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I Am An Addict

I was always apprehensive about sharing with this part of me, also most of my life I was in denial anyway. Even now I debate myself on the issue. Regardless, I know it's a problem.
So, I started drinking at 18, like daily, because I had a shity job that required being sociable, but I was shy af and lived most my life in the shadow of me ex-friend. So I heard that alcohol makes u relax and not be as anxious. Even my "friends" when going out would say: "pour Dan some, so he'll start talking". Basically conditioning me to it.
With time, college came around, and I went from light bevarages to hard alcohol, because I felt like I was becoming resistant to it.
At some point I tried to stop because I thought I might develop some liver problem or some stuff like that. Stopped for a couple of months, then started again, but just beer. From a little beer, went to a lot of beer and back to daily intake.
I've been drinking quite heavily. Ok I wouldn't say necessarily heavily, like really drunk or blackout heavy. More like a beer/ a couple of beers daily.

I decided to stop again, however I need an outlet, something to exchange it with, because I get urges. I chose exercise. Now every time I'd usually drink or get urges, I make push-us, or other exercises.
I've been doing it for the past 3 days and I think it's working, it pushes the thoughts out of my mind. Though my muscles hurt so bad, I've been doing like 2-3 times a day. Could I destroy my muscles? is that a thing?

Probably will delete, because I'm ashamed of it.

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rckt148 · 61-69, M

Dan that is brave of you to share this ,
I was a real drunk ,case of long necks in the fridge every night when I got home ,we drank a 12 pack from around noon until we knocked off ,normally around 5 ,then a 12 pack for the ride home
since my partner nor I had licence due to DWI's my Uncle was our ride
He got the jobs ,put my partner and I on the job in the morning ,show up and take us to lunch ,quick stop at the beer store ,fill the water keg with Ice and beer and back to work
On the way home ,my uncle ,my partner and I polished off a 12 pack ,
I walk in the door go to the fridge and grab a long neck and go to my den for bong hits ,pain meds and shot of JD
When the case was gone ,I soon passed out ,in my den ,my wife longing for me to just once in a while come to bed with her ,but I know alcohol breath when you are not drinking stinks ,,I knew what I was doing ,I was staying out of her face ..and I was to drunk to make my gorgeous wife happy anyway .

When I played in clubs ,they offered me or my band a tab ,,we tried that
we owed the bar more then we made ,,normally $400,00 a night ,,either for just me and my one man show ,or a 4 piece band
So that couldn't keep being the deal ,playing to get drunk
we got that playing for keg parties
So ,,my deal included free drinks ,for each of us and a guest and if the club served food ,free food too (I can chow down when I have a drunk on
I played one club for 10 months ,every weekend ,,I did a solo act and they served food ,

I had such a following I packed the place to capacity every weekend
So now that everyone know the name "Rick"
I went to the bigger clubs ,one had 3 stages ,3 bands and a revolving bar in each auditorium ,very nice place to play .

At first they put me at the entrance under a light on the wall ..pin ball machines and pool tables to each side of me ,,I was the juke box
People walking in front of me as I played ,shouting and cheering over pool games ,,I felt they thought I was a Joke

As soon as the people that came to hear me flooded the place ,it was clear they parked me in the wrong place ,they moved me from a smaller stage at first then finally the main stage
I nor my wife drank while I preformed
but from closing until 5 am ,when the cops did shift change (now I was driving a bigger truck packed with music equipment .and no licence
getting stopped drinking ,and no licence because of a DWI was not part of my plan (I have to say I was blessed ,I played there for 2 yrs and not even a close call as to being stopped .

I made up for lost time and it was free and anything I wanted
I tried shots of high dollar alcohols I never heard of ,it was the owners intent every weekend to drink me under the table ,it never happened
But as you have read I assume in some of my posts ,I developed a spur in my shoulder that paralyzed my arm
My building mansions in the day and musician at night slammed to a halt
and by now my habit was far worse ,all the money I made went to better equipment and alcohol and drugs ,now I can't even play

The wife left me and I gave her everything ,I was a destroyed man
My Uncle betrayed me .my partner didn't want me around his company crying over my loss so he ran me off ,,I was friendless and homeless
But a guy I had promised to kill said God spoke to him ,and told him to save me ,I was about to commit suicide ,I was to scared to go on ,
I was dragged to a church kicking and screaming
I walked in (dragged in more like it )an addict and a drunk ,,walked out sober as a Judge ,that was over 25 yrs ago .I am still sober
I have never had the desire to drink or drug again ,,and not one day of withdraw
Instantly God healed me ,,my proof (for me ) He was real
I know (or I believe from a few short conversations ,and the wonderful lady we both love (Grace ) you know my Boss too
He can heal you ,He is no respecter of persons ,,if He did it for me
He can do it for you too