I Sometimes Can't Talk About Whats Hurting Me
Emptiness... Every day, I am feeling more and more distant with him and my reality. Last night, I walked without him with my dog. He was waaay too tired so I told him to rest. I was buried in thoughts during my stroll. Many have asked me that I needed a "strong enough reason WHY I wanted to be financially stable in my new found business venture". I usually say the same things. That I wanted to pay off my student loans and his. That I wanted to have more TIME. That I don't want to be slaves to corporate America. But those "reasons" don't feel like my reasons. They feel like something I would say to someone who would like to hear those things because it is something that they can relate to. My TRUE REASON feels more like because I want to "escape". I want us both to be more financially secure so that I won't have to worry about anything. So we can both move on. So we can part and go our separate ways.
I, of course, care about him still a great deal. I want him healthy and safe. But I'm feeling WAAAY too distant now. I feel like I have good friends but no one I can REALLY talk to about my emotions. I'm hurting sooo badly from the lack of communication. Every single day is another day on top of the several piled on already of days without communication that I desire. I've been looking at personal development stuff as well as marriage counseling, but I just don't know.
Two days ago, I made stovetop popcorn for the VERY first time. LOL I burned it the first time. The second time, I made a NEARLY perfect batch. I was sooo proud of myself while I munched away. It was delicious!!! It was roughly around 3am and he was fast asleep because of work early that morning. I had been having funky sleeping hours because it seems like the best time for me to focus is late at night. So while I was munching away at my stovetop popcorn working on business stuffs, I paused for a moment. I thought about how I always dreamed about having late night munchies staying up talking with the person I was with. He and I have done that a few times, but it was typically the same old, same old. Arguing about the same thing over and over again. Lack of communication. Through personal development as of recently, I've learned that you CANNOT change anyone. You can only work on yourself. I wish I can survive that within this relationship. Working on myself and either accepting him for how he is or moving on. I believe that I need to move on.
I feel so disconnected. Every day, I need a survival kit to get through being with him. It's agonizing and stressful. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but I'm a very vocal person who needs to TALK everyday about how I feel. It's piling up inside of me. Hurt, pressure, stress. I need and want out. Soon...
Sleep time...
I, of course, care about him still a great deal. I want him healthy and safe. But I'm feeling WAAAY too distant now. I feel like I have good friends but no one I can REALLY talk to about my emotions. I'm hurting sooo badly from the lack of communication. Every single day is another day on top of the several piled on already of days without communication that I desire. I've been looking at personal development stuff as well as marriage counseling, but I just don't know.
Two days ago, I made stovetop popcorn for the VERY first time. LOL I burned it the first time. The second time, I made a NEARLY perfect batch. I was sooo proud of myself while I munched away. It was delicious!!! It was roughly around 3am and he was fast asleep because of work early that morning. I had been having funky sleeping hours because it seems like the best time for me to focus is late at night. So while I was munching away at my stovetop popcorn working on business stuffs, I paused for a moment. I thought about how I always dreamed about having late night munchies staying up talking with the person I was with. He and I have done that a few times, but it was typically the same old, same old. Arguing about the same thing over and over again. Lack of communication. Through personal development as of recently, I've learned that you CANNOT change anyone. You can only work on yourself. I wish I can survive that within this relationship. Working on myself and either accepting him for how he is or moving on. I believe that I need to move on.
I feel so disconnected. Every day, I need a survival kit to get through being with him. It's agonizing and stressful. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but I'm a very vocal person who needs to TALK everyday about how I feel. It's piling up inside of me. Hurt, pressure, stress. I need and want out. Soon...
Sleep time...
41-45, F
