I Cut My Self
I used to cut quite a lot. It's been years since my last episode, but I still think about it. I have a lot of scars to remind me of the troubling times in my life, times when I thought that things would never get any better and that cutting was the only way to alleviate the pain deep inside me that wouldn't heal. Gripping the knife firmly with what I can only describe now as a maniacal resolve. I wanted to feel the blade penetrate flesh and rend it from bone with grim satisfaction. I was so angry, furious at the world. I wanted to destroy everything; much like I felt the world was doing to me. I felt isolated from my family, friends, and society. I felt like no one could understand the turmoil that festered deep inside me.
It gets better. I'm not going to lie to you and say that the world is a wonderful place by any means, but the pain passes. It's taken me years to realize this, but it does. There are times that I feel like cutting again, but I just don't do it anymore. While the act of cutting itself may initially feel therapeutic; you aren't going to remove the pain inside by causing yourself external pain. While you may temporarily alleviate some of your internal pain, it won't solve the root of the problem and now people will judge you because you mutilate yourself. I wish this wasn't the case, and there are some people that will try to be compassionate, but most people will judge you harshly. That's just the way it is.
I read many posts on here, and I hurt so much for so many of you because I have been there, and I know how you feel. I wish that I could take your pain away. I wish I could make the hurting stop for all of you. When things seem bleakest, remember that even those times will pass.
It gets better. I'm not going to lie to you and say that the world is a wonderful place by any means, but the pain passes. It's taken me years to realize this, but it does. There are times that I feel like cutting again, but I just don't do it anymore. While the act of cutting itself may initially feel therapeutic; you aren't going to remove the pain inside by causing yourself external pain. While you may temporarily alleviate some of your internal pain, it won't solve the root of the problem and now people will judge you because you mutilate yourself. I wish this wasn't the case, and there are some people that will try to be compassionate, but most people will judge you harshly. That's just the way it is.
I read many posts on here, and I hurt so much for so many of you because I have been there, and I know how you feel. I wish that I could take your pain away. I wish I could make the hurting stop for all of you. When things seem bleakest, remember that even those times will pass.
46-50, M