I Dont Hate My Dad But I Cant Forgive Him

My dad died recently. But I didn’t cry or feel putty for him. He was a drug addict and that was the death of him. But that wasn’t why I don’t like him. He wasn’t there for me. It’s not that he walked out on us, it was the opposite. I was around 7 when he first got big on drugs, soon after my mom took me and my sister and moved out of the CPT and to San Francisco. But what pisses me off about him is that in the note he left me after he died saying that he wishes he was there for me and tried to find me. He had 7 years to try and find me it wasn’t that hard. We were in the phone book. I was on instagram. I even wrote him some letters. But got no reply. I can’t forgive him for that. I needed a dad and the closest thing I got was my step dad. I do hate him. And he hates me. He beats my ass with his belt a lot. And barely ever lays a finger on his kids. Even though i like not being broke. I enjoy having a real dad who cared for me. But then again he didn’t care for me enough to try and make contact with me