I Live A Lifeless Life
They say it gets worse before it gets better, but all I see is things getting worse...however, there is another saying that goes "God only throws at you what you can handle." Not sure how true that is, because Death is not handled. I believe Death handles all of us. You cannot control Death. My father wanted so badly to stay on this Earth, and fought until his last breath in October, even though they told them there was nothing he could do for his liver cancer. He realized after being told it was terminal, just how precious life really is; because once it is gone, you can't breath again. I can only describe his last breaths as looking like he was drowning without water. His eyes were wide and looking straight at me. I can only imagine what he was thinking. Yes, he was indeed awake, and I know this because he had a tear just minutes before running down his cheek as I told him the story about the time he taught me to tie my shoes. Despite being a drunk most of his life, he still tried to do some of the raising even though my mother left him when I was a very young age. My father had problems, but he still loved me. That is all that mattered.
I think about Death, and how soon it could come, and I think about where I am in life now...and the fact that I will be 40 in a few years. What have I been doing wrong that I have not achieved more than a Bachelor's degree in the arts? I keep wondering if I chose the wrong major. Music, my major, is not in demand, and writing, my minor, is also a very competitive field that is not guaranteed to get someone published. I'm already $40,000 in student loan debt, and I cannot go back to school for fear of ringing up more and still not knowing if I will succeed in something. School does not seem like the best option for people anymore. Why go if there is no career afterwards?
I have a boyfriend I've been with for going on 12 years now. He is successful in his career after college. It makes me envious. The difference between him and I is that he chose a career that is definitely in demand, and it pays well. All of his hard work paid off. The problem with it is that he is gone most of the time, and when he's home he's on the video games. I am irritated because he could be doing more with me when he is home, but he's so tired from work that he doesn't really want to socialize much, and he tells me he needs 2 hours of him time. The problem is, he loses track of time and is on the games for longer than that. We watch Netflix after I cook for him, but we don't do much more. And when he feels up to it, sometimes we go to dinner and a movie. That is date night. But I want to do something new, and sometimes that involves spending money if we want to have fun, otherwise there's not much to do in this town. And on the subject of video games, he really could be more active, but chooses not to. He is over weight, and I fear that being so inactive is what will take his life. He works out on occasion, but not regularly. We had a perfect schedule a few months ago, but it changed when he switched teams at his job. He has new hours now, and I don't think he will ever have a fixed schedule. When they need him, they need him. The job has always been "flex," which is okay, because he can leave when he needs to if they don't need anything from him, and he can also work from home. But he cannot talk much about his job because it is a govt. contract, and it's sensitive. There is less we can talk about nowadays, and it's dulling the relationship. I am proud of him for achieving as much as he has, but I feel as though this is how my life is going to always be if I never succeed in what I want to do. I will always be stuck in these rat race jobs and unable to pay my debts. I will always feel lonely in the same room with my significant other and not feel included. I will always feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when he's got his attention on the games.
About 4 1/2 years ago, I made a mistake with a friend who I had recently reconnected with. My boyfriend had just gotten his job, and I wasn't used to not having him around and feeling like he wasn't paying attention to me. So, I made a mistake that almost costed me the relationship (no, I didn't sleep with the person), and now I think about it every day. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. And the problem is, I had feelings for both my significant other and this other person, and it bothers me. I don't know if my life will ever be the same. I haven't been happy with my life ever since, and everything is wrong with it. Not only did I taint my name, but I lost credit and his trust...and I found that everything else in my life is off balance. Nothing has gone right, and just a couple of weeks ago, my doctor put me on anti anxiety medicine, and I'm not sure it's helping. I ask myself every day if my life will ever get better. I ask myself where it all went wrong. And I ask myself if I should have taken a different path. Because nothing feels right. The chemistry in my relationship has changed, and I feel as though I deserve to be unsuccessful. Sometimes I feel like just giving up, but then what would be the point of living? Then I think about my father's last breath. I don't want to end up like him, not having done anything with his life, going from service job to service job and living paycheck to paycheck. I at least got a college degree, but it still feels like it wasn't worth it. I have to somehow make it worth the time I took to get there. But how?
I think about Death, and how soon it could come, and I think about where I am in life now...and the fact that I will be 40 in a few years. What have I been doing wrong that I have not achieved more than a Bachelor's degree in the arts? I keep wondering if I chose the wrong major. Music, my major, is not in demand, and writing, my minor, is also a very competitive field that is not guaranteed to get someone published. I'm already $40,000 in student loan debt, and I cannot go back to school for fear of ringing up more and still not knowing if I will succeed in something. School does not seem like the best option for people anymore. Why go if there is no career afterwards?
I have a boyfriend I've been with for going on 12 years now. He is successful in his career after college. It makes me envious. The difference between him and I is that he chose a career that is definitely in demand, and it pays well. All of his hard work paid off. The problem with it is that he is gone most of the time, and when he's home he's on the video games. I am irritated because he could be doing more with me when he is home, but he's so tired from work that he doesn't really want to socialize much, and he tells me he needs 2 hours of him time. The problem is, he loses track of time and is on the games for longer than that. We watch Netflix after I cook for him, but we don't do much more. And when he feels up to it, sometimes we go to dinner and a movie. That is date night. But I want to do something new, and sometimes that involves spending money if we want to have fun, otherwise there's not much to do in this town. And on the subject of video games, he really could be more active, but chooses not to. He is over weight, and I fear that being so inactive is what will take his life. He works out on occasion, but not regularly. We had a perfect schedule a few months ago, but it changed when he switched teams at his job. He has new hours now, and I don't think he will ever have a fixed schedule. When they need him, they need him. The job has always been "flex," which is okay, because he can leave when he needs to if they don't need anything from him, and he can also work from home. But he cannot talk much about his job because it is a govt. contract, and it's sensitive. There is less we can talk about nowadays, and it's dulling the relationship. I am proud of him for achieving as much as he has, but I feel as though this is how my life is going to always be if I never succeed in what I want to do. I will always be stuck in these rat race jobs and unable to pay my debts. I will always feel lonely in the same room with my significant other and not feel included. I will always feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when he's got his attention on the games.
About 4 1/2 years ago, I made a mistake with a friend who I had recently reconnected with. My boyfriend had just gotten his job, and I wasn't used to not having him around and feeling like he wasn't paying attention to me. So, I made a mistake that almost costed me the relationship (no, I didn't sleep with the person), and now I think about it every day. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. And the problem is, I had feelings for both my significant other and this other person, and it bothers me. I don't know if my life will ever be the same. I haven't been happy with my life ever since, and everything is wrong with it. Not only did I taint my name, but I lost credit and his trust...and I found that everything else in my life is off balance. Nothing has gone right, and just a couple of weeks ago, my doctor put me on anti anxiety medicine, and I'm not sure it's helping. I ask myself every day if my life will ever get better. I ask myself where it all went wrong. And I ask myself if I should have taken a different path. Because nothing feels right. The chemistry in my relationship has changed, and I feel as though I deserve to be unsuccessful. Sometimes I feel like just giving up, but then what would be the point of living? Then I think about my father's last breath. I don't want to end up like him, not having done anything with his life, going from service job to service job and living paycheck to paycheck. I at least got a college degree, but it still feels like it wasn't worth it. I have to somehow make it worth the time I took to get there. But how?
41-45, F
