I Feel Lost
I just had my piano exam. As prepared, I did not do well, and in fact did very badly. I made mistakes and paused a lot of time and played again, and again. There were scales, 6th apart, chromatic in a minor third that I did not know how to play, and for aural, I should get 0 marks because I could not sing the notes from the score, could not identify the chords, could not identify the period if the music...I think I m definitely going to fail.
I m prepared to fail and give up learning piano, for a long time. I donno what I m doing. While other ppl are busy working hard on career and money or looking after their children, I have the luxury to learn the piano, something that gives me nothing materially good. This kind of lost feeling is a major obstacle that hinders me in the learning process, even though this was what I wanted to do when I was young seeing other kids got the chance to learn and play the musical instrument. I thought that after I graduated and could earn money and choose to do what I like to do and accomplish my dreams and maintain a work life balance that apart from work i would manage to have some hobbies that would make me happy. Instead, now I often feel practising piano takes away my time to do something constructive.
I m so worried that I would end up being old and poor here one day, seeing news that elderly couples at old age and very sick that they can't look after themselves and each other, killing their wife/husband and then committing suicide themselves or reporting themselves to the police that they have killed someone; some elderly people here live in illegal shelters on the roof of some old buildings, without lift, making it hard for them to go out to sometimes seek for help; there are also many elderly here who scavenge cardboard for a living.
In a place like this, how can someone feel safe to squander his time?
Sometimes, I think about a former teacher of mine in Europe, taking PhD courses at retirement age. He tried to do PhD at his 30s but did not continue. I couldn't understand at that time why he couldn't do it because he s so good at what he does.
Apart from the system of a place which affects the action of the people there, I wonder, if age is a more defining factor for our actions. Maybe at this age, it s easy and normal to feel lost because of comparisons and distractions.
I want to know what I want to do, like to do and what I am good at.
I m prepared to fail and give up learning piano, for a long time. I donno what I m doing. While other ppl are busy working hard on career and money or looking after their children, I have the luxury to learn the piano, something that gives me nothing materially good. This kind of lost feeling is a major obstacle that hinders me in the learning process, even though this was what I wanted to do when I was young seeing other kids got the chance to learn and play the musical instrument. I thought that after I graduated and could earn money and choose to do what I like to do and accomplish my dreams and maintain a work life balance that apart from work i would manage to have some hobbies that would make me happy. Instead, now I often feel practising piano takes away my time to do something constructive.
I m so worried that I would end up being old and poor here one day, seeing news that elderly couples at old age and very sick that they can't look after themselves and each other, killing their wife/husband and then committing suicide themselves or reporting themselves to the police that they have killed someone; some elderly people here live in illegal shelters on the roof of some old buildings, without lift, making it hard for them to go out to sometimes seek for help; there are also many elderly here who scavenge cardboard for a living.
In a place like this, how can someone feel safe to squander his time?
Sometimes, I think about a former teacher of mine in Europe, taking PhD courses at retirement age. He tried to do PhD at his 30s but did not continue. I couldn't understand at that time why he couldn't do it because he s so good at what he does.
Apart from the system of a place which affects the action of the people there, I wonder, if age is a more defining factor for our actions. Maybe at this age, it s easy and normal to feel lost because of comparisons and distractions.
I want to know what I want to do, like to do and what I am good at.
