I Am Self Destructive

Im in this mood maybe it’s because of where I am currently living and how people are here.
But when no body likes you because of things you can’t change, you want to like you. It’s the way you go about liking yourself that makes a difference. Mine maybe hurting me more then I want to fully come to terms with and worst part is I’m just watching. I feel like I can no long make the turn back. I feel like I need to hurt myself to be good, to be who I want to be. The thing is to many people it seems I’m fine or doing what’s healthy but in my head I feel so trapped. What started as an honest attempt to being happy turned into a life source for self destruction. I just feel super alone and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to tell. I don’t want to tell my friends or people that I actually seem to be getting along with, what if they’re disappointed or never want to talk to me... I already feel so isolated 😓