I Am So Down And Out

Feeling cast out, like no one likes me, like no one could (ever) like me, like I don't belong, like I repulse people or at the very least bore them, that I haven't been constructed to be with others on any meaningful level, that I am horrifically deficient for (suddenly) feeling like I need the company of others, that there is something wrong with me. These are not new feelings. They have been with me, to varying degrees my entire conscious life. I can't escape them; I can't out-run them; I can't rise above them. And, I can't disown them. They are an ugly part of me, even during the fleeting moments when my logical mind is able to seize control and point out the contradictions and insanity of these social anxiety juiced perceptions.

I can't seem to catch a break in knowing people. I feel rejection - even when it is not there or when it should not matter from strangers who neither know me or are probably not worth knowing in return. I elevate "their" perception of me over my own self-worth. It's a series of battles that I fight every single day as though my life depended on that fight - even though I lose every single one of those battles.

At the gym, I see someone who "seems" to go out of his way to avoid me and I feel monumentally rejected. I notice people engaged in texting and I become envious. I see people engage with each other, well beyond the simple and courteous greetings that are the extent of my interaction with others and I become jealous. I feel lost, alone, and broken.

I recently searched under "I feel like no one likes me" and found I am not alone. There are lots of Internet "entities" who claim to feel the same way I do, so there is some sick-comfort in knowing I am not suffering this destiny alone. And, some are worse off because they are bitter and suicidal. In that respect, I feel blessed. I am exasperated by my "condition," but not bitter. I am perpetually sad about my intense solitude, but I am not suicidal.

I have zero interest in taking medication, supplements, alcohol, or drugs. And, talk-therapy offers only mild relief that is shorter and shorter lived before I bounce back like a flattened cartoon image into my original form: a solitary, lonely guy who sees what an outsider he really is and tragically considers that as his inescapable destiny.

kingofthenorth87 · 36-40, M

I don't even know why I'm writing this, If more than 2 people decide to read this whole thing I guess I would be surprised.

Perhaps this will inspire you, or it's just a waste of your time, IDK. But at least, getting the sensation of writing back into my hands, it feels good.

4 weeks ago I decided NO MORE similarWorlds, as it felt as fullfilling as buying a pack of cigarettes. After eternities of exchanging F'us, trolling, pranks, retarded discussions and jokes... a comment finally got to me. An older asshole said "this guy spends his entire life online..." - after thousands of "blank bullet" insults, this one actually had the silver that got to me. I thought to myself... man this asshole, he's right! shiiiiiiit....

So i decided to do something about it, this in combination with the fact that my whole group theraphy thing was getting... or more... seeming like an endless tirade of talking, with little or no real impact of my real life situation. It was feeling like a chore without any reward. I mean it had done a lot of good, but still. The giant "breaktrough" was not there.

So there I was, on a plane to Asia. Nobody knew I was there, literally nobody. I told everybody a different white lie to throw them of my back as to my real goal. I was not even sure how it would all end up. But the second I sat on the plane, and realized, I will actually experience something other than my stale and shitty daily routine. Which seems like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy... and so on. My entire self lit up. I felt like Leonardo di caprio in that Movie - "the Beach". My plane went from Bergen to Oslo, from Oslo to Switzerland and from there to Asia.

On the plane from Switzerland to Asia I met a nice French speaking lady, just my positive energy and wide smile drew her in, she was in the seat to my left. She was so nice to me. She could just speak French, a language I don't understand, but she responded so well to my positive energy. She was so polite and nice to me. She even slept on my shoulder when she got tired, like she was my girlfriend. I mean she must have been in her late 30's, but just the positivity we exchanged - priceless. To my right was an old Dutch speaking Belgian guy in his 70's. We could both speak german so we ended up talking a lot during the plane trip. He told me about problems he had meeting New People at his age, his failing Health, his girlfriend abroad, how all his siblings had died and many more things. We were actually connecting on a meaningfull Level. I did NOT miss my internett Connection at this point, even when he became a bit annoying after a while.

I ended up seeing wast portions of my destination country just by taking a taxi to my hotell. Just seeing something else than the everboring same old Norwegian appartment buildings was a blessing in itself.

Even my internett connection at my hotelroom was REALLY bad. Like USELESS bad, this was also a blessing. I went outside EVERY day. I had no intention of rotting away in front of some computer screen.

I went outside everyday, either to some bar or a nightclub or even just some stripclub/gogo bar. I spent so much time, interacting with real people, face to face. I mean, THAT, compared to interactions online. Well, let me tell you, it was 10 times more fullfilling. Even just chatting some politics with a British guy in his 40's - It was great. Just starting the day going up and down the Beach and watch People, instead of jerking off to the newest sluts on pornhub... the difference...

I experienced real friendship, like I haven't had in a long time. With some Scottish guy who also traveled alone. I just strolled into some nightclub, I think I gave him a high five or something. We chatted up, bought a bottle of whiskey together and had a great time with some asian hookers (Yeah I know I'm an asshole, but fuck, who cares). It was so good, just dancing, drinking goofing of and getting so much validation from this guy telling how much he enjoyed us hanging out. I even saw a Picture where he had passed out in his room the day afterwards - never laughed so much in my life, it was like an american comedy.

When all the hookers, strippers and bargirls got boring I had some great moments flirting With the russian tourists. Even went to a Russian bar - was such a great Place. People are so inviting and nice when abroad, like the opposite to the Norwegian social culture. I was so free, nobody knew me, nobody knew I was there, nobody cared. Absolute freedom. Like I haven't felt in a long time. Like the jailer setting free a horse that has been confined to a barn for years. Running free, in euphoria and extacy, untill it's chased back into the old deppressing barn... no matter what, It will never forget it's short lasting freedom.

Here is one episode that keeps popping up in my memory, always brings up a smile. I went into this shady gogo bar, sat Down and ordered a drink. Lot's of asian girls dancing with number signs on their thongs at a stage you could walk up and Down from. But, in the middle of them, there is a caucasian girl.She was russian, man I love slavic Girls. Holy shit she is a 9, and fuck... she can Dance. She gyrated her hips in such an awesome way, her face was Perfect, her body, oh man. She is wearing typical russian tourist clothes, She looks at me. She smiles, I smile, she touches her hair. I look at her from top to bottom. She Dances and Dances, looking at me, showing off her sexy body With seductive moves. I even get a hard on, from seeing somebody DANCE With their clothes on! A HARD ON!
Sure, it ended With "Igor" the boyfriend manhandling her for flirting With someone else, but still, the experience. That is something nobody can take away from me.

Just jogging down at the Beach, and smiling to the blond slavic Girls, priceless.

I went back to my Group therapy after I had gotton home to Norway after just a single week. The psychology professor, the one who leads Our therapy Group. He was really surprised.

"King, what happened? last time we talked everybody was worried about you, seeing how deppressed and downtrodden you seemed, not taking a single exam!" "Now you seem like you are on fire, what happened?!"

I don't remembered what I responded with, but I think just deciding to "log of" and live my life, that was what made all the difference in the world and saved me from my own depression.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

I read every word, king. I get the message; I do. You have been a real friend to me. Thanks. [cries] [sorry]

SW-User

Then open up to people more. Escape that pointless shell of shyness and stop pushing people away because I know that's how this works...If you don't wanna do these things then enjoy the misery.