I Am Haunted By My Past
Not an a tragic way. I never experienced anything violent, I was never bullied, I had good, supportive parents etc. But I feel somehow stuck in the past... I'm 54 but I feel as if I haven't been able to start living my life yet...
When I was 17 (1982) I moved countries due to my dad's work and lost touch with all my childhood friends (no internet back then, and even snail-mail wasn't reliable in those parts). Perhaps the only way I found to cope with the loss was thinking it was something "temporary", and "soon", I'd be back and re-join my friends again... A broken relationship with my 1st gf was left behind too. There was never closure, and many questions were left unanswered.
I never really adapted to the new country. I went from a small town to a big city and never really made friends there. The family finances (and the new country's finances) went downhill and it became impossible and unrealistic to travel back and visiting my old friends... Years went by. Life went on but somehow something inside me seems to have become frozen in 1982. I cannot think of myself as an "adult" now. "Adult" for me is someone who has his shit together, a steady income, a home, a wife and "a family". I have none of that. Well I have technically a "home" but it's a shitty 1-bedroom apartment I'm ashamed to bring any visitor in...
I went to college, married, had (have) a daughter, divorced, had a steady 8 to 5 job until a few years ago and I'm currently self-employed... I've always been able to pay my bills but that's about it... I'm still waiting for the opportunity to "live", or rather, to "enjoy life", but it seems like I'm constantly chasing the end of the rainbow...
So, my past haunts me. What could I have done differently?
The worst part is being around teenagers. I feel "in my element", that I'm with "people like me". But of course that's not the case, I'm a 54-year old man who should have his shit together but doesn't.
One or two years ago, thanks to the wonders of the internet, I was able to get in touch with both my 1st gf and my best friend from my teenage days. I had closure with my ex-gf, that was nice. Turns out it wasn't my fault. I got that out of the way. I also had a couple of long chats with my best friend from those days... He had married twice, had 3 grandchildren and was now a lawyer. I realized it was a mistake to get back in touch, though... Because what I really wanted to get in touch was not with these people as old as me. What I wanted to get in touch with was the year 1982, when the future was a blank canvas, when everything was possible, when happiness seemed so within reach... And I had so many crushes! All these potential girlfriends and wives I never managed to get attention from... All the possible futures I had ahead of me.
Of course there's no point dwelling on the past, but I can't help it. I feel that, at 54, my life has been unlived. I've been always striving for a "better future" but never got there.
I know nobody reads these long posts but, heck, is nice venting and imagining anyone cares.
When I was 17 (1982) I moved countries due to my dad's work and lost touch with all my childhood friends (no internet back then, and even snail-mail wasn't reliable in those parts). Perhaps the only way I found to cope with the loss was thinking it was something "temporary", and "soon", I'd be back and re-join my friends again... A broken relationship with my 1st gf was left behind too. There was never closure, and many questions were left unanswered.
I never really adapted to the new country. I went from a small town to a big city and never really made friends there. The family finances (and the new country's finances) went downhill and it became impossible and unrealistic to travel back and visiting my old friends... Years went by. Life went on but somehow something inside me seems to have become frozen in 1982. I cannot think of myself as an "adult" now. "Adult" for me is someone who has his shit together, a steady income, a home, a wife and "a family". I have none of that. Well I have technically a "home" but it's a shitty 1-bedroom apartment I'm ashamed to bring any visitor in...
I went to college, married, had (have) a daughter, divorced, had a steady 8 to 5 job until a few years ago and I'm currently self-employed... I've always been able to pay my bills but that's about it... I'm still waiting for the opportunity to "live", or rather, to "enjoy life", but it seems like I'm constantly chasing the end of the rainbow...
So, my past haunts me. What could I have done differently?
The worst part is being around teenagers. I feel "in my element", that I'm with "people like me". But of course that's not the case, I'm a 54-year old man who should have his shit together but doesn't.
One or two years ago, thanks to the wonders of the internet, I was able to get in touch with both my 1st gf and my best friend from my teenage days. I had closure with my ex-gf, that was nice. Turns out it wasn't my fault. I got that out of the way. I also had a couple of long chats with my best friend from those days... He had married twice, had 3 grandchildren and was now a lawyer. I realized it was a mistake to get back in touch, though... Because what I really wanted to get in touch was not with these people as old as me. What I wanted to get in touch with was the year 1982, when the future was a blank canvas, when everything was possible, when happiness seemed so within reach... And I had so many crushes! All these potential girlfriends and wives I never managed to get attention from... All the possible futures I had ahead of me.
Of course there's no point dwelling on the past, but I can't help it. I feel that, at 54, my life has been unlived. I've been always striving for a "better future" but never got there.
I know nobody reads these long posts but, heck, is nice venting and imagining anyone cares.
