I Hate Feeling Empty
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[u]And, so the cycle of hope-to-desperation continues[/u]...
For a few moments every month, I convince myself there is hope for me. There is something to be said for looking on the bright side and feeling hopeful. But, at the same time, it seems necessary to acknowledge how much I am failing in my social development goals. I just cannot seem to connect, in any substantive way, with anyone on any level under any circumstances. There have been some small success-like incidents along the way, but so far, I mainly seem to be failing.
People, at best, seem to tolerate me. But, generally, it seems they dislike me. In many cases, I often come across as invisible. So, obviously, I am doing something wrong. I am not good enough, I am deficient, I am not interesting. I am repulsive. To be honest, I see how they look at me - how they react to me.
If my failure is pre-destined (like it currently feels), I need to find a way to stop feeling so secretly burdened by my solitude. If I can change my destiny, I need to push ahead rather than hold back in quiet and docile desperation.
I feel like I can't break a life-long pattern; my "condition" is certainly not new. I have been on this path for an extremely long time. The difference is the solitude that once was a sanctuary now feels like a prison. The tragedy is that I can see the key that will open the prison cell door and it is within reach, but I don't seem to have the capability to reach out for it. So, I remain in this well-lit, fully stocked cell alive and well, but overwhelmed with a grieving sense I seem to be failing.
[u]And, so the cycle of hope-to-desperation continues[/u]...
For a few moments every month, I convince myself there is hope for me. There is something to be said for looking on the bright side and feeling hopeful. But, at the same time, it seems necessary to acknowledge how much I am failing in my social development goals. I just cannot seem to connect, in any substantive way, with anyone on any level under any circumstances. There have been some small success-like incidents along the way, but so far, I mainly seem to be failing.
People, at best, seem to tolerate me. But, generally, it seems they dislike me. In many cases, I often come across as invisible. So, obviously, I am doing something wrong. I am not good enough, I am deficient, I am not interesting. I am repulsive. To be honest, I see how they look at me - how they react to me.
If my failure is pre-destined (like it currently feels), I need to find a way to stop feeling so secretly burdened by my solitude. If I can change my destiny, I need to push ahead rather than hold back in quiet and docile desperation.
I feel like I can't break a life-long pattern; my "condition" is certainly not new. I have been on this path for an extremely long time. The difference is the solitude that once was a sanctuary now feels like a prison. The tragedy is that I can see the key that will open the prison cell door and it is within reach, but I don't seem to have the capability to reach out for it. So, I remain in this well-lit, fully stocked cell alive and well, but overwhelmed with a grieving sense I seem to be failing.
