I Am Comfortable With My Sexuality

[center][big]So why can't you be?[/big][/center]

Okay so I've been asked the same question in several different ways over the last couple months since I began talking about my boyfriend ...

[i][b]"I thought you were a lesbian?"[/b][/i]

[i][b][c=#BF0080]*Big sigh*[/c][/b][/i]

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First, I never said that. True, I spent the better part of seven years on EP & SW talking about my feelings toward girls and about several girls in particular and even about one who I thought would be the love of my life. And I've been pretty vocal about my bullshit detector and how testosterone-induced displays of machismo really turn me off. So I get where some of you would think I was *only* into girls.

But that has never been the case. In fact, any time anyone would use the lesbian label on me, I would remind him/her that I’ve never claimed that title.

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[i][b]“Oh, so you’re bisexual then?”[/b][/i]

[i][b][c=#BF0080]*Bigger sigh*[/c][/b][/i]

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Well … you see … idk, maybe I guess? My difficulty with the whole bisexual label has really to do with the assumptions that most people, gay & straight, make about bisexuals.

First, I tried the whole casual, non-committal thing. Sure, Saturday nights were fun, but Sunday mornings always felt empty. My soul was searching for a connection that doesn’t happen without the commitment. Second, I am very much a monogamous person. I tried the whole dating two people at once thing and it did not work at all for me. Both of them were fine with the non-exclusive nature of our relationships, but I wasn’t. I needed more. Next, if I concede to the bisexual label and tell you that I am dating a guy exclusively, then most of you will wonder how I will deal with not having boobs in my life anymore (other than mine, of course). But it’s not like that.

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[i][b]Here, let me try to explain … [/b][/i]

To me, the physicality of a person, his or her reproductive organs, have very little to do with my attraction to them (or lack thereof). I can look at the pics posted on here by @Ambroseguy80 or @AnneHoney and say, yes, this girl is cute or, yeah, that guy is hot … but none of those pics actually turn me on. In fact, pics in general do nothing for me (sorry guys, your dick pics remind me of nothing more than high school biology class – and I didn’t like that class much). Porn videos do little more. At most, they are a curiosity to me. If there isn’t a really good plot that is well laid out before the characters get naked (and how often does *that* happen in porn), then the sex is basically clinical – get me some caffeine, quick!

So what does do it? If it’s not body parts, then what has been the common theme connecting the major relationships of my life? Well, it has to do with that biggest sex organ or them all: the brain.

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Every single person in my life who has succeeded in arousing my body at all (this is a very short list ... many have tried, most have failed), has first connected with my brain. Be interesting, have a life of purpose and intent, have things to talk about, and above all, be positive. Do these things and my brain wants more of you. And if my brain wants more of you, believe me that my body comes attached. Make sense?

So then a few years ago, people began tossing a new label in my direction ...

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[i][b]“Oh, so you’re sapiosexual then?”[/b][/i]

[i][b][c=#BF0080]*Biggest sigh yet*[/c][/b][/i]

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"Regardless of conventional attractiveness"? Hmm ... I'm being honest here, right? Okay, no reason to stop now.

Of course I have a "type" and yes, it starts with an interesting intellect, but it doesn't stop there. I put a lot of time and effort into fitness. I think these bodies that we've been given are an incredible gift and if yours spends most of the day on the couch, we won't ever connect. In saying that, I am NOT seeking to shame anyone. There is someone for everyone (I truly believe this) and my way is not necessarily the right way. It is simply my way. And to me, in a partner, fitness matters.

But I said fitness, not fanatical. If you spend more hours in the gym than you do pursuing your life of purpose and intent, then we will have little to talk about. Life is about balance after all.

Basically, if you need to label me, go right ahead, but please don't ask me to confirm because I won't. I'm just me. I'm comfortable being me and I don't feel the need to fit into any neat little boxes just to conform to the latest label. :)

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[b]About me: [/b]https://similarworlds.com/sarabee1995/info

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ShadowSister · 46-50, F

Hi Sara, good to see you back. And same for me, it's good to be back. Okay, I confess, I was one of those people who tried desperately to label you. Reading though this one, I was actually thinking demisexual. But you're so opposed to labels, we'll just shelve that one.

Not gonna lie, I'm disappointed to see you with a guy. But then I'm disappointed to see any of my friends with opposite sex partners. My fest friend calls herself bisexual but she always keeps falling for these asshole guys. Ah well. I'm kinda heterophobic that way. Haha. And yes, I was in a heterosexual relationship when I first met you. Great friendship, terrible romance. I have a feeling that if I end up with anyone, it will probably end up being some cute trans girl. We'll see.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Thanks for the comment. Did you change your username since we knew each other?

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

Oh sorry, I forgot haha. Yes, I was InquisitiveShadow back in the day.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Oh wow. Hi. Long time. Glad you're doing well.

I'm very curious about this statement:[quote][i][c=#003BB2]"Not gonna lie, I'm disappointed to see you with a guy."[/c][/i][/quote]
Why would you be disappointed?

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

Cuz I'm a heterophobe. I say that toungue-in-cheek. Mostly. I just like to live in my LGBT+ ghetto. I spent a lot of years forcing myself to conform to society's expectations, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry, it was probably a kinda rude thing to say. If you're happy, I'm happy for you. :)

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister I'm not concerned with whether it was a rude or polite thing to say (you know me better than that). I'm more concerned with where the emotion came from. Isn't what we all put forth as the ideal that love is love? That we should all be free to love who we want in the way that we want? How does that then become disappointment in someone expressing love?

I hope the LGBTQ community never comes full circle and becomes what we fought against.

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@sarabee1995 *turns inward and thinks intensely* Okay. Insightful comment. Let me take a stab at it. I guess I feel like, when someone is actively opposing gender norms, including heterosexual norms, they are the same kind of different as me. I feel like there is an 'us-ness' or a solidarity that I don't have with cishet folks.

I think I'm expressing a thought that is prevalent in our rainbow community. Probably all marginalized groups have an aspect of it. And no, you're right, I should be celebrating all love, not just "counter-cultural" love. But I don't know, there's a level of happiness I have at seeing a guy with another guy and a girl with another girl that I just don't have for straight relationships. You're right to challenge me on it.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Hmmm, okay, but I've never felt like I have ever been in opposition to "gender norms." I do oppose, have always opposed, and will always oppose any form of discrimination based on gender expression, identity, or orientation but I do not oppose people who express the genders they were born with.

The "us-ness" that I have always felt is with all humanity, not just with marginalized groups. But yes, I do see the thought you expressed, dare I say the judgement you expressed elsewhere within the rainbow community. People who identify as bisexual (I don't) feel this judgement all the time. That's why I called you out on it.

For a group of people who's very existence and definition is based on how they feel and express love to be judgemental of an expression of love simply because it is gender normative is just so deeply wrong to me.

Just my thoughts. It is good to have you back. I've thought of you at times and wondered how things are going for you. I hope things are going well. :)

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

I think when you were dating Alex you were in opposition to gender norms. When you live your life in baseball caps and kick people's asses as a taikwondo master, you're pushing back at least slightly against gender norms. Granted, you're not taking testosterone and growing out a beard. But I certainly wouldn't call you gender conforming. That's a good thing.

I concede that what I called "a kinda rude thing to say" is an instance of or at least similar to frequent instances of bi erasure in our rainbow community. Like I said, one of my closest friends in the world is bi. And I keep trying to ship her with women, and she keeps dating these stupid men instead. And then she complains to me that they act like men. And I keep telling her I wish she would just give up men for awhile. And then she gets irritated with me, kind of like how you are now. :)

And it's fair. There is bi erasure. And I prone to slip into it.

But at the same time, since you've never identified as a lesbian, I think it might actually be harder for you to resonate with the delight I find in queer solidarity. I would be thrilled if I could spend the rest of my life in queer community and never see another straight person again outside of my family.

Other people take delight in different forms of solidarity that I don't care about. I'm never going to care how many home runs the Patriots get. (Sorry, that joke never gets old.) I'm never going to participate in white solidarity. I'm probably never going to find deep solidarity with people of faith again. I care about queer.

So whether we call it "kinda rude," "bi erasure," or "judgment expressed...in the rainbow community," I agree with you that it's wrong, and you're right to call me out on it. But is it wrong to resonate more with my friends who are in active queer relationships? And to be disappointed when I lose that resonance? I don't think that's wrong. But I think I can be more diligent in watching how I express that disappointment.

For the record, I am not disappointed about you being happy with your partner! I think that's great! And I'm really happy for you! I hope it works out long term.

Also, I feel a tad bit silly now about the PM I sent, like you wouldn't remember me. Thanks for having thought about me since then. That means a lot. :)

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister [quote][i][c=#003BB2]"When you live your life in baseball caps and kick people's asses as a taikwondo master, you're pushing back at least slightly against gender norms."[/c][/i][/quote]
We discussed this back then and you are as wrong today as you were then. How in the world is wearing a pony tail through the back of a ball cap pushing back? I told you then that I enjoy being a woman, that I identify as a woman, and that I don't reject the gender binary in my life. I don't judge you at all for taking a different path, but it's not my path.

[quote][i][c=#003BB2]"But is it wrong to resonate more with my friends who are in active queer relationships?"[/c][/i][/quote]
Can I make a point by being absurd? Is it wrong for the redneck southern boy to resonate with and echo the thoughts of the people around him without question? And yes, of course my example of absurd, but my point is that, as thinking people, we cannot just go with the herd. If something is wrong, then it is wrong no matter how right it feels to the herd.

And thanks. I am happy. :)

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

I actually don't recall ever having a discussion like that. There is a difference between "gender expectations" and "gender." I'm not saying you're somehow less than a woman. That would be absolutely offensive. But do you think wearing a baseball cap is following gender expectations or pushing back against them?

I actually only bring this up because you've specifically brought it up in the past, usually in your stories, and generally as a part of some point you're making about not navigating life as the typical "girly girl." I'm sure I'm not expressing this in the same vocabulary as you would. But however you would say it, that's what I'm getting at.

"I'm not the most [term expressing gendered expectations]."

No one is saying that makes you any less comfortable being a woman. The exact opposite actually.

To your 'absurd' point, I'm actually fine with redneck southern boys resonating with other redneck southern boys. We like to be around other people who are like us. But magnify that even moreso if you're part of a marginalized group. If there are four black kids in a group of redneck southern boys, I'm pretty sure they're going to find solidarity. Even if the rednecks are the sweetest boys who have been well educated about overcoming racist attitudes.

But the real difference comes when one is confronted with problems in their community. If the response is, "Shut up, idiot, I'm marginalized and that justifies me," that would be wrong. But if the response is, "You're right, I do slip into the judgment patterns you are pointing out, and I'll try to be more careful of it," that is healthy.

God, I forgot what a fun conversation partner you are! You're really sharp, you make good points, and you don't let me get away with intellectual sloppiness.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister And all while laying in bed drifting in and out of sleep! Lol, to be continued I'm sure...

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@sarabee1995 This post just came back up in my feed when someone else responded. So I reread what I wrote. For what it's worth, I would take back most of what I said here.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Lol, and having reread it myself just now, I would be kinder today in responding to you. I said some harsh things. For that, I am sorry.

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@sarabee1995 I guess we've both grown since then. I didn't think you were unkind. Just bold. I've always respected you for speaking your mind.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister I've learned that speaking my mind often shuts down communication. 🤷‍♀️

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@sarabee1995 That's a hard lesson to learn. This video came up in my YouTube yesterday. It's about how you can speak your mind without having people shut down. If you have time, you might enjoy it.
https://youtu.be/4OmyaMrKqw8

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Seeking common ground as a taking off point is indeed critical. :)