I'm An Open Book If You Care To Read Me
I’ve made 2 decisions over the last couple days. Both pertain to the fact that this is not the life I want to live so I’m not doing it. I have to make some changes pertaining to my job....and I have to make some changes to my social life.
As for my job, I am DONE being the catch all girl. I am through with getting burnt and feeling disgusting. I’m beyond over getting stuck cursed all alone in my own room while everyone else gets to work together listening to music all day. I’m through with doing all this extra stuff to help out and not only never getting noticed and appreciated, but being treated as if I don’t do enough. In their defense, how are they supposed to know? They’re never around to see me do anything :P I’m done doing a job that I take absolutely no pride in. I’m through with never getting to wear jewelry or do my nails...or fix my hair...or even wear cute outfits. I’m done wearing that giant white coat and looking like a blimp all day. After a while it begins to make you feel like a blimp. I feel like no one even sees me. I’m done being invisible. I’m over not fitting in. I’ve tried and tried, and the truth is I am just not like them. I can get along with anyone, and I like each of my co-workers for their own personal strong points....but this just is not where I belong and I will never fit in with them. Nor do I want to. Also, I’m done listening to false promises and just waiting for change. I know I could pull my seniority card and get what I want, but that’s not me. I also respect the fact that I don’t have children while others do. I want them to get to spend evenings with their children. I don’t want to be that person responsible for obliterating another person’s time for their family. It is frustrating though when you keep getting told that once someone else is hired you’ll be moving on to this or that, and then each time someone new is hired you just keep getting stuck in the same spot. I’m in a rut. It’s been 2 and 1/2 years of false promises. If this were a relationship, I’d have ended it already. THIS is certainly not what I want to do with my life. This was just supposed to be temporary...So, I’m done hoping. Eternal hope can wither a person away. I’m done withering.
I’m going to get through the holidays, take winter leave if I can, and then I’m going to crack down on finding a new job. I’d like to stay with my company. It’s one of the best places to work in the world. Forbes even say so, lol. It’s #1 in the US this year! :P I’d like to move to optical or the hearing aid center. I’ve worked in the health field before and I truly enjoy helping others, especially the elderly. So I know I would find either of those departments rewarding. Plus I could dress up cute again and actually wear my jewelry. I have one particular necklace and ring that are like my second skin. I’d never take them off....but I have to every time I go to work right now. It would feel so good to just be able to enjoy getting dressed again. Such a simple thing! Lol. In addition, I feel like I’d fit in with the employees in those departments more. They seem to have more class and manners. Who knows though. We shall see. If I have a hard time getting into those departments (I’ll even transfer to another location if I have to) then I’ll start applying for other jobs. I could get a good job at SSM....I’ve been hearing of some great jobs with amazon. (I just hear the hours and whatnot can be overwhelming) I don’t think I’d quit working for my company, but I’m done making this job position a priority when I’m nothing but a catch-all girl who is completely invisible. That’s not me.
My second decision revolves around my relationships with others and social media. Particularly FB. I waited a little longer than most to get a smart phone when they were becoming popular. I hated the way everyone spent all their time with their faces glued to their screens. I thought it was odd how they carried their phones EVERYWHERE they went, as if it was glued to their hand. I hated how they checked their social media every 5 minutes, even when we were out grabbing lunch. I swore I’d never be one of those people. Even once I finally got a smart phone, I didn’t actually get data on it for the longest time. I felt I didn’t need it. I had my GPS in my car, and I only got on my laptop in the evenings. I had a lot of hobbies that kept me busy and I spoke on the phone with friends often....visited loved ones often. Everything was good, why did I need to be like everyone else wasting away in front of screens? But then, over time I found how easy and convenient it was to have data on your phone...I’d be out with friends and we’d get a random whim and we’d just check on their phone! Minutes later we’d be heading to try a new restaurant, or have all the answers we needed to try a new project, recipe, etc. Eventually, I decided I needed that too! Then eventually, I was carrying my phone like it was glued to me. Mind you, it’s because I use it for everything :P It’s my radio, my recipe book, my phone, my question answerer, my GPS, my shopping list, my camera, my everything :P But, I just couldn’t leave it anywhere even when I didn’t need it 😜 Worst of all, I started using FB aaaall the time. It started out simple enough. Just looking once or twice a day to see if I had any notifications. But it grew into this insane habit of scrolling, mindlessly, all the time! Every time I’d get on there I’d say I just wanted to take 5 minutes to see if anything new was happening with my friends or if there were interesting events going on in my neighborhood. Then it grew into this beast that would consume 2 hours here....4 hours there...all of my 15 minutes work breaks, all of my 30 minute lunch breaks...first thing I’d look at when I woke up, last thing I’d look at before I went to bed....and did I keep up with what was going on in friends’ lives? Yes. But only from a distance. Did I make some new friends/strengthen some friendships? Yes. But essentially, at the end of the day, there is only one reality. My relationships with people have become...displaced...abstract...detatched...it’s as if I have imaginary friends now. Ooor...now the only friendships I have these days are online friends. What happened to face-to-face contact. What happened to actually hearing one another’s voices? People actually get annoyed if you do anything but text them now days. And they don’t want a long text :P They don’t have time for a paragraph. Heaven forbid they make time to actually drive all the way to your house to then sit with you and make conversation. No one has time for that they say...They’re too busy...It’s just the joys of adulthood. No. Adults maintained physical interaction with people other than their spouses and children for a looooooong time prior to this modern day of technology.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have certain people in my life who put forth effort to maintain real relationships. Ironalically, my best friend moved out of state several years ago and I actually see her far more than I see people who live 10 minutes to an hour and 1/2 away from me :P She’s over 8 hours away! Lol. And I have one friend who I hang out with pretty often here, even though we live about 40 minutes apart! I have friends who literally live less than 10 minutes away who can’t even find time for physical interaction or voice calls. It’s baffling....
So, on the 1st I decided to go this entire month without social media. I really never got on Instagram much, so that hasn’t been hard. Same for Snapchat. Though I do feel like Snapchat is a little more personable, but not really worth using :P Surprisingly, I haven’t missed FB at all. I thought I would REALLY struggle, especially since I spent soooooooo much time on it. You know what I’ve realized though? I wasn’t actually addicted to FB. I was just constantly seeking friendship, validation that others cared about me and wanted me in their life, someone to make me feel less alone.....But what I have realized the last couple weeks is that FB does absolutely NOTHING for me but bring the exact opposite of what I desperately need to be happy in this life. Every time I looked on FB, I saw the lives my friends were supposedly living, but I never actually knew how legitimately happy they were. I never felt I had genuine friends because it’s not like we’re actually having heart to hearts :P We’re just sharing stuff with ALL of of our friends, family, and acquaintances so there’s nothing intimate or personable about it whatsoever...and then we all like it or comment on it as if we’re really connecting. But we’re not. There’s still that huge void between us ..and I feel it ALL the time! I constantly feel like I’m SO CLOSE to strengthening this friendship or getting back in REAL touch with that friend or making new friend of an acquaintance....but it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s just a relationship that only exists in the realm of the internet....and it’s not even like a REAL INTERNET relationship. I’ve had some AMAZING internet friends over the years. I’ve even had an online romantic relationship that was out of this world. But the point is, even those real internet friendships consisted of talking for hours, getting to know everything about one another, genuinely caring about one another and staying in touch to know all the little details...sharing heart to hearts, not just telling the world and hoping a random person/group sees and cares :P So yeah, all FB has done for me is make me feel alienated from people.
It’s not entirely FB’s fault. I’m to blame as well. FB makes it easy to be lazy. Why call when you can just look on FB? Why visit when you can just look at some pictures and see what’s been going on? You just leave a comment here and there and ta da, you’re a good friend/family member.
Well I’m done with all of that. From now on, I’m going be better about staying in touch with people I care about. Physically driving to see them. Actually calling to hear their voice. I’m not going to get on FB for this month, but on December 1st I’m going to go on and salvage any photos I have that I may need to save/print. Then I haven’t decided if I’m going to delete everything or if I’m going to deactivate my account entirely. Sadly, the only reason I have for considering keeping it is that people don’t share/show you photos that you are in anymore except to post it online and tag you in it :P But I guess I could just make people text it to me. I do that with some friends already :P Or maybe I should keep FB but only be friends with people I actually interact with on a regular basis? I don’t know yet. I do know that I am done posting anything on there myself though. Why do I want to share my life with people who can’t take the time to visit or call me? They talk like they miss me and that they wish I visited more....but the roads go two ways. So do phone calls :P It’s not my fault. And I’m also done with a couple of long time friends....I constantly ask to come visit and they always have an excuse. Then I’ll message them and they don’t reply for months. No. Not for me. I’m the most hopeful, optimistic person I know...but even I’m aware of how this constant hope can torture the heart. No more.
I have a feeling 2018 is going to be a pretty great year for strengthening relationships and letting go of false pretenses.
As for my job, I am DONE being the catch all girl. I am through with getting burnt and feeling disgusting. I’m beyond over getting stuck cursed all alone in my own room while everyone else gets to work together listening to music all day. I’m through with doing all this extra stuff to help out and not only never getting noticed and appreciated, but being treated as if I don’t do enough. In their defense, how are they supposed to know? They’re never around to see me do anything :P I’m done doing a job that I take absolutely no pride in. I’m through with never getting to wear jewelry or do my nails...or fix my hair...or even wear cute outfits. I’m done wearing that giant white coat and looking like a blimp all day. After a while it begins to make you feel like a blimp. I feel like no one even sees me. I’m done being invisible. I’m over not fitting in. I’ve tried and tried, and the truth is I am just not like them. I can get along with anyone, and I like each of my co-workers for their own personal strong points....but this just is not where I belong and I will never fit in with them. Nor do I want to. Also, I’m done listening to false promises and just waiting for change. I know I could pull my seniority card and get what I want, but that’s not me. I also respect the fact that I don’t have children while others do. I want them to get to spend evenings with their children. I don’t want to be that person responsible for obliterating another person’s time for their family. It is frustrating though when you keep getting told that once someone else is hired you’ll be moving on to this or that, and then each time someone new is hired you just keep getting stuck in the same spot. I’m in a rut. It’s been 2 and 1/2 years of false promises. If this were a relationship, I’d have ended it already. THIS is certainly not what I want to do with my life. This was just supposed to be temporary...So, I’m done hoping. Eternal hope can wither a person away. I’m done withering.
I’m going to get through the holidays, take winter leave if I can, and then I’m going to crack down on finding a new job. I’d like to stay with my company. It’s one of the best places to work in the world. Forbes even say so, lol. It’s #1 in the US this year! :P I’d like to move to optical or the hearing aid center. I’ve worked in the health field before and I truly enjoy helping others, especially the elderly. So I know I would find either of those departments rewarding. Plus I could dress up cute again and actually wear my jewelry. I have one particular necklace and ring that are like my second skin. I’d never take them off....but I have to every time I go to work right now. It would feel so good to just be able to enjoy getting dressed again. Such a simple thing! Lol. In addition, I feel like I’d fit in with the employees in those departments more. They seem to have more class and manners. Who knows though. We shall see. If I have a hard time getting into those departments (I’ll even transfer to another location if I have to) then I’ll start applying for other jobs. I could get a good job at SSM....I’ve been hearing of some great jobs with amazon. (I just hear the hours and whatnot can be overwhelming) I don’t think I’d quit working for my company, but I’m done making this job position a priority when I’m nothing but a catch-all girl who is completely invisible. That’s not me.
My second decision revolves around my relationships with others and social media. Particularly FB. I waited a little longer than most to get a smart phone when they were becoming popular. I hated the way everyone spent all their time with their faces glued to their screens. I thought it was odd how they carried their phones EVERYWHERE they went, as if it was glued to their hand. I hated how they checked their social media every 5 minutes, even when we were out grabbing lunch. I swore I’d never be one of those people. Even once I finally got a smart phone, I didn’t actually get data on it for the longest time. I felt I didn’t need it. I had my GPS in my car, and I only got on my laptop in the evenings. I had a lot of hobbies that kept me busy and I spoke on the phone with friends often....visited loved ones often. Everything was good, why did I need to be like everyone else wasting away in front of screens? But then, over time I found how easy and convenient it was to have data on your phone...I’d be out with friends and we’d get a random whim and we’d just check on their phone! Minutes later we’d be heading to try a new restaurant, or have all the answers we needed to try a new project, recipe, etc. Eventually, I decided I needed that too! Then eventually, I was carrying my phone like it was glued to me. Mind you, it’s because I use it for everything :P It’s my radio, my recipe book, my phone, my question answerer, my GPS, my shopping list, my camera, my everything :P But, I just couldn’t leave it anywhere even when I didn’t need it 😜 Worst of all, I started using FB aaaall the time. It started out simple enough. Just looking once or twice a day to see if I had any notifications. But it grew into this insane habit of scrolling, mindlessly, all the time! Every time I’d get on there I’d say I just wanted to take 5 minutes to see if anything new was happening with my friends or if there were interesting events going on in my neighborhood. Then it grew into this beast that would consume 2 hours here....4 hours there...all of my 15 minutes work breaks, all of my 30 minute lunch breaks...first thing I’d look at when I woke up, last thing I’d look at before I went to bed....and did I keep up with what was going on in friends’ lives? Yes. But only from a distance. Did I make some new friends/strengthen some friendships? Yes. But essentially, at the end of the day, there is only one reality. My relationships with people have become...displaced...abstract...detatched...it’s as if I have imaginary friends now. Ooor...now the only friendships I have these days are online friends. What happened to face-to-face contact. What happened to actually hearing one another’s voices? People actually get annoyed if you do anything but text them now days. And they don’t want a long text :P They don’t have time for a paragraph. Heaven forbid they make time to actually drive all the way to your house to then sit with you and make conversation. No one has time for that they say...They’re too busy...It’s just the joys of adulthood. No. Adults maintained physical interaction with people other than their spouses and children for a looooooong time prior to this modern day of technology.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have certain people in my life who put forth effort to maintain real relationships. Ironalically, my best friend moved out of state several years ago and I actually see her far more than I see people who live 10 minutes to an hour and 1/2 away from me :P She’s over 8 hours away! Lol. And I have one friend who I hang out with pretty often here, even though we live about 40 minutes apart! I have friends who literally live less than 10 minutes away who can’t even find time for physical interaction or voice calls. It’s baffling....
So, on the 1st I decided to go this entire month without social media. I really never got on Instagram much, so that hasn’t been hard. Same for Snapchat. Though I do feel like Snapchat is a little more personable, but not really worth using :P Surprisingly, I haven’t missed FB at all. I thought I would REALLY struggle, especially since I spent soooooooo much time on it. You know what I’ve realized though? I wasn’t actually addicted to FB. I was just constantly seeking friendship, validation that others cared about me and wanted me in their life, someone to make me feel less alone.....But what I have realized the last couple weeks is that FB does absolutely NOTHING for me but bring the exact opposite of what I desperately need to be happy in this life. Every time I looked on FB, I saw the lives my friends were supposedly living, but I never actually knew how legitimately happy they were. I never felt I had genuine friends because it’s not like we’re actually having heart to hearts :P We’re just sharing stuff with ALL of of our friends, family, and acquaintances so there’s nothing intimate or personable about it whatsoever...and then we all like it or comment on it as if we’re really connecting. But we’re not. There’s still that huge void between us ..and I feel it ALL the time! I constantly feel like I’m SO CLOSE to strengthening this friendship or getting back in REAL touch with that friend or making new friend of an acquaintance....but it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s just a relationship that only exists in the realm of the internet....and it’s not even like a REAL INTERNET relationship. I’ve had some AMAZING internet friends over the years. I’ve even had an online romantic relationship that was out of this world. But the point is, even those real internet friendships consisted of talking for hours, getting to know everything about one another, genuinely caring about one another and staying in touch to know all the little details...sharing heart to hearts, not just telling the world and hoping a random person/group sees and cares :P So yeah, all FB has done for me is make me feel alienated from people.
It’s not entirely FB’s fault. I’m to blame as well. FB makes it easy to be lazy. Why call when you can just look on FB? Why visit when you can just look at some pictures and see what’s been going on? You just leave a comment here and there and ta da, you’re a good friend/family member.
Well I’m done with all of that. From now on, I’m going be better about staying in touch with people I care about. Physically driving to see them. Actually calling to hear their voice. I’m not going to get on FB for this month, but on December 1st I’m going to go on and salvage any photos I have that I may need to save/print. Then I haven’t decided if I’m going to delete everything or if I’m going to deactivate my account entirely. Sadly, the only reason I have for considering keeping it is that people don’t share/show you photos that you are in anymore except to post it online and tag you in it :P But I guess I could just make people text it to me. I do that with some friends already :P Or maybe I should keep FB but only be friends with people I actually interact with on a regular basis? I don’t know yet. I do know that I am done posting anything on there myself though. Why do I want to share my life with people who can’t take the time to visit or call me? They talk like they miss me and that they wish I visited more....but the roads go two ways. So do phone calls :P It’s not my fault. And I’m also done with a couple of long time friends....I constantly ask to come visit and they always have an excuse. Then I’ll message them and they don’t reply for months. No. Not for me. I’m the most hopeful, optimistic person I know...but even I’m aware of how this constant hope can torture the heart. No more.
I have a feeling 2018 is going to be a pretty great year for strengthening relationships and letting go of false pretenses.
