I Shut People Out When They Hurt Me
Even you.
I shut people out when they hurt me. It is how I manage to keep my head above water despite the chaos left in our wake.
First was my mother. I shut her out at quite a young age to shield myself against the inevitable pain of knowing her. I was surprised at how easy it was to just turn it all off... To turn my back upon the love of a child for their mother. But it was done. She was outside the wall. And compared to my own mother, shutting the rest out was a breeze.
But then you came along. And in the heart of our paradise, you expressed your fear that I would do the same to you. As I have done to so many before - and now, so many after. And I promised you that I never would. But the only promise I can truly make you is that my promise is a lie. But I meant it when I said it though. Back then I couldn't conceive of a reason why you would possibly hurt me. I was convinced you never would. But you did. You hurt me more than any other person on this earth has, yet I didn't shut you out.
I tried and tried, but still you were in my very soul. I couldn't shut you out, even though keeping you in my life was destroying me. So I ran instead. The distance plus time resulted in me finally being able to do it. Finally being able to shut you out too. Yet I am reluctant to do it. I've never felt this way about anybody before or after; and if I do it - these feelings will be gone. There'll be nothing left. Once you're outside the wall there is no turning back. But I have to do it. It is in my best interest to shut you out... To stop feeling for you. Three times I have given up my life for you. It cannot happen again. It will not happen again. I need to shut you out to save myself.
It's just what I do. I shut people out when they hurt me. Even when I don't want to. Even you.
I shut people out when they hurt me. It is how I manage to keep my head above water despite the chaos left in our wake.
First was my mother. I shut her out at quite a young age to shield myself against the inevitable pain of knowing her. I was surprised at how easy it was to just turn it all off... To turn my back upon the love of a child for their mother. But it was done. She was outside the wall. And compared to my own mother, shutting the rest out was a breeze.
But then you came along. And in the heart of our paradise, you expressed your fear that I would do the same to you. As I have done to so many before - and now, so many after. And I promised you that I never would. But the only promise I can truly make you is that my promise is a lie. But I meant it when I said it though. Back then I couldn't conceive of a reason why you would possibly hurt me. I was convinced you never would. But you did. You hurt me more than any other person on this earth has, yet I didn't shut you out.
I tried and tried, but still you were in my very soul. I couldn't shut you out, even though keeping you in my life was destroying me. So I ran instead. The distance plus time resulted in me finally being able to do it. Finally being able to shut you out too. Yet I am reluctant to do it. I've never felt this way about anybody before or after; and if I do it - these feelings will be gone. There'll be nothing left. Once you're outside the wall there is no turning back. But I have to do it. It is in my best interest to shut you out... To stop feeling for you. Three times I have given up my life for you. It cannot happen again. It will not happen again. I need to shut you out to save myself.
It's just what I do. I shut people out when they hurt me. Even when I don't want to. Even you.
