I Have Suffered Abuse

When I was really young, like about 2, my parents split up and I stayed with my dad. I lived with him until I was 6, but I don’t remember any of it anymore. I think I’ve somehow locked the memories away where I can’t even get at them because I can’t visualise what it was like at all, but I used to be able to, and they haunted me.

I know he abused me. I don’t even know why he took me or why he was allowed because he clearly didn’t want me. He’d hit me, hide me away and force me to be quiet, so that people couldn’t find out I was there. He’d shout and shout and shout non-stop, and I endured it because I didn’t know anything else.

Eventually he got arrested and jailed for raping someone, which kinda compounds what a shitty person he is. I moved back with my mother after that and luckily I have never had to see him or hear about him again.

It did haunt me for years. I wouldn’t sleep at first, and my mum says that the first few weeks of moving back with her I would flinch and seem terrified whenever she spoke to me. I was developmentally behind and I developed some really weird coping methods. I had nightmares and flashbacks and those sorts of things for a long time until I eventually managed to shut it out completely.

I can’t remember it now. I don’t want to remember it. I’m glad I wasn’t there for even longer.

It is a part of who I am, but it is not a part of [i]me[/i]. I hope you didn’t mind me sharing these..I wanted to get it out somewhere. ❤️