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I Am a Bpd-relationship Survivor

My wife and I have gone around and around for years. This year we were married 15 years, and it seemed there was some great tragedy almost every single one of them. And while I fell in love with her because she was energetic, smart, beautiful, and passionate, over the years, the things about that passion have become things that she gets angrier and angrier about. She was never very affectionate - which I wasn't crazy about but I learned to be okay with - but over time she would get so angry and lash out, and wouldn't stop until I either zoned out or shut down emotionally, but usually I had to concede defeat at least a dozen times before she stopped verbally lashing out at me. As our kids have gotten older, she will do this to them too, until I step in and come to their defense, and tell her to calm down. It's usually over stupid things. This suddenly shifts her anger to me for "not being on the same page" with her, and that's fine with me - I'd rather take it than have the kids take it.

I have sometimes said things I regret but only after being pushed into every corner imaginable and having no way to express my own feelings. She goes off on tirade after tirade and becomes colder and colder. I have felt more alone in my life even though this introvert (me) has NEVER gotten to spend more than an hour by myself. I regret that a year ago, I made the mistake of befriending a woman and while I never met her and I have never had an affair on my wife, I did get emotionally over my head with a woman, and it nearly destroyed anything left of our marriage.

We began to go to counseling, and after a while, our therapist began to suspect that she had a high-functioning Borderline Personality Disorder which caused her VAST mood swings. She was FURIOUS at the suggestion and refused to get tested, and "HOW DARE THEY NOT BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING WRONG IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?!"

I am learning to live with this because my kids need someone in their corner and because I keep hoping and praying she will come to accept this as a possibility for her anger.

But it's really hard and I'm feeling REALLY alone and scared that I will never have a partner who genuinely loves me and wants me. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to.

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Autumnlover · F

Parents sometimes try to stay together for the kids, but the damage is worse than if they divorced. I was raised by a father with a severe personality disorder, and the effects are LONG term! Now that you have the opinion of a professional regarding your wife's mental/emotional health, you have a good chance of being granted full guardianship of your kids. At the very least, force yourself to stand up to your wife. Your kids need to know that cowering to an emotionally unstable person is not something that they ever need to do. Good luck.

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@Autumnlover I know what you're saying. And I get it. But we have learned that it's patterns. She is often a great mother. And she has been supporting wife many times throughout our marriage. But the Moments of Tyranny make it easy to forget all that. And they come for about 1-2 weeks out of the month. I used to think it was PMS/PMDD - but she no longer has that issue (medical reasons that I won't get into here). Bottom line is, I want my kids to know their mother and have a relationship with her, but I can also see the writing on the wall that it's not going to be easy for them to have that as they get older and feel more free to "disagree" with her.

HeavenBesideYou · 56-60, F

The thing is, your kids are seeing this as how relationships are supposed to be. At least talk to them (now if they're old enough to understand) so they know that it's not. Otherwise they will probably wind up in similarly abusive situations themselves one day. Big hugs.

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HeavenBesideYou · 56-60, F

@pilgrim98 Old enough I think. Please make sure they know this is not how it's supposed to be. "Rough day" really doesn't cover abusive behavior and even though you tell them it's not their fault chances are they feel differently. Being straight with them, especially the oldest, will help them to identify this as wrong in their own relationships.

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@HeavenBesideYou Thanks. I have tried to do this well. I really hope I can show them.

HeavenBesideYou · 56-60, F

I hope so too. It's a vicious cycle. @pilgrim98

metalicblack · 46-50, M

Dude, you took the words that I have a hard time saying rite out of my mouth.

All but the counseling part is almost rite in line even the friendship with another woman. I to pretty much have to live with the fact that she blames me for everything that is wrong with life and deal with it for the kids and the worst part for me is that I know I still love and dinner want to go anywhere else

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metalicblack · 46-50, M

@pilgrim98 I know you have to walk on egg shells no mater what you do. Even right now being on this site i am doing something wrong. I went through hell when she found out that i was on EP a few years back and then she found out i was talking to other people not alone another woman. But the part that kills me is that she can talk to god knows who all day on FB including ex's about god knows what.

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@metalicblack But you were the one who had no boundaries, right? :) I know. I feel like no matter what I do or say I will get the third degree.

metalicblack · 46-50, M

@pilgrim98 I know it gets crazy sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get out of your own head once and awhile and just talk to someone it doesn't matter who. I just hope one day we can figure this out and grow from it I am sticking beside her even though it is at distance rite now I too want her to get things worked out some how and just be a little bit more her self

SW-User

What did you find in that female "friend" ?

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SW-User

@pilgrim98 I see. ...just "a break"

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@SW-User Yeah. Sigh.. I really regret so much in that because in the end I had to do whatever I could to make my marriage work. And I lost a wonderful friend in the process. That hurts to think about.

SW-User

Just common. ...we cant have a foot on two boats at the same time. ..

black4white · 56-60, M

so if she has this disorder you have never mentioned that she didnt love you maybe she does just that this is her only way of expressing. So you may want to ask her when she is "REALLY" angry one of these times..."Babe..does this amount of anger equal what the issue is?" And see how she replies...

Good luck

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@black4white I think she does love me. As hard as it can be to believe sometimes. So far as I know she has never cheated on me. And she can be charming. And I have asked questions like the one you've asked. Usually trying to get to "What is this really about?" It varies but usually if I ask it during a heated moment the response is NOT good.

black4white · 56-60, M

@pilgrim98 then wait til the moment is over and just try to show her that she might be putting in a bit more effort than is needed in some situation. Just know that you have to do this in a constructive manner...like saying.. ya know.. i can scream at the kids with the best of them but i have found out that they literally shut down when they see me SO angry..so i am trying to just talk to them calmly and see if that works. OF COURSE not in all situation but in the smaller ones at hand.

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@black4white I wholeheartedly agree with this!

Pherick · 41-45, M

You are a better man than I sir, I couldn't be around her in that kind of environment.

pilgrim98 · 41-45, M

@Pherick We human beings can withstand a lot. And in its weird way love (even when it's mature love and not the 'in-love' feeling) can make us withstand more than we knew we could. I'm not giving up hope yet.

Rootstoblossom · 46-50, F

I can relate to some of this. No easy solutions trying to do what's best for everyone.

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