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I Dont Even Know What To Do

i just feel like i'm drifting through life. most of the time i fall out of reality and just live in a fictional place i created, a place where i can be my true self and be away from everything and everyone. i feel like sometimes i'm not even real, like i'm just an imaginary friend to others in my life. weird part is, i've come to terms with it. i'm not smart enough and brave enough to do stuff on my own, the world seems really big and i just don't feel like i'd fit in anywhere. lately, i've stopped having dreams (i usually have about 3-4 dreams a week but for a while i've not had any) and music isn't helping much. i've lost the desire to paint. i don't even want to wake up most days..... but i don't really know if it's depression. i rarely feel anything anymore. i still laugh and use expressions around my roommate, but the feeling just isn't there. i'm planning to go into counseling some day, just don't know when yet. i don't even know how to talk to anyone about this either, everyone seems so busy with other stuff or someone else, so i feel like the odd one out. some friends vent out their day to me, or want me to help someone else, or they just stop talking to me and we just don't re-connect again. i think i went at things too fast though, moving to another state was scary but it had to be done so i could get away from my toxic family. i like the peace and quiet here, i even like being left alone, it's pretty much all i've ever known. i'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way sometimes, if i'm not just rambling, if my words and existence can mean so much more instead of nearly nothing

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lovingdead · 31-35, M

I would gladly listen if you ever need to talk....so much of this resonates with me.....we'll explained about feeling like an imaginary friend

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: thank you

lovingdead · 31-35, M

@randomgirl42: no need to thank me for the offer.....I might accept one if I could ever help/listen.....but not for the offer. (Yet you're welcome all the same)

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: i'm just mostly trying to get by and pick myself up when i fall. right now i'm trying to look forward but not let depression continue to consume me, which can be really difficult

lovingdead · 31-35, M

Looking too far forward can cause issues, looking behind never leads you anywhere new...the key is to look ahead in small steps, where are you now and where do you want to be?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: for now i'm trying to look for an online job so i can save up money for a home instead of living in an apartment. i'm healing from family issues and getting used to a new town. a lot of stuff happened at once, but where i am now in life is much better compared to where i was

lovingdead · 31-35, M

So one step was already taken, and you are continuing taking them. Do you like your new town?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: it's ok i guess, i moved here about a year ago but it still feels new to me. i do miss some parts of my hometown though

lovingdead · 31-35, M

Do you know a decent amount of people/friends in this new place?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: only my room mate and his family. he's nice... but his family isn't the best. we're pretty close though

lovingdead · 31-35, M

That's cool, are you a social person, bars, clubs, sports?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: not really, i have anxiety so i mostly stay inside. i don't drink, not into sports

lovingdead · 31-35, M

What do you do to pass the time? Movies, video games, art, books, writing?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: i watch movies, play online games, and watch stuff on youtube

lovingdead · 31-35, M

If you could change three things about your life what would they be?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: to be happier, to have no worries, and be able to sleep better (i have sleep problems)

lovingdead · 31-35, M

Sleep problems suck....what would make you happier? And top 3 worries?

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: to make me happier - more friends who spend time with me and not leave me when times get tough. three worries to get rid of - never having to see my blood family again since they cause a lot of stress, my roommate and i not have to worry about money, and having more hope for the future so i don't worry that things will fall apart

lovingdead · 31-35, M

Friends are often hard to find....money issues are unfortunate everywhere.... (yet they do sometimes show us who sticks around or who helps out)....family stuff, are there any points you do have to see them? Unavoidably?.....and although I agree with not wanting things in the future to fall apart, it's the cycle of life, a tree grows up from a tiny spec, and each year everything it creates dies while still attached to it, and is torn away by the wind or it grows so cold they fall at its feet, and through the dark winter it knows all of its past memories lay buried under the snow, yet come spring it gathers it's strength and fights again.....I'm not saying after every storm comes a rainbow, but there are times it is worth it.

randomgirl42 · 26-30, F

@lovingdead: i don't have to see my blood family since i moved pretty far away from them, i just get nervous thinking they can email me. my aunt kept emailing with me back and forth a while ago, we mostly argued, now we don't talk. i like what you say about the tree, i just hope i'll be able to keep my strength up and continue forward

lovingdead · 31-35, M

Strength can often be found in strange places.