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I Have Suffered Abuse

When I was really young, like about 2, my parents split up and I stayed with my dad. I lived with him until I was 6, but I don’t remember any of it anymore. I think I’ve somehow locked the memories away where I can’t even get at them because I can’t visualise what it was like at all, but I used to be able to, and they haunted me.

I know he abused me. I don’t even know why he took me or why he was allowed because he clearly didn’t want me. He’d hit me, hide me away and force me to be quiet, so that people couldn’t find out I was there. He’d shout and shout and shout non-stop, and I endured it because I didn’t know anything else.

Eventually he got arrested and jailed for raping someone, which kinda compounds what a shitty person he is. I moved back with my mother after that and luckily I have never had to see him or hear about him again.

It did haunt me for years. I wouldn’t sleep at first, and my mum says that the first few weeks of moving back with her I would flinch and seem terrified whenever she spoke to me. I was developmentally behind and I developed some really weird coping methods. I had nightmares and flashbacks and those sorts of things for a long time until I eventually managed to shut it out completely.

I can’t remember it now. I don’t want to remember it. I’m glad I wasn’t there for even longer.

It is a part of who I am, but it is not a part of [i]me[/i]. I hope you didn’t mind me sharing these..I wanted to get it out somewhere. ❤️

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Dan193 · 31-35, M

I had a similar story with my father. He wasn't a rapist tho, just a coward that probably was made to feel small by everyone else, so he'd come home and feel at least some sort of power by beating, yelling, belittling and just do the same thing yours did to you. He would make me sit in the dark, on a chair, in the halway and be quiet or he'd snap at me again, because you see, he was watching the TV and he didn't want any distractions like parenting to take away from his TV time.

cosylittlewotsit · 22-25, F

@Dan193 I’m really sorry that happened to you 😔

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@cosylittlewotsit the thing that sucks the most is that he broke me mentally. I used to be so open and friends with everyone, I'd even have fights at school and feel like that's a normal part of life and just enjoy everything and everyone. But after years of emotional torture at home, I became closed, timid and just scared of living.

cosylittlewotsit · 22-25, F

@Dan193 I understand 😔❤️ But at least, you can talk about this in the past tense

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@cosylittlewotsit I'm surprised that I'm even talking about it. I never shared with any of this before, not even on here. I was just repressing it all, trying to keep it in the past. But I don't know what happened and like literally 2 days ago, I started opening up about experiences like this. Mostly under people's stories, because I feel like I'd be more understood by those that went through the same.
And it does feel a bit liberating I got to say. So thanks for posting this )

cosylittlewotsit · 22-25, F

@Dan193 I’m glad you feel comfortable to share now! Well done x