I Am Struggling With My Sexuality

Well, I understand that dealing with one's own sexuality can take time, but I feel like I really can't deal with it alone, or just ignore it, for that matter. It all started at the beginning of my senior year of high school. Now, up until this point, I just assumed I was straight, since I've had crushes only on girls. Well, there was this guy, who I had some classes with throughout my time in high school. He was really annoying and just bothered me a lot. Last year, though, he walks up to me and acts nice to me, wanting to start up conversation. I just decided to talk with him. As the year went on, I noticed that he was actually a really nice guy. He just liked to joke around, I guess. I noticed how he took a sudden interest to get to know me, and, I'm probably wrong, but I was picking up a vibe that he actually liked me. I don't know, but I really began to like him, though. I had a really strong crush on him, and I guess I could say now that I could have actually dated him. That is, assuming my vibe was correct! I never said anything, because I'm extremely timid, and, well, I was a little frightened too, but it felt nice. In weight training class he would occasionally touch me (like on the shoulder or on the chest, something like that). Now that I'm in college, I cannot shake the feeling that I may be bisexual, or even gay. I don't know if I'm fully straight, but this experience has made me think over and over as to who I am. It's so strange, though. I've never felt this confused.

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sysper

welcome to the complications of sexuality lol.......1st of all it's perfectly ok to like guys in case ur questioning that, don't let ne1 ever tell u different! it's good ur acknowleging ur feelings for some1 of the same sex, some people won't even do that to themselves. they repress it & live in denial all kinda problems can come from that. it's good ur admitting it online too, i'm so glad sites like this are around so i can share things with strangers i don't quite have the nerve to share with ne of my friends. hopefully i can be supportive of u :) u admitted u understood dealing with sexuality can take time. remember that & be patient. it may take awhile for things to become clear for u. again don't ignore it. u will not get ne peace untill u explore ur feelings & not only accept them but embrace them. but 1 step at a time. with time & experiance it will get better i promise. u mentioned ur in college, does that mean ur living in the dorms? if so u have got a great opportunity! so many people around ur age living close togather, alot of people away from home from the 1st time enjoying freedom. everybody's exposed to new ideas & eager to learn something new not just in the classroom. that includes the freedom to find urself sexually. i'm very sure there are guys close to u on the same journey u are, curious about a new idea but not quite sure what to make of it. confused & perhaps a little intimidated to try nething. or maybe there are some people who will never realize these kinda feelings untill they come across the right opportunity. keep an open eye for guys like u who are seeking this so u2 can seek togather, or guys who are allready experianced & willing to be supportive of somebody with questions. i'm not saying u have to jump into bed with them or start going out on dates. like i said 1 step at a time. sometimes all u need is to talk with a good friend nothing more. just be open to learn approach it with an open mind no judgements. try & break out of ur comfort zone but if ur gut says something is not right don't do nething ur not sure of. so why wouldn't u try & get in contact with ur friend from hs? maybe when he was annoying he was trying to get ur attention, but then he realized that wasn't working so he changed plans. maybe he has had a crush on u all this time. just consider that's a possibility nothing more. if u have lost contact friend him on fb. u can start with liking random things of his to start, see where it goes. maybe let things slip innocently. ambiguous statements that can be understood innocently or not so innocently :} finding urself is a lifelong process we all owe it to ourselves to keep on doing it. we also deserve peace of mind & happiness. treat this like an adventure & invite the right people to come along :) if u don't like it u just walk away & don't owe ne1 nething. but if u do like it think of all the happiness u could be missing out on. it took me years to come to the realizations ur coming to right now, i didn't even begin to question my sexuality untill my early 20's. even now i haven't had ne experiances with guys & still pretty unsure. my experiances would of been different in my 20's than they would be now in my 40's but i will never know. not to put ne pressure on u but i think it's worth considering. only u will know the right time. i encourage u to explore this. be calm, don't overthink it, be carefull, be openminded & go for it! let us know how it goes. feel free to write me if u want. it's good to chat with people going thru similar challenges.

MarioT96 · 26-30, M

I really so love when people are able to write something this amazing on my experiences. It's moving!

You know, I've been doing A LOT of thinking since I've written this experience. It'll be almost a year since I started questioning my sexuality. The guy I liked in high school made friends with my sister and is now going to my college. How weird! I think my crush on him mostly died out. It's sad, but I have to move on. :(

I don't know where to find someone to talk to. I, sadly, don't live in a dorm (I stay with my parents). I already suffer from social anxiety, and I feel like it will make it hard to reach out to someone who is either going through what I'm going through or someone who has figured it all out. There's so many websites that deal with talking about "finding yourself," but I would rather talk to a person, you know?

I don't know how I feel about women anymore. When I think about men or women, though (like me in a fantasy relationship XD ) I get more excited and scared about a relationship with a man than woman. I don't know. I actively think about these kinds of things. :o

It seems we are going through the same thing? (Please correct me if I'm wrong!) Maybe we can message each other?

Thank you again for posting your response! :)

sysper

i'm glad u appreciate my response. it's a good feeling when some1 can relate to me :) small world with this guy being friends with ur sister lol.....maybe things would of worked out with u & him but it just wasn't the right time. it sounds like ur ok with it now. but u still got alot of thinking to do. not like i don't lol.....self help kinda things etc are good u should read them. there is something to gain from there even if ur just reading about other people's experiances. but i totally understand the need to talk with an actual person. the nice thing about this is, it's anonymous & we will never meet each other, so there's less pressure we can be pretty frank about our feelings. not that i would have nething against meeting u :) i would still keep an eye open at college. there is alot of learning & alot of ideas coming from there. it's a good environment to explore things u normally might not. especially with so many people around ur age. i don't reallly have ne suggestions how to take advantage of that, maybe a short chat with a person or 2 after class & go from there. is there ne kinda lgbt club at ur college? i would guess the folks there would be very supportive & respectfull. i'm guessing it might not be for u but do consider it. to answer ur question i think u & me are pretty much going through the same thing. my curiosity came in phases. i would fantasize about being with a guy, even though i felt kinda embarassed about it i couldn't deny it was turning me on. never about an actual guy either just the thought of a guys in general. then i had to j/o afterwards i felt pretty selfconscious & ashamed about it & swore i wouldn't think about guys like that again. then it would sometimes be months but the feelings allways came back. over the years that period between has gotten shorter untill maybe a few years ago i'm pretty much allways open to the idea of being with a guy. i know part of it is at some point i gave myself permission to be bisexual, whether it turns out i am or not. it gives me the space to explore who i am & accept what i find. it's a great sense of freedom! also kinda thinking letting myself enjoy homosexual pleasure might give me a sense of freedom too, to give up this feeling it's wrong to think about it or do it cause i know it's absolutely not wrong.

sysper

i can also relate to ur anxiety. probably why i haven't been to successfull with girls :( sometimes i think turning my attention to the same sex helps me cope with my failures & fears with the opposite sex, getting girls off of my mind. also at least i would be getting something i'm missing. it's hard to express that sometimes. even online there's a website i was on people are pretty judgemental. so i avoid it. but so far alot of understanding people here! is it ok if i add u to my friend list here?

MarioT96 · 26-30, M

Of course! I really like EP! Everyone I've met is nice!

sysper

it says can't add :( would u add me?