I'm An Open Book If You Care To Read Me
You ever want to express how you feel, but at the same time it’s just like, ‘who has the energy for that?’ It’s just a bunch of blah, blah, blah...
But what’s between the blahs? Hurt feelings? Postponed dreams? Silly hopes that refuse to be put out? I guess it’s different for everyone. But I’m sure there are a lot of people here who just don’t feel like talking about their issues because they just don’t even have the energy for it anymore.
As for me....
I started my period the other day. Another month, another shattered dream of pregnancy. Month # 19 of consecutive disappointment. But, at least I can call and schedule our next appointment with the fertility specialist tomorrow morning. I guess we’re really going through with these meds and treatments. At least it’s something to offer hope.
On another note, my dad won’t be coming up for Christmas. It’s frustrating, because yes, it does hurt my feelings. However, I understand it’s awkward for him. But still, I go into situations all the time that are awkward for me just for the sake of those I care about. My dad used to do anything in the world for me, and I’m incredibly grateful that he was always such a wonderful father to me. However, since my mom died he’s not really been there for me. My dad used to be that silly, sweet Dad who would sneak by my house in the morning just to secretly check the oil in my car. He’d always make excuses to see me. Visit me at home, visit me at work. He was always thinking of me and calling to remind me of little things. Drive slow today, the roads might be slick. Check your antifreeze/oil/windshield fluid/air pressure. Don’t forget to take a coat/blanket in case you break down and get stranded somewhere. Are you eating/sleeping enough?
For a long time after my mom died it was almost like he forgot about me...or not really forgot about me, I guess he just didn’t have the energy to worry about me anymore. And honestly, I get it. When we’re depressed, it’s hard to even have the energy to complete a thought. It hurt...I felt like I’d lost both parents. And in a way, I guess I did. But still, I tried not to judge him to harshly. It’s been 6 years now, and he still doesn’t really do holidays with me. I’m all that’s left of our old traditions. I always want to include him in my life...but it’s as if he doesn’t want to face holidays with me anymore. I don’t know...maybe it hurts him? But you know what hurts me? I’ve been living up here for since 2012...so 5 years. I’ve gone down to visit him at least once a month. I try to get down there every 2 weeks. Hes only come up here maybe 5 times. I made him come for my college graduation. I had to cry and beg him to come up and spend a daddy daughter day with me one time. I begged until he came up for a Father’s Day dinner 2 years ago. And he’s made 3 visits to the house. So that’s 6 times. 6 times in 5 years. I know he loves me. I just don’t think he loves as much as he did before my mom died. I mean, I certainly found it awkward spending Thanksgiving with his wife and kids. I didn’t want to, but I wanted to be with him. So, I went and endured every awkward hour of it for him. So why he can’t come spend Christmas Eve with me and my boyfriends family is just something I’m struggling to understand and forgive. I mean, yes, it’s awkward...but my boyfriends family is my family now. We’ve been together 6 years now...my dad’s met my bf’s dad 3 times and his mom 2 times in these past 6 years. I’ve tried to get my dad to come up for dinners, lunches, etc. The weird part is I KNOW he comes up here, because he’ll tell me about him and his wife going to this place or that place near me, but he doesn’t come see me then. He’ll be right down the road from my work and not stop by, which is weird because he used to stop by to see me at work all the time. I go see him as often as I can, I call him every day. I think I just lost half my dad when my mom died. I guess that’s really all there is to it.
But what’s between the blahs? Hurt feelings? Postponed dreams? Silly hopes that refuse to be put out? I guess it’s different for everyone. But I’m sure there are a lot of people here who just don’t feel like talking about their issues because they just don’t even have the energy for it anymore.
As for me....
I started my period the other day. Another month, another shattered dream of pregnancy. Month # 19 of consecutive disappointment. But, at least I can call and schedule our next appointment with the fertility specialist tomorrow morning. I guess we’re really going through with these meds and treatments. At least it’s something to offer hope.
On another note, my dad won’t be coming up for Christmas. It’s frustrating, because yes, it does hurt my feelings. However, I understand it’s awkward for him. But still, I go into situations all the time that are awkward for me just for the sake of those I care about. My dad used to do anything in the world for me, and I’m incredibly grateful that he was always such a wonderful father to me. However, since my mom died he’s not really been there for me. My dad used to be that silly, sweet Dad who would sneak by my house in the morning just to secretly check the oil in my car. He’d always make excuses to see me. Visit me at home, visit me at work. He was always thinking of me and calling to remind me of little things. Drive slow today, the roads might be slick. Check your antifreeze/oil/windshield fluid/air pressure. Don’t forget to take a coat/blanket in case you break down and get stranded somewhere. Are you eating/sleeping enough?
For a long time after my mom died it was almost like he forgot about me...or not really forgot about me, I guess he just didn’t have the energy to worry about me anymore. And honestly, I get it. When we’re depressed, it’s hard to even have the energy to complete a thought. It hurt...I felt like I’d lost both parents. And in a way, I guess I did. But still, I tried not to judge him to harshly. It’s been 6 years now, and he still doesn’t really do holidays with me. I’m all that’s left of our old traditions. I always want to include him in my life...but it’s as if he doesn’t want to face holidays with me anymore. I don’t know...maybe it hurts him? But you know what hurts me? I’ve been living up here for since 2012...so 5 years. I’ve gone down to visit him at least once a month. I try to get down there every 2 weeks. Hes only come up here maybe 5 times. I made him come for my college graduation. I had to cry and beg him to come up and spend a daddy daughter day with me one time. I begged until he came up for a Father’s Day dinner 2 years ago. And he’s made 3 visits to the house. So that’s 6 times. 6 times in 5 years. I know he loves me. I just don’t think he loves as much as he did before my mom died. I mean, I certainly found it awkward spending Thanksgiving with his wife and kids. I didn’t want to, but I wanted to be with him. So, I went and endured every awkward hour of it for him. So why he can’t come spend Christmas Eve with me and my boyfriends family is just something I’m struggling to understand and forgive. I mean, yes, it’s awkward...but my boyfriends family is my family now. We’ve been together 6 years now...my dad’s met my bf’s dad 3 times and his mom 2 times in these past 6 years. I’ve tried to get my dad to come up for dinners, lunches, etc. The weird part is I KNOW he comes up here, because he’ll tell me about him and his wife going to this place or that place near me, but he doesn’t come see me then. He’ll be right down the road from my work and not stop by, which is weird because he used to stop by to see me at work all the time. I go see him as often as I can, I call him every day. I think I just lost half my dad when my mom died. I guess that’s really all there is to it.
