I Don't Want to Die But I Don't Want to Live

I fantasise about being murdered as I feel that bad inside and that bad about my life. I’m too scared to end my life myself as I was put in a mental health unit when the authorities found out I tried it. Next time I could end up sectioned. I don’t want it to be sexual if I man did it as that will just make me suffer even more. I just want it to be quick and as little pain as possible.