I Dont Even Know What To Do

i just feel like i'm drifting through life. most of the time i fall out of reality and just live in a fictional place i created, a place where i can be my true self and be away from everything and everyone. i feel like sometimes i'm not even real, like i'm just an imaginary friend to others in my life. weird part is, i've come to terms with it. i'm not smart enough and brave enough to do stuff on my own, the world seems really big and i just don't feel like i'd fit in anywhere. lately, i've stopped having dreams (i usually have about 3-4 dreams a week but for a while i've not had any) and music isn't helping much. i've lost the desire to paint. i don't even want to wake up most days..... but i don't really know if it's depression. i rarely feel anything anymore. i still laugh and use expressions around my roommate, but the feeling just isn't there. i'm planning to go into counseling some day, just don't know when yet. i don't even know how to talk to anyone about this either, everyone seems so busy with other stuff or someone else, so i feel like the odd one out. some friends vent out their day to me, or want me to help someone else, or they just stop talking to me and we just don't re-connect again. i think i went at things too fast though, moving to another state was scary but it had to be done so i could get away from my toxic family. i like the peace and quiet here, i even like being left alone, it's pretty much all i've ever known. i'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way sometimes, if i'm not just rambling, if my words and existence can mean so much more instead of nearly nothing