I Am Depresed

I guess It's not temporary, it's my way of life. I wake up every day filled with self hatred and dread to even be here! I don't fear death, I embrace the idea I will die one day, to get me out of this hell people call life. I put on a smile and tell everyone I'm happy and love life when I'm actually dying inside, i fear talking to others, of doing normal activities. I told my step sister these things the other day and she thinks I should get help. I still say no! I see no point, a therapist or medication will only cause more stress in my search for perfection, love, and realization. I go to sleep and wish I wouldn't wake up! Why do I do this. Why me. I'll keep fighting through this hellish world I get to live in!