I'm Feeling Empty
I became intently observationally interested in 2 people at the gym tonight who came in together, shared a locker together, checked-in with each other during their workouts, left together, and got into the same car together. The fact that I know all this both disturbs and disgusts me, but truth be told, I was practically unable to stop myself from becoming jealous at the level of interaction they had (and presumably have) that seems impossible for me to (ever) achieve.
Although I have seen these two people at the gym before (all 3 of us seem to be there daily at about the same time), I don't really know them, yet the feeling that somehow I am on the outside looking in fuels a level of frustration that burns inside of me. I don't really understand what causes this feeling, although I have some developing suspicions. The thing is, it's genuinely not a productive feeling to have because it only seems to drive a deep sense of hopelessness inside of me and it offers no practical outcome since one of the people in that relationship actually seems to despise me (we had a confrontation about a year ago).
I am embarrassed to admit that I am feeling this way. In fact, I vowed I would not write about it because I don't want to memorialize it. Yet, I have been learning that repressing things has not been serving me well. And, so here is my attempt to expose the raw feeling that is holding me hostage the way demons always do when they come inside of me to hide.
