! I feel like I've said that before ... before ... befo ...be
BigGuy2 · 26-30, M
[@492921,wtfgirl001] ... too many to count ...count ...co
BigGuy2 · 26-30, M

 
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