I Feel Like I Don't Live Up to Expectations
I'm not sure why I feel that way. I mean, I have my ups and downs, successes and failures. I'm only human, after all. But it is a feeling I simply can't escape. I chose to strive towards being a positive force in peoples lives, and yet I still see those very lives fall apart before my eyes. And I'm not good enough to make a meaningful difference.
I make a difference, have no doubt in that. But it is not enough.
I need to do better.
I have to do better.
I just... don't know how.
I have felt at my limits so many times now. And I can't... I don't know how to do better.
And everybody I talk to keeps on telling me that I'm doing enough already, that I can't do everything... They don't expect me to change anything. In their minds, I am but a face in the crowd that somehow took interest in them. That at some point, sooner or later, I would look away. That I would leave them to fend for themselves.
I can't do that. I don't care that they have zero expectations for me to live up to - I have my own expectations. I have my own dreams, my own desires. I what I desire is to be that change, to be that force to drive away the dark clouds that have enveloped their lives for so long.
I want to give them reasons in their hearts to keep smiling, forever.
In the end, I'm little more than human. Maybe less. Just a face in the crowd, soon to be forgotten. I'm not strong enough, smart enough... I'm just not enough. I am letting these people down. In my eyes, not theirs... I am a failure.
And do you know what really hurts? On some level, they know how this affects me too. So they try to hide their troubles away. And in doing so, they take away something that matters to me. They put distance between us. And in doing so, they slowly but surely push me out of their lives.
I make a difference, have no doubt in that. But it is not enough.
I need to do better.
I have to do better.
I just... don't know how.
I have felt at my limits so many times now. And I can't... I don't know how to do better.
And everybody I talk to keeps on telling me that I'm doing enough already, that I can't do everything... They don't expect me to change anything. In their minds, I am but a face in the crowd that somehow took interest in them. That at some point, sooner or later, I would look away. That I would leave them to fend for themselves.
I can't do that. I don't care that they have zero expectations for me to live up to - I have my own expectations. I have my own dreams, my own desires. I what I desire is to be that change, to be that force to drive away the dark clouds that have enveloped their lives for so long.
I want to give them reasons in their hearts to keep smiling, forever.
In the end, I'm little more than human. Maybe less. Just a face in the crowd, soon to be forgotten. I'm not strong enough, smart enough... I'm just not enough. I am letting these people down. In my eyes, not theirs... I am a failure.
And do you know what really hurts? On some level, they know how this affects me too. So they try to hide their troubles away. And in doing so, they take away something that matters to me. They put distance between us. And in doing so, they slowly but surely push me out of their lives.
36-40, M
