Thanks for the permission. Right now I am experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety around the idea of having to be around people, particularly ones I don't know very well. I suppose you could say it's social anxiety, which feels weird for me to say because I've never considered myself to suffer from that before. I've got a fairly good sense where it came from. Before it started happening, there were a number of triggering events, basically 3 different relationships going blooey.
One person let me down pretty badly - I thought he was my friend, then I found out everything about his "care" had been fake. (this was a non-romantic relationship). All I really wanted from him was a tiny corner in his life to be his friend and he made it very clear I wasn't good enough for him. I told him he had lost my trust and friendship and that I never wanted to speak to him again. Later, I had to amend that and say that I was deeply hurt by his actions and that everything about how he was handling it suggested there would be nothing but more hurt, and that telling him I never wanted to hear from him again was the only way I could think of in the moment to stop more hurt from happening when I was already feeling overwhelmed by the pain of his false friendship.
One person got mad at me because of something I did, and when we sat down to try to talk through what happened, she was extremely disrespectful and negative in her approach, to the point it felt like no matter what I did, it was just never going to be good enough. Every word out of her mouth was full of blame, while taking no ownership at all for her part in things. I may have been somewhat to blame for some things in the initial incident, but I feel that her approach to talking about the issue was as bad as if not worse than her original complaint. You may have heard of the idea of fight or flight (or freeze) - well her approach left me feeling so overwhelmed, my flight instinct got engaged and I simply stopped attending the activity I knew her from because I had visions of me trying to tell her I felt so utterly turned off by her approach to our disagreement that I no longer felt comfortable attending the activity and her creating this huge drama and continuing to try pin all the blame on me. I don't mind taking my lumps for something I really did do, but I'm not willing to be her scapegoat when her approach is so awful.
My walking out like I did was the coward's way out, I admit, but I didn't feel obligated to subject myself to her out-of-control and even somewhat abusive negativity. I did attempt reaching out to her twice some months after the incident to try to apologize for my part in things, but all she did was block me from communicating with her. I honestly felt and do still feel sorry for her. To me, she seems to be on the path to becoming a bitter person, and that's such an awful way to live. I recently heard she was engaged for the third time, and unless her method of handling conflict changes from what she used with me, I feel confident in predicting divorce #3 here in a few years.
The last thing that happened was I lost my job. The space they had us in was pure hell, and was in my mind a factor in what happened. Due to space problems, there were 4 of us crammed into a converted server room with no cubicle walls for privacy (and the space could have held 2 more). I am a person who thrives in the quiet and that space left me feeling on edge all the time, but I knew there was no point to telling management how I felt because they would just say, "Yeah, we're working on a better solution." At the same time, an issue was brought to my attention involving a smelly bodily function I was unaware of because my nose just isn't that sensitive and there's no one at home I can ask about it. I get that in a space like ours, a stink causes unpleasantness for everyone. I felt like I could improve the problem by 70%, and I asked if that amount of improvement would be acceptable. I realize the subject is awkward and everyone's busy, but I never could get an answer to that question, leaving me feeling even more on edge and worried about what standard I was going to be measured by. When they finally announced my termination, In some ways it was a relief to be getting out of that space! But when I asked why I was being terminated, I was basically told "We don't know". That's not as bogus an answer as it might sound like on first pass because I was a contractor. The contractor takes direction from the customer and carries it out, so it's really not the contracting company's decision. I realize the boss has the authority to making hiring and firing decisions and that they have to solve all problems around getting the work done. The boss pays the bills, so they get the final say in those decisions, and that seems reasonable and right to me. I just have serious heartburn with the fact they couldn't be bothered to give me a one sentence explanation about why my position was terminated. I made multiple efforts to try to get this information, to no avail.
It does occur to me that maybe the lack of communication about the job is the universe's way of saying, "Now that you've experienced what it's like to be dropped without an explanation, how do you think the woman you just started avoiding without telling HER why you were doing that might have felt? Do you think maybe SHE would have liked a one-sentence explanation?" In which case, I suppose neither side is very easy...
I live alone - by choice. There are reasons for that that aren't important. I feel like I have not one single soul I can turn to for any kind of comfort or perspective when these things happen, and I think that can make me seem tense or on edge to others - I AM tense and on edge because I feel alone and unsupported. Most people I know are married with or without a family or are at least with a romantic partner, and I feel like the red-headed stepchild who at best is tolerated but not really wanted. Everyone seems too busy to talk and I don't know where to find a friend. I feel like I am relationally starving to death, .
I'm sorry this is such a novel. I hope at least it was reasonably well written.
