Reoccurring thoughts [I Think About Suicide]

Since age 11 or 12 I’ve had suicidal thoughts and depression I never cared for school or having any social life. It’s something I’ve lived with for most of my life. Over the years it will come and go but it always lingered. A few years ago I made a date I believe it was June 7th 2019 and if my life wasn’t good by then better or whatever I was going to kill myself that day. That day came and I went to the old train bridge that I was planning on jumping off of. It was a place I hiked a lot and made great memories a place I’ve only really hiked alone rarely bringing people with me. I sat on that bridge for a while deciding I’d never go through with it. Of course those thoughts never went away. Over the last half year or so I’ve noticed I’ve done things I’ve always wanted to do for other people making memories with them. Finishing a story’s final installment that a few people I knew really enjoyed and I never finished the last part and over the weekend they got to read it and they laughed the whole time laughed to tears and I remember feeling happy to have to finished it was something that would have died with me. It was a story that existed in my head for years but I never got around to writing it. And there’s been conversations I’ve had with people I’ve always put off. I’ve self consciously have done these things preparing for my life to end. I feel like I’m only steps away from having everything I want and at the same time feel stuck one able to go backwards in life. I go back and forth. I was supposed to get a really good job I’ll never get considering their drug test is supervised and despite going nearly 6 weeks without smoking I can’t pass any drug test I take. I have drifted away from every friendship I’ve had which wasn’t many over the last few months. I hate the world we all live in it’s a place I knew from a young age I didn’t belong to and as I’ve got older and more aware of the world around me the more I’ve hated it. About a year ago or a little longer I’ve decided if I killed myself I’d use the exit bag method killing myself by inhale nitrogen it’s a painless death with no distress signals being sent out by your brain. I feel like it’s very likely I’ll end my life this way before this years up. It’s no longer a sad feeling or even depressed feeling I’m not self pitying or upset I’m just numb to this life and existence like it can go on or end I feel like at this point it doesn’t matter. To me suicide isn’t even a way out or a way to escape anything I feel like even if I have all these things I want it wouldn’t change anything ever dream of mine is within reach and it feels like it wouldn’t change my outlook on life or this world it would be just like all the other amazing things I done or saw in my life it will be exciting and nice at first and just because a part of reality and my reality never changes i just don’t care for anything anymore. I’m not unhappy or even depressed I’m just feel done I don’t want to be here