I Admit That I'm Scared
I'm not so much scared, it's that I have this feeling of being unsettled when I go somewhere unfamiliar to me. Maybe it's the precursor to anxiety.
Whether it's me living hermit-like for the past 5-years, and leaving mainstream society. Whether it's CPTSD, (which I'm pretty certain I have) from all I've gone through these last decades. Whether it's age related, or the fact that I'm now a single older woman feeling vulnerable in a new life and city without the protection of a man in my life (I felt this very much when I was stalked last year), having no one to turn to, well I don't know. Maybe it's the sum of it all.
What I do know is I feel upset, and feel like crying because I drove somewhere unfamiliar. It wasn't too far from my home, but this whole state (except my locality, and I'm still getting used to that) is unfamiliar to me. I don't know anyone very well here, and when I go further afield, it feels like I'm lost in a wilderness and so alone.
I had thought of taking a road trip across country, but now I'm nixing those ideas. If just driving 15-minutes from home in unfamiliar territory has me unsettled, then God help me driving alone in a country I don't know. I feel very vulnerable.
Whether it's me living hermit-like for the past 5-years, and leaving mainstream society. Whether it's CPTSD, (which I'm pretty certain I have) from all I've gone through these last decades. Whether it's age related, or the fact that I'm now a single older woman feeling vulnerable in a new life and city without the protection of a man in my life (I felt this very much when I was stalked last year), having no one to turn to, well I don't know. Maybe it's the sum of it all.
What I do know is I feel upset, and feel like crying because I drove somewhere unfamiliar. It wasn't too far from my home, but this whole state (except my locality, and I'm still getting used to that) is unfamiliar to me. I don't know anyone very well here, and when I go further afield, it feels like I'm lost in a wilderness and so alone.
I had thought of taking a road trip across country, but now I'm nixing those ideas. If just driving 15-minutes from home in unfamiliar territory has me unsettled, then God help me driving alone in a country I don't know. I feel very vulnerable.
