I Have a Cat [Cats]

I don't have a cat right now but I have had a cat in the past and perhaps would not mind getting another one in the future.

Now that I have the niceties out of the way...

Every time I have a realization about my behavior and realize that I need to make changes, I get all excited but I don't know that I am really moving towards making those changes. I mean, I know that I am, I have the tools and I keep going back to them and trying to implement them in my life, only to find that I have been using them all along because they are ingrained in who I am today.

I am trying to figure out a more productive way of handling my bf, he is insecure, has a low self esteem, is codependent and has abandonment issues. I see him for who he is and I accept him with all of his baggage, and I even understand that a lot of his behaviors are defense mechanism that have worked for him in the past.

I find myself, instead of knowing that his behavior has nothing to do with me, taking his behavior as an assault on my personal being. I know he is dealing with his own demons. I know I need to constantly remind myself that his behavior is on him and I can take no responsibility for his thoughts, feelings and actions. But I need more coping mechanisms, I find that reminding myself of that is not very effective and I keep finding myself getting angry.

So now I am in search of more effective ways to deal with my current situation. This is the first time that I have thought about leaving him. I love him and I want to stay. I know anyone and everyone is capable of change, one just has to want to, need to do it. I know I cannot wait around and hope he will change and i know that I will eventually get my fill and move on.

It really hurts to say that, I really love this guy. I know I have to love and respect myself foremost in my life and that will affect any decisions I will chose to make about my future.

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xixgun · M

Ditch the boyfriend and get the cat

mljenkins · 51-55, F

@xixgun cats are so great!

xixgun · M

@mljenkins I guarantee a cat would not be giving you the grief the boyfriend is now.

mljenkins · 51-55, F

I know...

Mamapolo2016 · F

It’s sad but true that codependency often drives away the “co” part of the equation.

It’s lose-lose. He gets to behave the way that works for him, and when you finally leave, he gets to say, “See? I knew you’d abandon me.”

mljenkins · 51-55, F

@Mamapolo2016 I see, I try to hold him accountable for his actions, he loves to put a spin on it and make it out to be some kind of response to something I have said or done. Ultimately his choice on how to respond is on him. He knows that in this relationship with me, it just is not working.

I hate it that he tries to act like every other relationship he has ever been in was so great and after they broke up, his exes were always so upset and always wanted him back because he was such a "great guy." I am not seeing it, I see him with all his character flaws and wonder how messed up these other women were to think he was so great.

I also hate it that he is always trying to drag everyone into our life. He is always like, "you can ask anybody and they will tell you," i repeatedly tell him that it is not important to me what everyone else thinks about our relationship because what matters to me is what he thinks and how he feels and he still talks about what anyone else would think.

I come here to vent because talking to him is sometimes futile. He says he knows he has to change. I consistently ask him how his behavior is working for him in our relationship. And he admits that it doesn't work and that he needs to change his thinking.

He compares our relationship to that of teenagers in the way that we get along. And perhaps he has always gotten involved with women that were way more tolerant of his behavior. Then he gets involved with me who is somewhat healthier in my thinking and finds that i am less than tolerant of these negative behaviors. Yes when i feel that something just isn't right i may not be able to initially see what's going on but amazingly my mind seeks out to find a way to let me know. Then I resort to old ways that ha e worked in the past to get through what is going on currently. The tools I have still work.

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