I Feel Empty
So. X texts me for the second time since June. She asks me the same question: "Hey ______ how's everything going? I hope everything is going well but I have something I need to ask you." The first time, in June when she asked me this, my mind instantly went to the pics... the pics I sent her boyfriend maybe two or three weeks ago that summer. My face gets hot and my stomach numb. I'm hoping that I'm dreaming, a nightmare. But no. This is a harsh reality on the bright screen of my cellphone that I will not escape no matter how far I run. Play it cool, ____, play it cool.
" Ask away, watsup?" I pause the TV, mute the stereo and stop my heart, waiting; patiently staring at the stupid Metro PCS phone. I think back on that night. Why did I do it? I don't even like him. I should have stayed away... I should have stayed away....
She never responded to my cool response. The feelings remained with me for days, weeks, months before I could look at myself in the mirror again. I asked God for forgiveness and prayed that this girl would stop sending obscure me messages.
Tonight, I receive the same text.. "Can I ask you something?" After cussing her out in my head, lying to myself about how I've forgiven myself for what I've done, after promising that I would just ignore it for at least 30 minutes.
I finally pick up the phone at 12AM; because I can't seem to focus on this stupid Anime on my Macbook or Lost on the TV screen. I pick up the phone and I reply "What do you need to ask me?" At that point, I didn't even care about getting caught. I just wanted her to go away.
An hour later, she tells me that W, my summertime fling, won't leave her alone despite her being in a relationship with his cousin. She says she has feelings for him too, but choose the douche because he had more confidence.
All of the fury, all of the motivation to keep this lie going instantly drained out of me. I am empty. There I stood, at 1AM in the morning, terrified that this pile of trash's girlfriend was about to confront me over the dumbest mistake I've ever made.
Instead, with the very little sexuality I have owned, I find out that despite what he told me he felt, despite my rejecting him like I did his cousin, he was all but the same, flushing down the toilet any sense of pride I had in myself.
I am disgusted that I can only think about how these two guys who both had fancied me at some point, who now fancy her, and in theory, value her more than they had ever valued me considering how hard they are fighting to have her right now. But what makes her so special? Why do I care so much?
Why is she texting ME about it? I told her an hour ago that he was just a fling. Her TALKING is only upsetting me more.
" Ask away, watsup?" I pause the TV, mute the stereo and stop my heart, waiting; patiently staring at the stupid Metro PCS phone. I think back on that night. Why did I do it? I don't even like him. I should have stayed away... I should have stayed away....
She never responded to my cool response. The feelings remained with me for days, weeks, months before I could look at myself in the mirror again. I asked God for forgiveness and prayed that this girl would stop sending obscure me messages.
Tonight, I receive the same text.. "Can I ask you something?" After cussing her out in my head, lying to myself about how I've forgiven myself for what I've done, after promising that I would just ignore it for at least 30 minutes.
I finally pick up the phone at 12AM; because I can't seem to focus on this stupid Anime on my Macbook or Lost on the TV screen. I pick up the phone and I reply "What do you need to ask me?" At that point, I didn't even care about getting caught. I just wanted her to go away.
An hour later, she tells me that W, my summertime fling, won't leave her alone despite her being in a relationship with his cousin. She says she has feelings for him too, but choose the douche because he had more confidence.
All of the fury, all of the motivation to keep this lie going instantly drained out of me. I am empty. There I stood, at 1AM in the morning, terrified that this pile of trash's girlfriend was about to confront me over the dumbest mistake I've ever made.
Instead, with the very little sexuality I have owned, I find out that despite what he told me he felt, despite my rejecting him like I did his cousin, he was all but the same, flushing down the toilet any sense of pride I had in myself.
I am disgusted that I can only think about how these two guys who both had fancied me at some point, who now fancy her, and in theory, value her more than they had ever valued me considering how hard they are fighting to have her right now. But what makes her so special? Why do I care so much?
Why is she texting ME about it? I told her an hour ago that he was just a fling. Her TALKING is only upsetting me more.
26-30, M