I'm An Open Book If You Care To Read Me
I used to have a lot of friends. I used to be the center of attention. A lot of people looked up to me, respected me, wanted to be like me...copied me, lol. I was their little queen bee. Part of me enjoyed it. Part of me hated it because I felt superior to them, which I know sounds terrible. They didn't challenge me though. They didn't think outside the box. They didn't dream big or aspire to make anything of themselves...they didn't inspire me or push me. They often felt more like weights pulling me back with their small-minded gossip and small-town ideas than a support group. However, I did thrive in a way among them. I planned parties and showers, movie nights...all kinds of fun outings. I was always the one they sought out for advice and support. I was their pillar...the glue that held everyone together. I was surrounded by people who wanted my involvement in their lives...and that part I enjoyed and loved very much.
After the great crash of my life between 2010-2011, a lot changed. I found myself cutting ties with a lot of the people I knew and abandoned by others. As more time passed, I found myself withdrawing from those who remained. Then suddenly, I realized I'd cut ties with everyone. Alas, after a period, I decided to get back in touch with those I deemed worthy and attempt to make some new friends. Now, there are a lot of factors I'm leaving out here. I was deceived and hurt. Went through a divorce. My mom died. Lost my religion. Lost my identity. Lost my home. I moved away. Got in a great relationship, but unfortunately he dislikes most everyone I know. But whatever. All of that is water under the bridge. However, it does define who I've become to some extent and the flaws I've struggled to overcome. I rebuilt myself and my life.
So here I am...2016...still struggling terribly with relationships. I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my boyfriend. At least that's one success. However, for the life of me, I just suck at friendships these days. I've tried and tried and tried to figure out where I'm going wrong. I went through a variety of insecurities...maybe I'm not smart enough, interesting enough, pretty enough...maybe I don't have a career others respect, maybe I don't know how to socialize properly anymore or carry on a conversation...maybe I talk about inappropriate topics, say the wrong things, make others feel awkward because I feel awkward...and on and on and on...
I finally had an epiphany though. Sure, I have insecurities, but we all do. Essentially though, we all just want to be cared about. We want to be around people who make us feel special. I used to be REALLY good at that. And I still can be, in brief spurts. However, I find it incredibly draining over time. People require a lot of energy. I feel guilty...perhaps I don't care enough? Maybe that's why I find it so draining. I really am just a dreadfully selfish, self-absorbed person. I don't know if it's just because I'm actually still healing from my own invisible wounds or if this is just the type of person I've become. I genuinely do care...and I want everyone to be happy...people just scare the heck out of me. You can devote years of your life getting to know about a person and be connected like soul-sisters and then out of nowhere they can turn around and be the person who destroys your entire life. So, I guess that's why I haven't allowed myself to put as much effort forth as I should. Also, I worry too much about what I should say or how I should act than actually listening to what a person is saying. I'm REALLY trying to improve upon that. It's a struggle though!
I have this amazing friend. We'll call her...Chanel. She's a very classy, sweet girl. My favorite friend I've made since moving up here. Well, the only one I'd even confidently call a friend....after 2-3 years of living here. I've got lots of acquaintances...and two long-term friends up here. Anyway, back on topic :P As much as I adore Chanel and genuinely want to be the greatest friend to her, I'm terrible. I can't really tell you a LOT about her. I mean, I know what types of colors she loves, her fashion sense, her bf's name, their wedding date and plans, where she grew up, her hobbies, her dreams...but, how many siblings does she have? I know she has a sister...and a niece..any more? I have no idea. I should've listened better. She remembers everything I tell her. :( And see...THAT is why I like her so much. That is why I feel she really cares. Remembering shows you care...that you're genuinely interested. I feel like she really LISTENS and gets me. I have GOT to work on that.
Additionally, I was on FB the other day and saw someone tag a friend in a post...something silly, like suggesting decorations for their child's b-day party or something of the sort. It dawned on me...I don't have anyone who ever seeks my help anymore. I think I'm officially a reject, lol. It's my own fault for being so reclusive. And I can really be a social butterfly, which is the weird thing! Anyway, I'm not entirely out of the loop. It's just, my best friend moved faaaaaar away. So we only see each other a couple of times a year. Everything else is internet and phone. Puts a damper on socializing, party planning, and whatnot :P I have a lot of opportunities around me. I just don't...hold onto them. I get close with a person for a period of time, and then I sort of fade out....as if I'm worried about my significance in their life and need them to reach out to me to prove it. That's just silly. We're all waiting for validity :P We're all waiting to see a reason to give pieces of ourselves to others. So, I have to stop standing on the sidelines waiting to see proof that someone cares and work more on showing THEM that I care!
I've gotten too used to my own company. I'm not saying I want to be the center of attention again. That gets exhausting...and I didn't enjoy being surrounded by those types of people anyway. I want to be surrounded by my equals....However, I do want to be depended upon and appreciated again. I used to do so much for others. I want to be like that again. No more of this invisibility business. So...practice...practice becomes habit. Habit becomes lifestyle. Simple as that.
After the great crash of my life between 2010-2011, a lot changed. I found myself cutting ties with a lot of the people I knew and abandoned by others. As more time passed, I found myself withdrawing from those who remained. Then suddenly, I realized I'd cut ties with everyone. Alas, after a period, I decided to get back in touch with those I deemed worthy and attempt to make some new friends. Now, there are a lot of factors I'm leaving out here. I was deceived and hurt. Went through a divorce. My mom died. Lost my religion. Lost my identity. Lost my home. I moved away. Got in a great relationship, but unfortunately he dislikes most everyone I know. But whatever. All of that is water under the bridge. However, it does define who I've become to some extent and the flaws I've struggled to overcome. I rebuilt myself and my life.
So here I am...2016...still struggling terribly with relationships. I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my boyfriend. At least that's one success. However, for the life of me, I just suck at friendships these days. I've tried and tried and tried to figure out where I'm going wrong. I went through a variety of insecurities...maybe I'm not smart enough, interesting enough, pretty enough...maybe I don't have a career others respect, maybe I don't know how to socialize properly anymore or carry on a conversation...maybe I talk about inappropriate topics, say the wrong things, make others feel awkward because I feel awkward...and on and on and on...
I finally had an epiphany though. Sure, I have insecurities, but we all do. Essentially though, we all just want to be cared about. We want to be around people who make us feel special. I used to be REALLY good at that. And I still can be, in brief spurts. However, I find it incredibly draining over time. People require a lot of energy. I feel guilty...perhaps I don't care enough? Maybe that's why I find it so draining. I really am just a dreadfully selfish, self-absorbed person. I don't know if it's just because I'm actually still healing from my own invisible wounds or if this is just the type of person I've become. I genuinely do care...and I want everyone to be happy...people just scare the heck out of me. You can devote years of your life getting to know about a person and be connected like soul-sisters and then out of nowhere they can turn around and be the person who destroys your entire life. So, I guess that's why I haven't allowed myself to put as much effort forth as I should. Also, I worry too much about what I should say or how I should act than actually listening to what a person is saying. I'm REALLY trying to improve upon that. It's a struggle though!
I have this amazing friend. We'll call her...Chanel. She's a very classy, sweet girl. My favorite friend I've made since moving up here. Well, the only one I'd even confidently call a friend....after 2-3 years of living here. I've got lots of acquaintances...and two long-term friends up here. Anyway, back on topic :P As much as I adore Chanel and genuinely want to be the greatest friend to her, I'm terrible. I can't really tell you a LOT about her. I mean, I know what types of colors she loves, her fashion sense, her bf's name, their wedding date and plans, where she grew up, her hobbies, her dreams...but, how many siblings does she have? I know she has a sister...and a niece..any more? I have no idea. I should've listened better. She remembers everything I tell her. :( And see...THAT is why I like her so much. That is why I feel she really cares. Remembering shows you care...that you're genuinely interested. I feel like she really LISTENS and gets me. I have GOT to work on that.
Additionally, I was on FB the other day and saw someone tag a friend in a post...something silly, like suggesting decorations for their child's b-day party or something of the sort. It dawned on me...I don't have anyone who ever seeks my help anymore. I think I'm officially a reject, lol. It's my own fault for being so reclusive. And I can really be a social butterfly, which is the weird thing! Anyway, I'm not entirely out of the loop. It's just, my best friend moved faaaaaar away. So we only see each other a couple of times a year. Everything else is internet and phone. Puts a damper on socializing, party planning, and whatnot :P I have a lot of opportunities around me. I just don't...hold onto them. I get close with a person for a period of time, and then I sort of fade out....as if I'm worried about my significance in their life and need them to reach out to me to prove it. That's just silly. We're all waiting for validity :P We're all waiting to see a reason to give pieces of ourselves to others. So, I have to stop standing on the sidelines waiting to see proof that someone cares and work more on showing THEM that I care!
I've gotten too used to my own company. I'm not saying I want to be the center of attention again. That gets exhausting...and I didn't enjoy being surrounded by those types of people anyway. I want to be surrounded by my equals....However, I do want to be depended upon and appreciated again. I used to do so much for others. I want to be like that again. No more of this invisibility business. So...practice...practice becomes habit. Habit becomes lifestyle. Simple as that.
