I Am a Bpd-relationship Survivor

My wife and I have gone around and around for years. This year we were married 15 years, and it seemed there was some great tragedy almost every single one of them. And while I fell in love with her because she was energetic, smart, beautiful, and passionate, over the years, the things about that passion have become things that she gets angrier and angrier about. She was never very affectionate - which I wasn't crazy about but I learned to be okay with - but over time she would get so angry and lash out, and wouldn't stop until I either zoned out or shut down emotionally, but usually I had to concede defeat at least a dozen times before she stopped verbally lashing out at me. As our kids have gotten older, she will do this to them too, until I step in and come to their defense, and tell her to calm down. It's usually over stupid things. This suddenly shifts her anger to me for "not being on the same page" with her, and that's fine with me - I'd rather take it than have the kids take it.

I have sometimes said things I regret but only after being pushed into every corner imaginable and having no way to express my own feelings. She goes off on tirade after tirade and becomes colder and colder. I have felt more alone in my life even though this introvert (me) has NEVER gotten to spend more than an hour by myself. I regret that a year ago, I made the mistake of befriending a woman and while I never met her and I have never had an affair on my wife, I did get emotionally over my head with a woman, and it nearly destroyed anything left of our marriage.

We began to go to counseling, and after a while, our therapist began to suspect that she had a high-functioning Borderline Personality Disorder which caused her VAST mood swings. She was FURIOUS at the suggestion and refused to get tested, and "HOW DARE THEY NOT BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING WRONG IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?!"

I am learning to live with this because my kids need someone in their corner and because I keep hoping and praying she will come to accept this as a possibility for her anger.

But it's really hard and I'm feeling REALLY alone and scared that I will never have a partner who genuinely loves me and wants me. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to.