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I Had a Stillborn Baby

Misty...
She was a full term stillbirth. It was the most traumatic experience in my life. I carried her for nine months, bought all her clothes, decorated her nursery, packed her clothes to come home from the hospital, loved her dearly.
It was a spontaneous rupture of the placenta. No one could tell me why it happened.."just one of those things" I was within five minutes of bleeding out. I had to go back to work after six weeks,although i wasnt ready. I was working in a retaurant, and all my customers knew i was due. When I came back, they would all ask "oh , what did you have?" , happy for me. I had to tell them what had happened.....making both of us feel horrible. I cried at the drop of a hat...for no seeming reason. It took a very long time before i could even look at a baby without crying.
My husband at the time, took my two pre-schoolers to my parent's house for them to take care of my kids, and stayed at our house alone. The only thing i asked him to do for me , was to get rid of all Misty's things....i didn't want to have to come home and see them,,thought it would be too hard. I was in the hospital for a week , then at my parents for another week to recuperate. When i finally went home, i walked into her room, and there sat all of her things.
Duparc
What a sad experience! My first wife and I had a similar one but in our situation, a son, died after 2 hours for reasons that are unknown to us. My wife, in those days (the 1950s) was expected not to grieve and that is something which is essential and imperative. Until my first wife's passing 11 years ago she never did overcome the loss of her son even though we moved forward and subsequently had three lovely daughters. Grief is so necessary so do not suppress it nor stop yourself from crying. The fact that you do grieve gives your baby's birth value; her birth was not in vain.

I am wondering if you misunderstood your husband's feelings on this occasion. Men (non that I am aware of) bond with children until after the birth so his feelings could seem to you to be callous. Hard as it may seem and sound, but, he is unlikely to have had any paternal feelings for his lost child; his interest would be more focused on you and your emotional state which would be confusing to him.

I wonder if this helps to clarify his reaction?
ceferreirinha
the worst part for me, besides the huge void and all the grief, was to face people afterwards. They would ask : ' so where's the baby?' or 'is the baby at home?'
i had to recite a rhyme to everybody i saw and was amazed by the different reactions in people. I preferred the cold reactions (like, " oh, well, it happens") to the warm ones, because the warm reactions (where people would almost start crying) opened the wound all over again.
we don't know why our baby was stillborn, no medical explanation, a big mystery. so how do I answer people who ask " so what happened? " of "why?"
my mom in law took out every single baby thing out of our house before we came home. there was no trace of baby clothes, baby bed, nothing, but a few weeks later something would inevitably pop up like a tube of baby cream or something. you are right, the scars never heal, but it does become different after time, when you realize the wisdom and strength such a horrorific, traumatic experience brings to your life.
ellerbeevelyn
i gave birth to my baby girl march 27,th 2006 i went nine months to come home with out a baby the hardest thing was going home and answering the question of what did you have hows the baby and i felt like buying a shirt that said i lost her because everytime i had to answer that question my heart broke more and more i've started a foundation in honor of (TEN FINGERS AND TOES THE KIMORA GRAHAM FOUNDATION) I NEED TO BE THE VOICE FOR HER AND OTHER BABIES THAT HAVE DIED THIS WAY!
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
I'm so very sorry for your loss (((((((((((ellerbeevelyn)))))))))))))!! I think you're right, that was the hardest thing, because it happened over and over again....makes it very hard to keep your composure, much less heal.
Thank you so much for your comment!

xoxo
Penny
loveuabbie
i am so sorry, i hav lost my baby girl 39 weeks pregnant,went for my check up on 9th of nov, 2010, and found their was no heartbeat, my world fell apart , my little angle was born on 10 of nov,2010, we also had her room ready ,its so hard looking at all her lovely stuff we bought for her ,, seems so not fair,she was so wanted ,trying for her for the last 3years, and had 3miscar,, like a dreame i wanted to wake up, only for my 11year old son and 4year girl keeping me going,may god help all mothers keep them strong to get true every day,god bless
katiecrumley
I am so sorry for your loss. I have recently just lost my son at 35 weeks pregnant the cause of his death is unknown. I also have my sons bedroom ready for him clothes ready, crib all set up and to this day his bedroom door is still closed because it is just so hard to go in there and think that he will never b in that room that was decorated just for him. I had my son on July 20th 2010 and i will say that was the worst day of my life. If you ever need to chat just send me a message i can kind of relate to what you are going through. May god Bless you and your family.
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
duparc, valient effort,, thanks. His reaction to the stillbirth was but the most blatant example of his lack of empathy for me and our children. At the time, i had already stayed in the marriage years longer than I should have,,,for the sake of the kids. At that point , we were both just going through the motions. I was a wife with two kids and a stillbirth,,he was a single man emcumbered by a family he didn't want.

Thank you so much for your support!!

P.
dietcola
My experience was so close to yours... my daughter died in utero on her due date, from a blood clot in the cord. She was my first child, though... no other children to hug or love. My life felt so empty. I asked my parents to take all of her things that I had out... clothes, swing, cradle... and move them into her room.

(((HUGS))) it is a horrific, traumatic and unthinkable thing to have happen. The worst thing in the world.
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I think that only someone who's gone through it can really understand....and I agree, facing people was extremely difficult. I preferred the "cold" reactions also.....but no matter the reaction, even the question itself brought me to tears. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story!! Love and peace to you..


Penny
imtj28
I gave birth to my still daughter at 23 week's. It's so heartbreaking I understand your pain and can only hope the days to come will bring peace and understanding to us both. I'm so sorry for your loss
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
Thank you so much...and I for yours.
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
I'm so sorry for your loss, loveuabbie!! It's been many years for me, and the pain is still quited fresh. You're right, my other children kept me going, too. They were a blessing I didn't fully recognize at the time! Wishing you love and peace!

xo
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
Thank you so much , ZephyrSin.....I left him long ago. Yes, it is a scar that will never heal....it has definitely left an indelible mark on my heart.
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
Thanks for the words of encouragement. The stillbirth of my daughter spelled the end of that marriage. His callousness was too much for me to bear. P.
Wraither
I'm very sorry to hear this. Should never happen to anybody! Did you come home earlier than you had agreed upon with your ex-husband?
ZephyrSin
... I want to shake your husband until his teeth rattle and shout at him for this. I am so sorry.
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
dietcola, thanks for the sympathy. I extend mine to you also.

Penny Webb
MzKoKo32
That must've been very difficult. My heart goes out to you!
Lonesurvivor · 61-69, F
No , i didn't. He just didn't care. :-( P.

 
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