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I Am Not Well

I am not well. A switch flips in my head and I become a monster. I literally watch myself say these things and do these things that are not me. For months. And then one day the switch flips back and I'm awake again to sit in this mess I've made of everything and everyone around me. I destroyed someone. I didn't want to. I didn't mean to. I told her to leave. I told her I couldn't be what she needed. But she stayed. And the switch flipped. And now she is a different person. And I hate myself for it.

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WildHeart · 41-45, F

Then maybe you need to disarm the switch altogether.

Rebel1down · 36-40, M

@WiseGirl: How?

WildHeart · 41-45, F

@Rebel1down: That answer lies within you.

Rebel1down · 36-40, M

@WiseGirl: I'm not always the best decision maker.

WildHeart · 41-45, F

@Rebel1down: It seems to me like you are confused? Either that or you enjoy the back and forth (referring to the 'swith') then when you receive the unexpected response from her (now referring to her 'change') you regret.

Rebel1down · 36-40, M

@WiseGirl: Her response wouldn't have changed anything. I hate what I did to her not because of any feelings I had for her, I don't have any, but because of her. She used to be happy. Her smile was beautiful. She liked herself. And I took that from her.

WildHeart · 41-45, F

@Rebel1down: Do you at least care for her?

Rebel1down · 36-40, M

@WiseGirl: Yes. I wouldn't feel bad if I didn't.

WildHeart · 41-45, F

@Rebel1down: Then go talk to her and maybe she can help you with this situation you keep finding yourself in. If that's not an option then let her be, in time she will be okay.

Rebel1down · 36-40, M

@WiseGirl: I am trying to let her be. She keeps trying to get close. All I can do is continue to not show affection. We have a child together so complete avoidance is impossible.

WildHeart · 41-45, F

@Rebel1down: Okay! Now that changes the whole situation.