I Need A Place Away From Everything
Okay, so I'm in a really emotionally messy place right now. I have been for a few days. EP needs to have a "messy" mood option. Honestly, half the time the list doesn't include an option for how I'm feeling at a given time, or the ones that do apply are so ridiculously incomplete that I'd almost rather choose "Hunky-dory" than the ones that are actually on the list. I'm just going to put "happy" because the ridiculousness of it makes me laugh, though that might have more to do with it being 2:30 in the morning than anything else. I figured out about 5 minutes ago that I'm not going to fall asleep right now, so I figured I'd post this on EP. Why the hell not, right? Heh - I'm not good at being vulnerable. Vulnerable time for me is generally hide in a corner time. And this one's especially hard, because it's always easier for me to talk about stuff that I've already gotten a handle on, which this one definitely isn't.
Anyway - a few days ago I started trying to do something that I've tried to do a few times before - I'm trying to forgive my dad. I'm also trying to forgive myself. He laid his crap on my shoulders so much, and for so long, that I can't really do one without doing the other. People who've never really, truly hated someone can't understand how deeply that hate can cost you. I'm tired of hating. I'm just tired of it. He hasn't been in my life for a long time. What he did to me doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I don't deserve to feel this hate.
So for a few days now, I've started up my old forgiveness affirmation: "I forgive my mom, I forgive my dad, and I forgive myself" - usually before I get up in the morning and after I lay down at night, though I hit myself with it during the day when it feels right. The part about my mom is just for completeness sake - I got over my hate for her about 5 years ago. Affirmations can be hit or miss for me - but this one has always had a quick and profound effect on me. There have been a couple of times already that my thoughts have just wandered to thinking for long periods of time about parts of what I went through and what my dad went through before me, when he was a kid, that have brought tears to my eyes. Which isn't a really common thing for me.
Something inside of me recognizes that I'm trying to let go of this ugly thing that's dominated so much of my destiny for almost my entire life. It recognizes what I'm doing - and it makes it afraid. The part of me that wants me to fail, that tears me down whenever it can, that wants to keep doing the same stupid things again and again because even though it brings me nothing but misery, it's familiar - and god forbid I do something crazy like actually trying to build myself up, instead of just tearing myself down.
That part of me wants me to fail. It always has, and it's always been huge and powerful in me. It wants me to give up and just keep hating. It wants to win, like it has before. But I think that maybe, just maybe, the rest of me is finally strong enough to let go. To actively seek my own happiness instead of actively seeking to destroy it. I don't even know who I'll be without the hate - but I think that maybe I'm finally ready to find out.
Anyway - a few days ago I started trying to do something that I've tried to do a few times before - I'm trying to forgive my dad. I'm also trying to forgive myself. He laid his crap on my shoulders so much, and for so long, that I can't really do one without doing the other. People who've never really, truly hated someone can't understand how deeply that hate can cost you. I'm tired of hating. I'm just tired of it. He hasn't been in my life for a long time. What he did to me doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I don't deserve to feel this hate.
So for a few days now, I've started up my old forgiveness affirmation: "I forgive my mom, I forgive my dad, and I forgive myself" - usually before I get up in the morning and after I lay down at night, though I hit myself with it during the day when it feels right. The part about my mom is just for completeness sake - I got over my hate for her about 5 years ago. Affirmations can be hit or miss for me - but this one has always had a quick and profound effect on me. There have been a couple of times already that my thoughts have just wandered to thinking for long periods of time about parts of what I went through and what my dad went through before me, when he was a kid, that have brought tears to my eyes. Which isn't a really common thing for me.
Something inside of me recognizes that I'm trying to let go of this ugly thing that's dominated so much of my destiny for almost my entire life. It recognizes what I'm doing - and it makes it afraid. The part of me that wants me to fail, that tears me down whenever it can, that wants to keep doing the same stupid things again and again because even though it brings me nothing but misery, it's familiar - and god forbid I do something crazy like actually trying to build myself up, instead of just tearing myself down.
That part of me wants me to fail. It always has, and it's always been huge and powerful in me. It wants me to give up and just keep hating. It wants to win, like it has before. But I think that maybe, just maybe, the rest of me is finally strong enough to let go. To actively seek my own happiness instead of actively seeking to destroy it. I don't even know who I'll be without the hate - but I think that maybe I'm finally ready to find out.
36-40, M
