I'm An Open Book If You Care To Read Me
It's a conversation between father and an adopted 13-year old daughter, living together for a month. What would think about each of the figures?
Jeremy took out Phoebe's file out of his bag. He was sitting in his car parked hidden behind a tree near school. It was after five, the parent-teacher conference has just ended, he could see other parents walking out of the building. He kept the light in his car on.
The file contained Phoebe's grades in all subjects, her participation during classes, missed hours... and social skills, friendships, communication skills, teamwork... Jeremy watched a group of girls in front of the school, talking loud and laughing. Would he wish she'd be one of them now? They seem to be drinking, Phoebe would never do that. And she would never go out without telling him first... But he would love to hear her laughing so loud more often. When was the last time... He couldn't even think of a situation. And maybe he would even wish for her to go out without telling from time to time after all... Yes, it is easy for him when she listens to him and respects him... But... shouldn't she kind of be a teenager?
She's living with him for a month now. After he got the custody, he was thinking about the struggles with raising a teenage girl. Observing other 14 year olds, he though he will get to deal with her wanting to go to a party every other night. Her wanting to stay out late in the evening. Her wearing skirts too short and make up too offensive. Her not wanting to make homework for school. Her having her first “love”, thinking about boys...
At first, Jeremy couldn't believe, how lucky he was when none of these expectations went true. She seemed like a perfect daughter – with the best grades, no late parties and a kind of a grown-up life-perspective for her age. She's interested in science, space and nasa... Jeremy was very proud on her.
But she is...well... the problem is.... she is kind of living in her own world. She doesn't seem to have much friends. Or, better said, she doesn't seem to have any friends at all. He has never heard her talking about other people. Jeremy couldn't even tell, whether she's alone because she's chosen to be alone or because she's got difficulties finding her place among the others. She seems okay with herself. Is she keeping it inside? Or is she just a loner?
Thinking about how she spent the first month in San Francisco, Jeremy couldn't tell she would somehow miss a contact to other people. At least she has never asked or showed any initiative to get to know the neighbor kids. She spent the whole month alone, exploring the city, reading, writing something...
Jeremy knew enough to say that not all people are seeking company. But he would wish for her to have at least one friend. He talked to her teachers at middle school and the care takers in the foster home – they all said, Phoebe has never had friends. Can it be that she doesn't know what friendship even means? Can it be that she really doesn't know how to trust the others? She does seem to trust him, doesn't she? From what he heard, he could assume he is the first person she has ever opened to. And yet she never talked about her being alone with him...
“Hey, honey...” Jeremy opened Phoebe's door. Phoebe was sitting at the computer, reading a new edition of National Geographic. She smiled, she knows she got good grades at school and nothing bad could actually been said about her.
“I would like to talk to you a little tonight, would you come downstairs and we can open up some ice cream?” Phoebe looked disoriented. “Okay, sure...” She said with a smile and a question in her eyes. She looks so happy and satisfied right now.
Jeremy knew, she will turn sad immediately after he starts up with the topic. Every time their conversation got to this point, her face got sad and she changed the topic. Jeremy felt sorry inside, he's going to probably ruin the evening for her...
He took the ice-cream out of the freezer and sat down on the sofa in the living room, looking on the black screen.
C'mon, nothing could go wrong at that parent teacher conference... I'm one of the best in the class, I have good grades, I can “behave”... A little voice inside me was telling me: He knows. He knows you. He knows your secret... I didn't feel like lying to Jeremy after first weeks, so I let go of my stories about fake friends in New York and was talking about the truth about my nice sides only, my days and dreams... I mean, c'mon, I am a perfect daughter...
I stayed a little longer in my room than I should have. I knew Jeremy's already waiting for me downstairs. He wants to talk to you. How you are different and how you should be normal... Maybe I could change the subject again? Maybe we could just talk about my awesome grades and what kind of university I'm gonna attend? Just... try to be happy...
“So how was the PT meeting?” Phoebe asked with a confidence.
“Congratulations, you're only one of the best in your class.” Jeremy smiled supportive. Before he changes the subject to her social skills, he wanted her to know, he is proud on her and satisfied completely with her school reports. That's why he spent half an hour talking about each subject and how great she is in it and what exactly did the teacher say. She's always been sensitive – particularly taking everything he says literally and he wanted her to know, there are many things, she's is great at and that he knows she is great at them.
“However, there is something I'd like to talk to you about...” Jeremy said after a longer pause. Phoebe kept looking at him and he noticed sudden fear in her eyes. She looked at him and then at the stairs. Please, don't run... Sometimes, she seemed so grown-up, and sometimes he could still see so much fear in her, so much need for protection. But she would never in the world ask for help. She is so used to be alone, it doesn't even come to her mind, there might be someone to talk to. And she's lost... 14 years old, almost a young woman, but still not quite a grown up, still a little bit a child...
“Would you please sit down?” She pushed herself down from the armrest on which she was sitting until now. She doesn't seem to have much respect for the others, or better said, she seems to ignore them, especially the caretakers, but he never had this problem with her. Sometimes he's even worried if it's still respect or already fear, and he still couldn't decide.
Jeremy knew, how to talk, how to start even a conversation on a vulnerable topic. But it's so different when it's his own daughter. When he knows, she has problems, when he knows, she will probably refuse to talk about it again.
“Your teacher is a little bit worried about you for not socializing much at school...” Jeremy tried to sound as much supportive as he could. He picked the words very carefully and slowly. She looks like she was expecting it. Still not saying anything. She kept eating the ice cream, avoiding the eye contact.
“Phoebe...” She finally looked at him. “And I think we should talk about it...” The sentence kept lying in the silent room. No talk. Please don't run...
“Yeah... uhm... I don't really... care... what she thinks... or what the others think... “ She said finally very silent, barely moving her lips.
“You are a wonderful young woman, honey. You're a very good student and you are interested in so many nice things. But I think, we should talk about this now. It would be very helpful for you, Phoebs...”
A long silence took over the living room. Jeremy felt lost which was new to him – normally he always finds a way to stay his ground, to be the one leading, the one knowing the others. But this time, and this was the first time, he didn't know what was going on in her thoughts. She seems like running away, or crying? Or like she doesn't understand what's this is about at all?
“I'm sorry....” She whispered finally. Very slowly, very careful and quiet. Sorry... She feels sorry, for what? Not telling him, not...
“You have nothing to apologize for, Phoebe. This isn't anything you did, this is me trying to understand you and help you if you need it...”
He wanted to talk to her as to an adult. With no mind games, no phrases to trick her to tell him more. She was kind of an adult in his eyes most of the time. For most of the time, he forgot she's still not a grown up, still in need of someone to lead her and show her the way from time to time. Still needing someone to lean on... Or... not still... as she never had it... better said, she finally needs someone to care about her much enough to stand by her and not let her do everything alone.
“I know you spend so much time alone and you had to deal with everything by yourself.” Jeremy proceeded when no answer came. “But I am here for you now.”
“I don't need anyone...” Phoebe answered immediately. Jeremy smiled inside: almost a woman and still a child. Building a wall from the outside world. Does she feel insecure? Does she feel alone? Does she feel rejected? Or all that combined? She is 14. He can't let her deal with it by herself. Jeremy was sure – she would find a way to socialize, she would get to the point to understand friendship. But he didn't want her to take this route – long and lonely route, fearful and insecure.
“I know this feeling, Phoebe. I also feel like I can do everything by myself sometimes, like I don't need anyone. And when you are yet growing up this feeling can become stronger, because you want to be independent and you don't want your life to be controlled by others – which is a good thing. But to trust some one and to ask for help is no sign of a weakness. It can make it much easier and it's definitely not something to be ashamed of.”
A long silence followed. Phoebe forgot about her ice-cream which stayed on the coffee table. She looks like crying... Please, don't cry... please, don't cry...
“I don't know how to trust someone...” she said finally with a quiet voice. She kind of reacted only to one of the things Jeremy mentioned, but for all he knew, this was the most personal thing she has ever shared with anyone.
“Nobody really knows me...” Jeremy didn't know what to tell at this moment, but Phoebe didn't seem like she expected or wanted him to say anything. She was talking with such an insecurity, like she would still not be sure if it's a good idea to say it loud. Jeremy feared if he'd interrupted, she would hide behind her wall again. This is the first time she let him in.
“Every day I go to school... and I see the others, how they behave and how they talk to each other... And I just feel like I'm just so....” Phoebe stopped but Jeremy already knew what she was going to say. “...different.”
She finally looked him in his eyes. Is she expecting him to proceed? Jeremy felt very vulnerable right now. No right words came into his mind, too big was his fear he would scare her out. With anything he says... Is there even a right reaction? He did feel the same sometimes, but he didn't want to play the introvert card. And besides, he suspected she already knew about this. And he got a feeling, the problem lies much deeper.
It was the same feeling he had about her... she was right, she is somehow different, like she sees the world from a different perspective. Or... she lives in her own world... He remembered that one day in the youth center, they went to register her for school. The other kids also didn't really know each other... But still... He saw groups of girls talking loudly, taking selfies and laughing on the whole room. Checking the boys and trying to attract them. Phoebe was quiet, she took a science magazine from the table and stayed at the same place where she was seated in the beginning. She was the first one to notice the teacher and follow the instructions and got the highest score in placement tests. And she was the only one who left the room alone afterwards. Well, she still seemed okay, she didn't seem like it would bother her. In the car she showed him her schedule and classes she has decided to attend. Not a word about any of her new schoolmates. After he asked, she said, they're okay and proceeded talking about the school magazine she'd like to join. He is so proud on her for having all these interests and he's sure other parents would be jealous. But at least once, he'd like to see her being so carefree and light-hearten and joyful.
“What would happen if you would go to school and let someone to get to know you?” Jeremy asked finally. Phoebe shaked her head and looked down.
“Then I would have to talk to them... About me...” She whispered quietly.
She looks so fragile. Her voice is so quiet, she is almost whispering, like she'd fear someone might hear her. He would want to take her in his arms and protect her, but he wasn't sure she would find it acceptable. It might make her feel uncomfortable... He wanted to be her friend... And he tried and she liked him right? Even though she said during the session he is strict... Nothing much happened to make her feel that. Yes, he made some rules, but she basically had more freedom than before, and definitely much more freedom than other parents give their children. He trusts her... And now she trusts him...
“Why would it be bad to talk about you?”
I couldn't answer him that. Why would it be difficult? Because if I would talk to my schoolmates about me and my life... then I would have to tell them that I had never had any friends back in New York. That I have wished for a father my whole life. That I spend most of my time alone. I would have to meet with them every day and talk to them every day and inform them about everything. And if I wouldn't I couldn't be their best friend anyway – they might be best friends to me, but the others mostly meet their really good friends more often I could even... kind of... “handle”?
I can't tell anyone about this, not even Jeremy... If someone knew... anyone... even if they'd like me... They wouldn't... like me anymore if they knew...
I can't have a real friendship unless I bring the trust and I can't trust because nobody would want to be friends with me if they knew...
Jeremy is the first person who thinks I'm nice, he is the first person that likes me. He would like me if he knew, right? Of course he would, I know he would... You know that, Phoebe, right? But I could still hear a little voice, what if he won't? Or... no, not that... He would still like you... But... He might be disappointed... He will be disappointed that his daughter isn't like other children...
I really don't know how to behave towards him and I can't get rid of a thought, that he would be happier with some other girl from the care home. It hurts a lot, I can't even describe how much. But which father would want a daughter like me? I was always only thinking on what I want – I want to feel protected, I want someone to care, I want a grown-up to go with with my problems. But a father-daughter relationship is so much more than that – 99% of the time, there is no problem to discuss and I don't need to be protected.
99% of the time we just... are together. And I'm not that much of a good company. I wanted him to be proud on me, and yes, he said that. Yes, I have straight A's and yes I go to the bilingual school. But that's it. You say it once and the longed sentence “I'm proud of you Phoebe” comes, but you can only say it that one time. And he's always asking me about friendship, he want's me to be more outgoing – like he already encouraged me to speak up at an unpleasent moment at least three times and then there's this free talk I just can't follow...
And he talks different to the girls my age as he does to me. I watched him once in front of the company. He met a group of 4 girls with some woman and he just talked so cool to them. They were all laughing so loudly, I saw one of the girls said something and he gave her high five. It went all so freely... And yesterday I saw him talking with a neighbor, the girl he wanted me to meet in front of the house. And he was asking her about some boy and she was talking about going shopping with friends.
I can tell he would wish for any of those girls to be rather his daughter than me. He is so cool and extroverted with me as well, but often there are these moments I'm scared of him or I'm thinking too much or I'm unsure of something and then he changes as well. And then he's like he feels sorry for me. With his “Is everything okay?” and “Phoebe, honey” and the low voice.
I can't give him that, I can't be a daughter a father wants. I don't have friends to go shopping with, I don't know how to approach him in a free loud way and I have never even thought about boys. Not to mention I don't know how to dress, so I always take only some jeans and t-shirt and sometimes people are looikng at me and laughing on the street. All of those girls were at least five inches taller than me and so pretty, not like me with my round face and big teeth. Of course Jeremy would rather be a father to any of those girls...
“I don't wanna talk about it” Phoebe shouted all of a sudden. So loud – she has never shouted in front of him before. He even got surprised of how her voice sounded – although he heard a despair in it. And then, before he could do something about it, she got up and ran upstairs. In the first second, Jeremy didn't move – then he followed her to her room, but she ran further and to his surprised she has locked herself in his office. Jeremy stayed outside looking on the shut door, he could hear her crying.
He reached for his keys and opened the door. Phoebe was standing with her back towards him, near the table. After she has noticed him, she turned around, pretending she didn't cry. His little girl, he just so wanted to take her in his arms and tell her, he's gonna take care of her.
“I don't wanna talk about it.” she whispered with a plea in her voice. Why does she hide everything inside of her? Why is she so scared to talk about herself? What would happen if she did talk about her to her schoolmates? What does she think would happen? They would tease her? Don't they do it anyway? No, for what he knew, the problem lies in her behavior – she is isolating herself from the class, the others are not picking up on her – at least not until she started to ignore them. So why is she so scared to talk in front of the people?
Hasn't there been ever one person she'd like and trust? Jeremy thought about her social groups: at home, she always said, they “didn't get her and laughed from her for being different, for having different moves and not talking much...” At school, she spent much of her time alone and never talked to anyone. She said, at middle school she had “one friend, which wasn't really a friend”. And the others “were all friends together but were all about fashion and make-up and stuff”. Outside of school, there wasn't much going on... In the home they said, they tried her to join some student clubs but she refused, so they didn't push her. She was in that cosmetics sales, which she left, cause “she didn't like to talk so much about products”. And she was in the school magazine, from where she left, cause “nobody believed she would make a good journalist.” And she worked in the library but they “refused her make a presentation for the audience. She asked and they said there are no spots left and two days later they took another girls and then she heard the teachers saying she wouldn't represent the school well.”
But he is here for her... and she does trust him, doesn't she? He can't be her friend, to a considerable manner he still remains her father.
He wants her to feel secure, he doesn't want to push on her, he doesn't want her to feel like the choices are made for her without considering of what she might wish for...
“Okay, h
Jeremy took out Phoebe's file out of his bag. He was sitting in his car parked hidden behind a tree near school. It was after five, the parent-teacher conference has just ended, he could see other parents walking out of the building. He kept the light in his car on.
The file contained Phoebe's grades in all subjects, her participation during classes, missed hours... and social skills, friendships, communication skills, teamwork... Jeremy watched a group of girls in front of the school, talking loud and laughing. Would he wish she'd be one of them now? They seem to be drinking, Phoebe would never do that. And she would never go out without telling him first... But he would love to hear her laughing so loud more often. When was the last time... He couldn't even think of a situation. And maybe he would even wish for her to go out without telling from time to time after all... Yes, it is easy for him when she listens to him and respects him... But... shouldn't she kind of be a teenager?
She's living with him for a month now. After he got the custody, he was thinking about the struggles with raising a teenage girl. Observing other 14 year olds, he though he will get to deal with her wanting to go to a party every other night. Her wanting to stay out late in the evening. Her wearing skirts too short and make up too offensive. Her not wanting to make homework for school. Her having her first “love”, thinking about boys...
At first, Jeremy couldn't believe, how lucky he was when none of these expectations went true. She seemed like a perfect daughter – with the best grades, no late parties and a kind of a grown-up life-perspective for her age. She's interested in science, space and nasa... Jeremy was very proud on her.
But she is...well... the problem is.... she is kind of living in her own world. She doesn't seem to have much friends. Or, better said, she doesn't seem to have any friends at all. He has never heard her talking about other people. Jeremy couldn't even tell, whether she's alone because she's chosen to be alone or because she's got difficulties finding her place among the others. She seems okay with herself. Is she keeping it inside? Or is she just a loner?
Thinking about how she spent the first month in San Francisco, Jeremy couldn't tell she would somehow miss a contact to other people. At least she has never asked or showed any initiative to get to know the neighbor kids. She spent the whole month alone, exploring the city, reading, writing something...
Jeremy knew enough to say that not all people are seeking company. But he would wish for her to have at least one friend. He talked to her teachers at middle school and the care takers in the foster home – they all said, Phoebe has never had friends. Can it be that she doesn't know what friendship even means? Can it be that she really doesn't know how to trust the others? She does seem to trust him, doesn't she? From what he heard, he could assume he is the first person she has ever opened to. And yet she never talked about her being alone with him...
“Hey, honey...” Jeremy opened Phoebe's door. Phoebe was sitting at the computer, reading a new edition of National Geographic. She smiled, she knows she got good grades at school and nothing bad could actually been said about her.
“I would like to talk to you a little tonight, would you come downstairs and we can open up some ice cream?” Phoebe looked disoriented. “Okay, sure...” She said with a smile and a question in her eyes. She looks so happy and satisfied right now.
Jeremy knew, she will turn sad immediately after he starts up with the topic. Every time their conversation got to this point, her face got sad and she changed the topic. Jeremy felt sorry inside, he's going to probably ruin the evening for her...
He took the ice-cream out of the freezer and sat down on the sofa in the living room, looking on the black screen.
C'mon, nothing could go wrong at that parent teacher conference... I'm one of the best in the class, I have good grades, I can “behave”... A little voice inside me was telling me: He knows. He knows you. He knows your secret... I didn't feel like lying to Jeremy after first weeks, so I let go of my stories about fake friends in New York and was talking about the truth about my nice sides only, my days and dreams... I mean, c'mon, I am a perfect daughter...
I stayed a little longer in my room than I should have. I knew Jeremy's already waiting for me downstairs. He wants to talk to you. How you are different and how you should be normal... Maybe I could change the subject again? Maybe we could just talk about my awesome grades and what kind of university I'm gonna attend? Just... try to be happy...
“So how was the PT meeting?” Phoebe asked with a confidence.
“Congratulations, you're only one of the best in your class.” Jeremy smiled supportive. Before he changes the subject to her social skills, he wanted her to know, he is proud on her and satisfied completely with her school reports. That's why he spent half an hour talking about each subject and how great she is in it and what exactly did the teacher say. She's always been sensitive – particularly taking everything he says literally and he wanted her to know, there are many things, she's is great at and that he knows she is great at them.
“However, there is something I'd like to talk to you about...” Jeremy said after a longer pause. Phoebe kept looking at him and he noticed sudden fear in her eyes. She looked at him and then at the stairs. Please, don't run... Sometimes, she seemed so grown-up, and sometimes he could still see so much fear in her, so much need for protection. But she would never in the world ask for help. She is so used to be alone, it doesn't even come to her mind, there might be someone to talk to. And she's lost... 14 years old, almost a young woman, but still not quite a grown up, still a little bit a child...
“Would you please sit down?” She pushed herself down from the armrest on which she was sitting until now. She doesn't seem to have much respect for the others, or better said, she seems to ignore them, especially the caretakers, but he never had this problem with her. Sometimes he's even worried if it's still respect or already fear, and he still couldn't decide.
Jeremy knew, how to talk, how to start even a conversation on a vulnerable topic. But it's so different when it's his own daughter. When he knows, she has problems, when he knows, she will probably refuse to talk about it again.
“Your teacher is a little bit worried about you for not socializing much at school...” Jeremy tried to sound as much supportive as he could. He picked the words very carefully and slowly. She looks like she was expecting it. Still not saying anything. She kept eating the ice cream, avoiding the eye contact.
“Phoebe...” She finally looked at him. “And I think we should talk about it...” The sentence kept lying in the silent room. No talk. Please don't run...
“Yeah... uhm... I don't really... care... what she thinks... or what the others think... “ She said finally very silent, barely moving her lips.
“You are a wonderful young woman, honey. You're a very good student and you are interested in so many nice things. But I think, we should talk about this now. It would be very helpful for you, Phoebs...”
A long silence took over the living room. Jeremy felt lost which was new to him – normally he always finds a way to stay his ground, to be the one leading, the one knowing the others. But this time, and this was the first time, he didn't know what was going on in her thoughts. She seems like running away, or crying? Or like she doesn't understand what's this is about at all?
“I'm sorry....” She whispered finally. Very slowly, very careful and quiet. Sorry... She feels sorry, for what? Not telling him, not...
“You have nothing to apologize for, Phoebe. This isn't anything you did, this is me trying to understand you and help you if you need it...”
He wanted to talk to her as to an adult. With no mind games, no phrases to trick her to tell him more. She was kind of an adult in his eyes most of the time. For most of the time, he forgot she's still not a grown up, still in need of someone to lead her and show her the way from time to time. Still needing someone to lean on... Or... not still... as she never had it... better said, she finally needs someone to care about her much enough to stand by her and not let her do everything alone.
“I know you spend so much time alone and you had to deal with everything by yourself.” Jeremy proceeded when no answer came. “But I am here for you now.”
“I don't need anyone...” Phoebe answered immediately. Jeremy smiled inside: almost a woman and still a child. Building a wall from the outside world. Does she feel insecure? Does she feel alone? Does she feel rejected? Or all that combined? She is 14. He can't let her deal with it by herself. Jeremy was sure – she would find a way to socialize, she would get to the point to understand friendship. But he didn't want her to take this route – long and lonely route, fearful and insecure.
“I know this feeling, Phoebe. I also feel like I can do everything by myself sometimes, like I don't need anyone. And when you are yet growing up this feeling can become stronger, because you want to be independent and you don't want your life to be controlled by others – which is a good thing. But to trust some one and to ask for help is no sign of a weakness. It can make it much easier and it's definitely not something to be ashamed of.”
A long silence followed. Phoebe forgot about her ice-cream which stayed on the coffee table. She looks like crying... Please, don't cry... please, don't cry...
“I don't know how to trust someone...” she said finally with a quiet voice. She kind of reacted only to one of the things Jeremy mentioned, but for all he knew, this was the most personal thing she has ever shared with anyone.
“Nobody really knows me...” Jeremy didn't know what to tell at this moment, but Phoebe didn't seem like she expected or wanted him to say anything. She was talking with such an insecurity, like she would still not be sure if it's a good idea to say it loud. Jeremy feared if he'd interrupted, she would hide behind her wall again. This is the first time she let him in.
“Every day I go to school... and I see the others, how they behave and how they talk to each other... And I just feel like I'm just so....” Phoebe stopped but Jeremy already knew what she was going to say. “...different.”
She finally looked him in his eyes. Is she expecting him to proceed? Jeremy felt very vulnerable right now. No right words came into his mind, too big was his fear he would scare her out. With anything he says... Is there even a right reaction? He did feel the same sometimes, but he didn't want to play the introvert card. And besides, he suspected she already knew about this. And he got a feeling, the problem lies much deeper.
It was the same feeling he had about her... she was right, she is somehow different, like she sees the world from a different perspective. Or... she lives in her own world... He remembered that one day in the youth center, they went to register her for school. The other kids also didn't really know each other... But still... He saw groups of girls talking loudly, taking selfies and laughing on the whole room. Checking the boys and trying to attract them. Phoebe was quiet, she took a science magazine from the table and stayed at the same place where she was seated in the beginning. She was the first one to notice the teacher and follow the instructions and got the highest score in placement tests. And she was the only one who left the room alone afterwards. Well, she still seemed okay, she didn't seem like it would bother her. In the car she showed him her schedule and classes she has decided to attend. Not a word about any of her new schoolmates. After he asked, she said, they're okay and proceeded talking about the school magazine she'd like to join. He is so proud on her for having all these interests and he's sure other parents would be jealous. But at least once, he'd like to see her being so carefree and light-hearten and joyful.
“What would happen if you would go to school and let someone to get to know you?” Jeremy asked finally. Phoebe shaked her head and looked down.
“Then I would have to talk to them... About me...” She whispered quietly.
She looks so fragile. Her voice is so quiet, she is almost whispering, like she'd fear someone might hear her. He would want to take her in his arms and protect her, but he wasn't sure she would find it acceptable. It might make her feel uncomfortable... He wanted to be her friend... And he tried and she liked him right? Even though she said during the session he is strict... Nothing much happened to make her feel that. Yes, he made some rules, but she basically had more freedom than before, and definitely much more freedom than other parents give their children. He trusts her... And now she trusts him...
“Why would it be bad to talk about you?”
I couldn't answer him that. Why would it be difficult? Because if I would talk to my schoolmates about me and my life... then I would have to tell them that I had never had any friends back in New York. That I have wished for a father my whole life. That I spend most of my time alone. I would have to meet with them every day and talk to them every day and inform them about everything. And if I wouldn't I couldn't be their best friend anyway – they might be best friends to me, but the others mostly meet their really good friends more often I could even... kind of... “handle”?
I can't tell anyone about this, not even Jeremy... If someone knew... anyone... even if they'd like me... They wouldn't... like me anymore if they knew...
I can't have a real friendship unless I bring the trust and I can't trust because nobody would want to be friends with me if they knew...
Jeremy is the first person who thinks I'm nice, he is the first person that likes me. He would like me if he knew, right? Of course he would, I know he would... You know that, Phoebe, right? But I could still hear a little voice, what if he won't? Or... no, not that... He would still like you... But... He might be disappointed... He will be disappointed that his daughter isn't like other children...
I really don't know how to behave towards him and I can't get rid of a thought, that he would be happier with some other girl from the care home. It hurts a lot, I can't even describe how much. But which father would want a daughter like me? I was always only thinking on what I want – I want to feel protected, I want someone to care, I want a grown-up to go with with my problems. But a father-daughter relationship is so much more than that – 99% of the time, there is no problem to discuss and I don't need to be protected.
99% of the time we just... are together. And I'm not that much of a good company. I wanted him to be proud on me, and yes, he said that. Yes, I have straight A's and yes I go to the bilingual school. But that's it. You say it once and the longed sentence “I'm proud of you Phoebe” comes, but you can only say it that one time. And he's always asking me about friendship, he want's me to be more outgoing – like he already encouraged me to speak up at an unpleasent moment at least three times and then there's this free talk I just can't follow...
And he talks different to the girls my age as he does to me. I watched him once in front of the company. He met a group of 4 girls with some woman and he just talked so cool to them. They were all laughing so loudly, I saw one of the girls said something and he gave her high five. It went all so freely... And yesterday I saw him talking with a neighbor, the girl he wanted me to meet in front of the house. And he was asking her about some boy and she was talking about going shopping with friends.
I can tell he would wish for any of those girls to be rather his daughter than me. He is so cool and extroverted with me as well, but often there are these moments I'm scared of him or I'm thinking too much or I'm unsure of something and then he changes as well. And then he's like he feels sorry for me. With his “Is everything okay?” and “Phoebe, honey” and the low voice.
I can't give him that, I can't be a daughter a father wants. I don't have friends to go shopping with, I don't know how to approach him in a free loud way and I have never even thought about boys. Not to mention I don't know how to dress, so I always take only some jeans and t-shirt and sometimes people are looikng at me and laughing on the street. All of those girls were at least five inches taller than me and so pretty, not like me with my round face and big teeth. Of course Jeremy would rather be a father to any of those girls...
“I don't wanna talk about it” Phoebe shouted all of a sudden. So loud – she has never shouted in front of him before. He even got surprised of how her voice sounded – although he heard a despair in it. And then, before he could do something about it, she got up and ran upstairs. In the first second, Jeremy didn't move – then he followed her to her room, but she ran further and to his surprised she has locked herself in his office. Jeremy stayed outside looking on the shut door, he could hear her crying.
He reached for his keys and opened the door. Phoebe was standing with her back towards him, near the table. After she has noticed him, she turned around, pretending she didn't cry. His little girl, he just so wanted to take her in his arms and tell her, he's gonna take care of her.
“I don't wanna talk about it.” she whispered with a plea in her voice. Why does she hide everything inside of her? Why is she so scared to talk about herself? What would happen if she did talk about her to her schoolmates? What does she think would happen? They would tease her? Don't they do it anyway? No, for what he knew, the problem lies in her behavior – she is isolating herself from the class, the others are not picking up on her – at least not until she started to ignore them. So why is she so scared to talk in front of the people?
Hasn't there been ever one person she'd like and trust? Jeremy thought about her social groups: at home, she always said, they “didn't get her and laughed from her for being different, for having different moves and not talking much...” At school, she spent much of her time alone and never talked to anyone. She said, at middle school she had “one friend, which wasn't really a friend”. And the others “were all friends together but were all about fashion and make-up and stuff”. Outside of school, there wasn't much going on... In the home they said, they tried her to join some student clubs but she refused, so they didn't push her. She was in that cosmetics sales, which she left, cause “she didn't like to talk so much about products”. And she was in the school magazine, from where she left, cause “nobody believed she would make a good journalist.” And she worked in the library but they “refused her make a presentation for the audience. She asked and they said there are no spots left and two days later they took another girls and then she heard the teachers saying she wouldn't represent the school well.”
But he is here for her... and she does trust him, doesn't she? He can't be her friend, to a considerable manner he still remains her father.
He wants her to feel secure, he doesn't want to push on her, he doesn't want her to feel like the choices are made for her without considering of what she might wish for...
“Okay, h
31-35, F
