I Know Sadness

I am doing good. I have been working a lot at my summer job, have had many shifts. I'm doing well at work, the patients seem to be liking me. I managed to calm down one of the most difficult scizophrenic patients (they told me it was an exceptional feat). I made sure to acknowledged her pain, told her multiple times "the staff is here and we are taking care of you" when she was screaming nonsense and just let her express herself without interrupting. This all did the trick and made her calm and happy (used some of the concepts I learned at my group therapy). When working jobs like this you really learn to look beyond what is explicitly communicated and instead look at the underlying intent of what is beeing said as there is quite a lot of nonsense, screaming, insults and the like to go around on an average shift.
Been gaming a lot of warhammer total war (really long gaming nights) as the dwarfen faction on hard difficulty level. This game is dangerously addictive.

It's nice to hear that you are making progress. Just remember it's a long process that takes time, a lot of time.

With regards to my personal psychology I have been working a lot on these three concepts in my head (been doing it a long time): "Anxiety", "result dependence" and "being able to connect".
Im doing so well with regards to result dependence, it's still hard to let completely go of the "result" and just judge myself on my own work ethics and effort. The door of success and possibilities have expanded the more I can let go of the result. It's like when you "expect" a result, you are just setting yourself up for a dissapointment. I ended up with a B in econ math, but I got so butthurt and dissapointed since I expected an A (given the insane amount of work I had put into the subject). So my behavior the next week was irrationaly depressive and self-defeating even when a B is a super good grade.
In terms of anxiety I have had very little, again it's letting go of the result and believing in myself. I remembered I had so much anxiety when I was 21 and worked as a clerk during a summer job. My coworkers felt I was retarded since every time I had to do something "new" I got filled up with insane amounts of anxiety. Which stiffled my ability to think, act and perform even the simplest tasks. I always had to rely or ask for help, which I believe was because I did not truly believe in my own abilities (stupid assumption which just dragged me down). The tasks in themselves was easy, It was just all the anxiety making them hard. It's only when I "truly believe" in myself that I start "doing something constructive". It's so true what they say in combat sports, "the athlete who stops believing in himself is finnished".
With regards to connecting with people, I have been doing a lot of progress. I think it's three parts which stiffles the ability to connect properly. It's first the dysfunctional feeling that I can't express myself honestly (have been working a lot with this in my therapy group and saying my HONEST opinion online - which has been very good and helpfull.) the second is that I feel I might get entangled in some relationship I can't get out from (rural childhood, previously codependent relationships and poor boundary skills has probably added to this). The third is the belief in the "village troll" who talks trash about me behind my back, monitors all my actions and constantly focuses on, records and judge all my actions for an eternity. (it just helps me so much when I just say to myself that "nobody really gives a shit"). I have been using more eye contact which has helped me a lot and made me better at connecting with the people at work. A relaxed, slightly happy attitude and eye contact has given me some smiles from random people on the streets - old ladies, old men and even some cute girls in their 20's.

I feel like im on the verge of some breaktrough. Like a buddhist monk who is just an arms lenght of meditation away from reaching some higher plateau of enlightenment. An engineer almost figuring out a really hard equation. A scientist on the verge of splitting the atom. That's how I feel. If I could just get a good interaction going with people who smile at me in like a convenient store or the streets, it would be like the cold fusion equivalent of meeting new chicks.

It's always hard with parents. I did not really talk with my mom for years after I first moved out. Had a hard time in high school and the relationship with my mom. I did get a better relationship with my parents after several years when both parties just "learned" to express ourselves honestly. Them to me, and me to them, like there are no "festering toughts or issues". We just say what we feel, it's all ok and we move on (it's very functional). I have even told my mom I hated growing up were we lived, it's sad to say that to your parents... but it's necessary. If they feel like I am overweight, changing jobs to often, or obsessing to much about some exam result. They tell me, it's all ok and we move on quickly. My brother has the opposite interactional style (his relationship with my parents is awfull).

What was so bad about your past that you feel the need to disconnect from it? With regards to the theory that you are punnishing yourself, do you have any unsolved guilt issues perhaps? (perhaps you bullied someone, did not achieve your parents expectations or did not intervene when something bad happened to someone else)